Joke of the Day!

[The Doctor]

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass ?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed
you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are
over there eating grass under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the second poor man he stated, "You may come with
us, also."
The other man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I
also have a wife and six children with me!"
"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a
car as large as the limousine.
Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer
and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all
of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my
place. The grass is almost a foot high."

[The Doctor]

Larry and Bob, two old Vietnam vets, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Larry didn't show up. Bob didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Larry hadn't shown up for a week or so, Bob really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Bob didn't know where Larry lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month passed, and Bob figured he had seen the last of Larry, but one day, Bob approached the park and -- lo and behold -- there sat Larry! Bob was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, "For crying out loud Larry, what in the world happened to you?"
Larry replied, "I've been in jail."
"Jail!" cried Bob, "what in the world for?"
"Well," Larry said, "you know Jane, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?"
"Yeah," said Bob, "I remember her. What about her?"
Larry said, "Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I plead 'guilty'."
"The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury."

[The Doctor]

Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.”
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, “OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?”
“Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.”
So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, “Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch! ”
Although impressed, Bubba’s boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba’s knowing Cruise was just lucky.
“No, no, just name anyone else,” Bubba says.
“President Clinton,” his boss quickly retorts.
“Yes,” Bubba says, “I know him, let’s fly out to Washington.”
And off they go.
At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, “Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a cup of coffee first and catch up.”
Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.
“The Pope,” his boss replies. “Sure!” says Bubba.
“My folks are from Poland, and I’ve known the Pope a long time.”
So off they fly to Rome.
Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, “This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope.”
And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony.
But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss’ side, Bubba asks him, “What happened?” His boss looks up and says, “I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, “Who’s that on the balcony with Bubba?”

[rschap1]

[The Doctor]

A couple has been married for 60 years. And to stay together for that long you have to be completely honest with your partner. So the husband and wife were very open, shared everything and didn’t have any secrets from each other. Well, almost… The wife kept a shoe box in the closet, which she had asked her husband not to open or even ask about.

And the man never thought about the box in 60 years, until the day his wife got very sick. The doctor said she wouldn’t make it. While trying to sort out their affairs, the husband took the shoe box to his wife’s bedside and she agreed it was time for him to see what was inside. The man’s eyes widened as he discovered $95000 and two crocheted dolls in the box.
“When we were to be married,” the old lady explained, “my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.”

The husband was deeply touched, two dolls meant she was angry with him only twice in 60 years!
“Honey,” he said after overcoming the emotions “that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?”

“Oh, that?” the wife said. “That’s the money I made from selling the dolls.”

[The Doctor]

Years ago, a young Navy Pilot was injured while ejecting from his A-4
Skyhawk due to engine failure during a cat shot from the carrier, but due
to the heroics of rescue helicopter crew and the ship's hospital staff, the
only permanent injury was the loss of one ear. Since he wasn't physically
impaired, he remained on flight status and eventually became an Admiral.
However, during his career he was always sensitive about his
appearance.
One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a
Marine Sergeant Major for his personal staff. The first Master Chief was a
Surface Navy type and it was a great interview. At the end of the
interview the Admiral asked him, "Do you notice anything different about
me?" The Master Chief answered, "Why, yes, Admiral. I couldn't help but
notice that you are missing your starboard ear, so I don't know whether
this impacts your hearing on that side."
The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his
office.
The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same
question, answered, "Well yes, Sir, you seem to be short one ear." The
Admiral threw him out as well.
The third interview was with the Marine Sergeant Major. He was
articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two
Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead
with the same question. "Do you notice anything different about me?"
To his surprise, the Sergeant Major said, "Yes Sir. You wear contact lenses."
The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly
tactful Marine. "And how would you know that?" the Admiral asked.
The Sergeant Major replied: "Well, sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with
only one f***kin' ear.

[2manymustangs]

Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.”
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, “OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?”
“Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.”
So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, “Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch! ”
Although impressed, Bubba’s boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba’s knowing Cruise was just lucky.
“No, no, just name anyone else,” Bubba says.
“President Clinton,” his boss quickly retorts.
“Yes,” Bubba says, “I know him, let’s fly out to Washington.”
And off they go.
At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, “Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a cup of coffee first and catch up.”
Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.
“The Pope,” his boss replies. “Sure!” says Bubba.
“My folks are from Poland, and I’ve known the Pope a long time.”
So off they fly to Rome.
Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, “This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope.”
And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony.
But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss’ side, Bubba asks him, “What happened?” His boss looks up and says, “I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, “Who’s that on the balcony with Bubba?”

Im quitting after the first three Doc... Very nice... Especially the grass eaters...

[The Doctor]

PUT YOUR AFFAIRS IN ORDER !
The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've got some bad news. You have terminal cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.' The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.
'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have terminal cancer.
So, let's head to the club and have a few glasses of champagne.
After 3 or 4 champagnes, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more champagnes.
They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were
curious as to what the two were celebrating? The woman told her friends they were
drinking to her impending end, 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'
The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.
After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Mum, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?'
'Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'
And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs In Order.'

[HB Vic]

Hahaha


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[2manymustangs]

:o ...