Joke of the Day!

[SBS933]

Hell Yeah !!! A guy gets pulled over by a cop, the cop asks him where in the hell are you going that you had to drive that fast ? The man tells him he's going to work. The cop asks, what the hell do you do that's so important. the man tells him he's an Asshole Stretcher, the cop says what the hell does an Asshole Stretcher do ? the man tells him, well I insert 2 fingers then 2 more and I stretch it till it's six foot wide. The cop then asks, what the hell do you do with a 6 foot Asshole ? The man tells him, I put a Gun and a Badge on it.

[ChumpChange]

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again." To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will five times!"

[ChumpChange]

There was a little old lady who was nearly blind. She had three sons and they wanted to prove which one was the best son to her. So son #1 bought her a 15-room mansion thinking this would surely be the best any of them could offer her. Son #2 bought her a beautiful Mercedes with a chauffeur included thinking he would surely win her approval. Son #3 had to do something even better than these so he bought her a trained parrot. This parrot had been trained for 15 years to memorize the entire Bible. You could mention any verse in the Bible and the parrot could quote it word for word. How useful his nearly blind mother would find that! Well, the old lady went to the first son and said, "Son, the house is just gorgeous but it's really much too big for me. I only live in one room, and it's much too large for me to clean and take care of. I really don't need the house, but thank you anyway." Then she explained to her sec ond son, "Son, the car is beautiful, it has everything you could ever want on it, but I don't drive and I really don't like that driver, so please return the car." Next, she went to son number three and said, "Son, I just want to thank you for that thoughtful gift. The chicken was small, but delicious."

[riverrunner1984]

On his Birthday, Peter was really upset because none of his family members or near and dear ones wished him. As he walked into his office, his secretary Anna said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!" He felt a bit better knowing that at least someone remembered. In the lunch time Anna knocked on his door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your Birthday, why don't we go out for lunch, just you and me." Peter happily agreed They had their lunch but on the way back to the office, Anna said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day... We don't have to go right back to the office, do we?" Peter replied "I suppose not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's go to my apartment, it's just around the corner." After arriving at her apartment, Anna said, "Boss if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back." "Ok." He nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes; she came out carrying a huge birthday cake... Followed by his wife, his kids, and dozens of his friends, and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday". And Peter just sat there... On the couch... Naked...

[SBS933]

A very religious woman buys a parrot from the local pet store, after taking him home she asks him. Polly want a cracker ? the parrot replies " EAT SHIT " The woman is so mad she puts him in the freezer for 10 min. She then takes him out and asks him if he learned his lesson. The parrot replies with " EAT SHIT " The woman throws him back in the freezer, and after 30 Mins. he looks down and see's a frozen turkey. He tells the turkey Holy Shit man you must have said FUCK.

[The Doctor]

Sum ting wong!!!

[SBS933]

Som Wong Gon Die !!!

[SBS933]

A gay man comes home from work, and his boyfriend is naked and bent over. He tells his boyfriend they are gonna play a game, he is going to see how far he can shove his hand up his ass. the guy says OK, he then puts all his fingers in. His boyfriend says " DEEPER " he then sticks his hand all the way in. The response is " DEEPER " he then sticks his whole arm in, and feels something. He pulls his arm out and it's a Rolex, his boyfriend still bent over turns around and says " HAPPY BIRTHDAY "

[ChumpChange]

FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed, got married last month. Wife knows everything.

[rocket98]

A while back, I picked up a lovely date at her parent's home.

I'd scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant.

She ordered the most expensive items on the menu . . . Patron tequila,
Shrimp cocktail, foie gras. Lobster, Dom Perignon champagne.

I asked her, "Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?"

"No," she replied, "but my mother's not expecting a blow job tonight."

I said, "Would you care for dessert ?"