Joke of the Day!

[The Doctor]

An Israeli doctor says: "In Israel, medicine is so advanced that we can cut off a man's testicles, put them on another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for work.
The German doctor says: "That' nothing. In Germany, we take part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."
The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we take half a heart from a one man, put it in another man's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."
The American doctor laughs: "You are ALL behind us in America, Seven years ago, we took a Muslim with NO brains, NO heart and NO balls and made him President.
Now, the whole country is looking for work!"

[riverrunner1984]

An Israeli doctor says: "In Israel, medicine is so advanced that we can cut off a man's testicles, put them on another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for work.
The German doctor says: "That' nothing. In Germany, we take part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."
The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we take half a heart from a one man, put it in another man's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."
The American doctor laughs: "You are ALL behind us in America, Seven years ago, we took a Muslim with NO brains, NO heart and NO balls and made him President.
Now, the whole country is looking for work!"

[riverrunner1984]

Twisted as fuck but still funny



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[The Doctor]

Complete vs. Finished

No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between these two words. In a recent linguistic competition held in London and attended by, supposedly, the best in the world, Samdar Balgobin, a Guyanese man, was the clear winner with a standing ovation which lasted over 5 minutes.

The final question was: How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand? Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.

Here is his astute answer:
When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED.
And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!!!

He won a trip around the world and a case of 25 year old Scotch!

[The Doctor]

Obama the Saint>>> :-)
Last Saturday afternoon, in Washington, DC an aide to President Barack Obama visited the Cardinal of the Catholic cathedral in Washington. He told the Cardinal that President Barack Obama would be attending the next mass, and he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Obama to the congregation and say a few words that would include calling Obama a saint.
The Cardinal replied, "No. I don't really like the man, and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain of Obama's views. Obama's aide then said, "Look, I'll write a check here and now for a donation of $10,000 to your church if you'll just tell the congregation you see Obama as a saint." The Cardinal thought about it and said, "Well, the church can use the money, so I'll work your request into tomorrow's sermon."
As Obama's aide promised, Obama appeared for the Sunday worship and seated himself prominently at the forward left side of the center aisle. As promised, at the start of his sermon, the Cardinal pointed out that Obama was present. The Cardinal went on to explain to the congregation, "While President Obama’s presence is probably an honor to some, the man is not numbered among my personal favorite personages. Some of his views are contrary to tenets of the Church, and he tends to flip-flop on many other issues. Barack Obama is a petty, self-absorbed hypocrite, a thumb sucker and a nit-wit. Barack Obama is also a serial liar, a cheat, and a thief. I must say, Barack Obama is the worst example of a Christian I have ever personally witnessed. He is a narcissist and is using his speaking ability to lie to the American people. He also has a reputation for shirking his obligations, both In Washington and in Illinois. The man is simply not to be trusted."
The Cardinal concluded, "But, when compared with Hillary Clinton, Obama is a Saint."

[riverrunner1984]

I seriously LMAO

Mark decided to propose to Juanita, but prior to her acceptance, Juanita had
to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Mark that she
suffered a disease that left her breasts the maturity of a 12 year old. He
stated that it was ok because he loved her soooo much.
However, Mark felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he
also had a deformity too. Mark looked Juanita in the eyes and said...."I too
have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could
deal with that once we are married."
She said "Yes I would marry you and learn to live with your infant size penis."
Juanita and Mark got married and they could not wait for the Honeymoon. Mark
whisked Juanita off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing,
holding one another... As Juanita put her hands in Mark's pants she began to
scream and run out of the room.
Mark ran after her to find out what was wrong.
She stated to Mark, "You told me your penis was the size of an infant!"
Mark said, "Yes, it is... 8 lbs., 7 oz., 19 inches long!!"

[ChumpChange]

Hahahahahaha. Will be passing that one on!

[JohnnyRotten]

With a very seductive voice a young wife asked her husband,
"Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No" said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons of her blouse and
slowly reached down into her ample cleavage and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.
She then asked, "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No I haven't," he said with an anxious tone in his voice.
She gave him another sexy little smile, unzipped her skirt, letting it drop to the floor and seductively reached into her panties and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

"Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 70,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No way" he said, becoming even more aroused and excited to which she replied:

"Go look in the garage."

[riverrunner1984]

My cousin has 2 tickets for the 2017 SUPER BOWL, both box seats. He paid $1,500 for each ticket, but he didn't realize last year when he bought them that it was going to be the same day as his wedding.
If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place...It's at the First Baptist Church, in Gettysburg at 3pm. Her name is Judy, she is 5'1, about 110 lbs, she's a good cook too...She'll be the one in the white dress.

[spike morelli]

Twisted as fuck but still funny



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There's a joke similar, that ends with "...yeah, yer brother wanted to go too...", equally as sick and twisted, but I remembering laughing awfully hard when I heard it.