Joke of the Day!

[Eli]

A billionaire was having a party at his house, and in his back yard he had a huge pool with great white sharks in it.
He announced to everyone at the party that whoever could swim across the pool without getting attacked could either have all his money, his wife, or his house.
So when everyone got back to talking all of a sudden a guy is in the pool swimming as fast as he can and when he gets to the other side and jumps out.
The billionaire goes, "Holy shit, I didn’t think anyone was going to do it, but anyway, you want the money right?" and the guy says, "No."
So the billionaire says, "Oh, you want my house?” The guy says, “No.” The billionaire says," What, you want my wife, then?"
The guy responds, "Hell no.”
So the billionaire asked, "Well what the fuck do you want?"
The guy's still trying to catch his breath says, ”I want the motherf*cker who pushed me in the pool.”

Haha! Good one.


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Go Brady!!

[riverrunner1984]

Barbie


One day a father, on his way home from work suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He stops at a toy store and goes in and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?'

The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir?
We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95,
Shopping Barbie for $19.95,
Beach Barbie for $19.95,
Disco Barbie for $19.95,
Astronaut Barbie for $19.95,
Skater Barbie for $19.95,
and
Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.

The amazed father asks: 'It's what?
Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'

The slightly miffed salesgirl rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers:

'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with:
Ken's Truck,
Ken's House,
Ken's Fishing Boat,
Ken's Furniture,
Ken’s Dog,
Ken's Computer,
one of Ken's Friends,
and a key chain made from Ken's testicles.'












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[HB Vic]

Bahahahaha no shit


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[riverrunner1984]

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[riverrunner1984]

Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.

Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'. It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.

Rumor has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month, and can be a real bitch to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.

New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age. Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.

This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace it each year....



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[The Doctor]

An old miser, due to his terrible cheapness, had no friends nor family. Just before he died he called his doctor, his lawyer and a minister to come see him. They complied, and gathered together around his bed.
"I always heard you can't take it with you, but I am going to prove you can," he said. "I have $90,000 cash hidden underneath my mattress. It's in 3 envelopes of $30,000 each. I want each one of you to grab one envelope now and just before they throw the dirt on my grave, you throw the envelopes in."

Weeks later, the three attended the funeral, and true to their word, each threw in their envelope into the grave. On the way back from the cemetery, the minister said, "I don't feel so good about this, I am going to confess, I desperately needed $10,000 for a new church we are building, so I took out $10,000 and threw only $20,000 in the grave."
The doctor said, "I, too, must confess. I am building a clinic and took $20,000 and threw in only $10,000." He looked ashamed.
The lawyer said, "Gentlemen, I'm surprised, shocked and ashamed of both of you. I don't see how you could in good conscience hold on to that money. I threw in a personal check for the entire amount."

[riverrunner1984]

An old miser, due to his terrible cheapness, had no friends nor family. Just before he died he called his doctor, his lawyer and a minister to come see him. They complied, and gathered together around his bed.
"I always heard you can't take it with you, but I am going to prove you can," he said. "I have $90,000 cash hidden underneath my mattress. It's in 3 envelopes of $30,000 each. I want each one of you to grab one envelope now and just before they throw the dirt on my grave, you throw the envelopes in."

Weeks later, the three attended the funeral, and true to their word, each threw in their envelope into the grave. On the way back from the cemetery, the minister said, "I don't feel so good about this, I am going to confess, I desperately needed $10,000 for a new church we are building, so I took out $10,000 and threw only $20,000 in the grave."
The doctor said, "I, too, must confess. I am building a clinic and took $20,000 and threw in only $10,000." He looked ashamed.
The lawyer said, "Gentlemen, I'm surprised, shocked and ashamed of both of you. I don't see how you could in good conscience hold on to that money. I threw in a personal check for the entire amount."

Took me a second but I finally got it lol Good one!

[spike morelli]

The small town that I'm from, has had the same population number for years and years. Every time some woman has a baby, some man leaves town.

[spike morelli]

Recently, a large 4 foot by 4 foot hole has mysteriously appeared in the outer bedroom wall of the attractive young woman who lives next door. No one knows how it got there, but I'm looking into it............

[ChumpChange]

Recently, a large 4 foot by 4 foot hole has mysteriously appeared in the outer bedroom wall of the attractive young woman who lives next door. No one knows how it got there, but I'm looking into it............

lol...