Joke of the Day!

[ChumpChange]

How to shower like a man & woman


HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long robe.

If you see husband along the way,cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror -- make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower. Use wash cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Rinse off.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mold spots with Tilex.

Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long robe and towel on head.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.

Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

Pee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off..

Fail to notice the water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.

Admire wiener size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, and light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

[Bianca_Rose]

Hahah good one...definatly so true

[ChumpChange]

Where Lawyers Come From

A young woman went to see her doctor one day. She nervously asked, "Doctor, please tell me. Can I get pregnant from anal intercourse?"

The doctor immediately responded, "My dear, where do you think lawyers come from?"

[K-034]

SIPPING VODKA









A new Priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.



The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."



So next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice.. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.. He proceeded to talk up a storm.



Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:



1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C..

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him..

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'

11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for this is my body." He did not say,"Eat me."

12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.

13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

[hbchgirl]

Great joke!

[chevellesb406]

So some co-workers go out to the bar after work on Friday. One of the guys proceeds to get entirely too trashed and ends up throwing up on himself. He starts saying, "Oh man, oh man, I am so dead, oh man, oh man, she's gonna kill me." His buddy walks over and tries consoling him saying, "Hey you're an idiot, but this kinda thing happens, its not the end of the world." The drunk guy responds, "Dude, you don't understand, this happens all the time, I drink too much and then I embarrass myself. My wife said that if it ever happened one more time, she was gonna leave me." The buddy responds, "Well crap, I guess I gotta help you out. I got it! You are going to go home, and when your wife confronts you, you explain that you were waiting in line for the bathroom, and some drunk idiot in an emergency tried busting through the line and didn't make it in time, and ended up throwing up on you. In fact, he felt so bad about it, he gave you 20 bucks to get your shirt dry cleaned." The buddy then takes out a twenty and puts it in his shirt pocket. The drunk guy replies, "Ok, OK, I can do this."

He drives him home, drops him off, and as the drunk guy is fumbling for the keys, the wife opens the door, takes one look, and starts shaking her head saying, "I warned you, you drunk, one more time and I am outta here." The drunk responds, "Babe, its not what you think, I was in line for the bathroom and some drunk guy was trying to push through and get in, he didn't make it in time and puked all over me. He even felt bad about it and gave me 20 bucks to dry clean the shirt." The wife reaches into his shirt pocket and pulls out two 20's. She yells at him, "There are two 20's in here." The drunk responds, "Oh yeah, he also shit in my pants."

Hope that wasn't too long winded, its one of my favorites.

[K-034]

Health & Safety Test

I failed a Health and Safety course at work today.

One of the questions was: "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?"

"Fucken' big ones" was apparently the wrong answer.

[ChumpChange]

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers are.

The first one says: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow".

The second one says: "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet".

The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says: "You two know nothing about fast. My father works for the government. He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45!!"

[The Doctor]

Secretary walks in to the boss's office and says "I'm afraid I have some bad news."

The boss replies, "why do you always have to give me bad news? Can't you, just once, give me some good news?"

The secretary replies: "OK, you're not sterile."

[RRmike]

What do you call a smart Blond. A golden Retriever

:p