So the wife asked me what I wanted this year for my birthday
I replyed a blow job would be nice
She gave me 50.00 and threw the keys to her Corvette
Told me knock your self out cowboy even you can get lucky in that car
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So the wife asked me what I wanted this year for my birthday
I replyed a blow job would be nice
She gave me 50.00 and threw the keys to her Corvette
Told me knock your self out cowboy even you can get lucky in that car
:D sounds like that could be a true story...Quote:
Originally Posted by doubleeagle
A wife comes home from a gynecologist appointment and tells her husband "honey I got some bad news, my doctor said I can't have sex for a momth." Her husband said "don't worry about it baby, it's fine no problem at all.......but what did your dentist say?"
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage. The mans wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should, she was standing on it." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50."And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, its a Ferrari.
:LMAOsmiley:Quote:
Originally Posted by riverrunner1984
Yea just the the other day I rolled over in bed patted her on the ass and wispered in her earQuote:
Originally Posted by Carbon
Hey Honey how about a little oral sex. So at the top of her lungs see screams FUCK YOU!!!
Then asked was it as good for you as it was for me
I guess after 40 years somethings get lost in the translation
One morning this blonde calls her friend and says, "Would you mind coming over and helping me out with this killer jigsaw puzzle I bought - I can't figure out how to get started." Her friend asks, "What's the puzzle of?" "From the picture on the box, I'd guess it's a tiger," replied the blonde. The friend obliges, and when he arrives the blonde greets him at the front door and then shows him the puzzle spread out all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then studies the box. Then, he turns to her and says, "Im afraid that no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of the tiger on the box." "Why not?" asks the disappointed blonde." Because, you didn't buy a jigsaw puzzle... what you have here is a box of Frosted Flakes."
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about his employees well being, asks sympathetically, "Whats the matter?" The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away." "I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Why dont you go home for the day. We arent terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest." The blonde very calmly explains, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here." The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. "If you need anything, just let me know," he says. A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. He rushes out to her, and asks, "Are you going to be okay? Is there anything I can do to help?" "No," replies the blonde, "I just got a call from my sister, and she said that HER mom died too!"
Last Friday, A hooded robber burst into a bank in New Orleans and, at gunpoint, forced the tellers to load their cash into a plain brown bag.
As the robber approached the door, one brave customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robber's face.
Without a moment's hesitation, the robber shot the customer.
He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him.
The robber instantly shot & killed her also.
Everyone in the bank, by now horrified, stared down at the floor in silence.
The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"
There was a long moment of dead silence in which everyone was terrified to speak.
Then, one old Australian named Bernie cautiously raised his hand and said,
"My wife got a pretty good look at you !!!!."
Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter. Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong. Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"
Fuck, I missed this one Paul, Bravo! :DQuote:
Originally Posted by Paul65K
CH3NO2
Lmfao, Matt! :DQuote:
Originally Posted by Mateo
CH3NO2
3 Holy Men & A Bear
A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion. Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.
Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.
'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.
Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'
Reverend Billy Bob the Baptist spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.
In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.
So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!
The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.
The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
Awh fuck that was funny RR! :applause:
:)
:)
:)
A Boy’s First Condom
I recall my first time with a condom. I was 14. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at a nearby pharmacy. In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item because everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt the young lady (I think her name was Nola) knew what they were for.
She was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.
I honestly answered, 'No, not really.'
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.
I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it were empty. It was. 'Just a minute,' she said, and walked me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'
So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?' she asked. I said, 'sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.
Then she beat the shit out of me....
Women have always been hard for me to figure out.
:rotflmao:
This is a story about
A Fly, a Fish, a Bear,
A Hunter, a Mouse and a Cat.
There is a moral to this story......
In the dead of summer a fly was resting among leaves beside a stream.
The hot, dry fly said to no one in particular,
'Gosh...if I go down five inches
I will feel the mist
From the water and I will be refreshed.'
There was a fish in the water thinking,
'Gosh...if that fly goes down five inches, I can eat him.'
There was a bear on the shore thinking,
'Gosh....if that fly goes down five inches
That fish will jump for the fly...
And I will grab the fish!!'
It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank
Of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich....
'Gosh,' he thought, 'if that fly goes down five inches...
And that fish leaps for it...
That bear will expose himself and grab for the fish.
I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch.'
Now, you probably think this is
Enough activity on one river bank,
But I can tell you there's more....
A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking,
'Gosh, if that fly goes down five inches...
And that fish jumps for that fly..
And that bear grabs for that fish..
The dumb hunter will shoot the bear
And drop his cheese sandwich.'
A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought,
(as was fashionable to do on the banks of
This particular river around lunch time)
'Gosh...if that fly goes down five inches..
And that fish jumps for that fly
And that bear grabs for that fish
And that hunter shoots that bear..
And that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich ...
Then I can have mouse for lunch.'
The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he
heads down for the cooling mist of the water.
The fish swallows the fly...
The bear grabs the fish..
The hunter shoots the bear..
The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich...
The cat jumps for the mouse..
The mouse ducks...
The cat falls into the water and drowns.
NOW, The Moral Of The Story....
Whenever a fly goes down five inches,
Some pussy's gonna be in serious danger.
:)
:)
:)
Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. "Sid," asked Al, "are there any Jews in China?" "I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?" When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Chinese Jews?" "I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No, Chinese Jews." "Are you sure?" Al asked. "I will check again, sir," the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen. While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere." When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews." "Are you really sure?" Al asked again." I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews." "Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have Orange Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Grape Jews, but we have no Chinese Jews."