Joke of the Day!

[SBS933]

A man calls his house from work and his little girl answers the phone, he tells his daughter he needs to talk to mommy. The daughter tells him she is in the bedroom with uncle bob, the dad says you don't have an uncle bob. He then tells his daughter to knock on the door and yell DADDY IS HOME. The daughter comes back to the phone and tells her dad, I did what you said and uncle bob jumped out the window and landed in the pool and he is dead. The man then said Heather we don't have a pool and the little girl says my name isn't Heather it is tammy. The man then says OOPS Wrong Number.

[ChumpChange]

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met.After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding.Their life together was, of course, perfect.One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress.Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys.Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.Only one of them survived the accident.Question: Who was the survivor?Answer: The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man!* Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.** Men keep reading *So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.* Men Keep reading *By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this illustrates another point: Women never listen!

[rschap1]

More good stuff !!

[SBS933]

Excellent

[ChumpChange]

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctors office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die. "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. "Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly. "If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely." On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?" "He said you're going to die," she replied

[ChumpChange]

Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

A married couple is lying in bed and the wife says, "I'm going to make you the happiest man in the world tonight."
The husband immediately has a huge smile on his face and replies, " great, let me get out of this bed so I can help you pack!"

Husband looking to spice things up a little says to his wife, "honey, lets try swapping positions tonight?"
The wife says, "that's a good idea, you stand by the ironing board, while I sit on the sofa and fart all night!"

[SBS933]

A man makes a doctors appt. for a yearly physical, when the doctor walks in he notices it is a Hot female doctor. She see's the look in the guys eyes and tells him, don't worry i'm a highly trained doctor. She then tells him to strip down, then halfway through the exam she tells the man, sir you are gonna have to stop masturbating. The man responds with WHY, the doctor tells him, because it's distracting the exam.

[riverrunner1984]

NO Speak English

A Russian woman married an American gentleman born in Virginia and they lived happily ever after in his home town.

The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher counter and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...

















What were you Thinking?


Her husband speaks English... hellooo!

[Havasu Party Bus]

OH MY GOODNESS!!! I spit coffee everywhere reading this!!!::::

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week.Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor’s office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn’t have any time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn’t going to be able to make the full effort.

So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.
I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I’m sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.
I was a little surprised when the doctor said, “My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven’t we?” I didn’t respond.

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal .. Some shopping, cleaning, cooking. After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, “Mommy, where’s my washcloth?”

I told her to get another one from the cupboard.

She replied, “No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it.”

Never going back to that doctor again……….. never.

[Gyxer]

A skeleton walks in to a bar. Bartender says "what'll ya have?" Skeleton says "i'll have a beer.......and a mop."