Joke of the Day!

[SBS933]

A couple of 80 year olds met one day, and decided to go out on a date. Then after a night of dining and dancing, they decided to go back to her house for sex. After the woman undressed and layed down on the bed, she tells the guy I have to warn you I have ACUTE ANGINA. the guy remarks, I hope so cause your Tits look like shit.

[riverrunner1984]

[riverrunner1984]

Hello? Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is mommy near the phone? No, daddy. Shes upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul. After a brief pause, daddy say but honey you don't have an Uncle Paul. Oh yes I do, & he's upstairs in the room with mommy right now. Brief pause. Uh ok then I want you to put the phone down & run upstairs & knock on the door & shout to mommy that daddy's car just pulled up. Ok daddy just a min. A few min later the lil girl comes back to the phone. I did it daddy. And what happened honey? Well mommy got scared, jumped outta bed naked & ran round screaming then tripped on the rug, hit her head on the dresser & now she isn't moving at all! What about your Uncle Paul? He jumped outta the back window into the pool. But I guess he didn't know you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of it & I think hes dead! Real long pause! Then daddy says, swimming pool? Is this 486-5732? The little girl says No I think you have the wrong number.

[SBS933]

What did the DeadHead say when he ran out of Drugs. This band sucks.

[riverrunner1984]

Jokes For Men Only..lol


The human body has 7 trillion nerves.......my wife manages to get on every
fucking one of them.

--------------

I fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. They're brilliant...It makes the wife look
like she's actually moving during sex.

----------

My wife said that she was leaving me because I always exaggerate. I was so
shocked I almost tripped over my cock.

--------------

I went to the doctor's office the other day and found out that my new doctor is
young, female and drop dead gorgeous. I was embarrassed, but she said,
"Don't worry, I am a professional - I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong
and I'll check it out.
I said, "My wife thinks that my dick tastes funny"

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I was pretty excited when my new girlfriend sent me a text message claiming
that she loves anal.
Dyslexic bitch, it turns out that she loves Alan, my best friend..

--------------

A guy is watching a film with creepy organ music on the TV and suddenly yells,
"No! No! Don't enter that church, you damn fool..!"
His wife asks him, "What are you watching?"
Husband replies, "Our wedding video"

--------------

Life is like a penis....Soft and hanging freely....It's women that make it hard

--------------

I said to the wife, "Get me a newspaper"
"Don't be silly," she said "You can borrow my iPad"
That spider never knew what fucking hit it.

--------------

I bought a new perfume for my wife called Chloroform but she says she
doesn't like it.
She says that it makes her sleepy and her ass sore.

[rschap1]

[riverrunner1984]

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor.

I work at great depths.

I plunge head first into everything I do.

I do not get weekends or public holidays off.

I work in a damp environment.

I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

I work in high temperatures.

My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,
P. Niss

The Response:

Dear P. Niss:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.

You fall asleep after brief work periods.

You do not always follow the orders of the management team.

You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.

You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.

You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.

You will retire well before you are 65.

You are unable to work double shifts.

You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed assigned task.

And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,
V. Gina

[Stainless]

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor.

I work at great depths.

I plunge head first into everything I do.

I do not get weekends or public holidays off.

I work in a damp environment.

I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

I work in high temperatures.

My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,
P. Niss

The Response:

Dear P. Niss:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.

You fall asleep after brief work periods.

You do not always follow the orders of the management team.

You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.

You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.

You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.

You will retire well before you are 65.

You are unable to work double shifts.

You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed assigned task.

And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,
V. Gina

Awesome!


Bench race driver of the NHRA 16X Castrol GTX Mustang

[ChumpChange]

A pediatrician asked six-year-old Johnny, who watched a lot TV, asks, just to make conversation. "Johnny, if you found a couple of dollars and had to spend them, what would you buy?" "A box of Tampax," he replied without hesitation. "Tampax?" said the doctor. "What would you do with that?" "Well, said Johnny, "I do not know exactly, but it's sure worth two dollars. With tampax, it says on TV, you can go swimming, go horseback riding, and also go skating, any time you want to."

[ChumpChange]

While getting a checkup, a man tells his doctor that he thinks his wife is losing her hearing. The doctor says, "You should do a simple test. Stand about 15 feet behind your wife and say "honey?" Move 3 feet closer and do it again. Keep moving 3 feet closer until she finally responds." Remember how close you were when she gives you an answer. That will help me know how bad her hearing loss is.

About a month later the same guy is at the doctor again complaining of his wifes hearing problem and the doctor asks, "Well, did you do that experiment with your wife's hearing?" The man says "yes". "How close did you get before she answered?" "Well, by the time I got about 2 feet away she turned around and screamed "For the FIFTH TIME... WHAT???"