Joke of the Day!

[HB Vic]

Lol ...

[Stainless]

:d:d:d

[rschap1]

Too bad that is so true...

Even Don Rickles said, give 'em jewelry and they just keep layin' there.

[K-034]

SIPPING VODKA









A new Priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.



The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."



So next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice.. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.. He proceeded to talk up a storm.



Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:



1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C..

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him..

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'

11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for this is my body." He did not say,"Eat me."

12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.

13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

[hbchgirl]

Great joke!

[chevellesb406]

So some co-workers go out to the bar after work on Friday. One of the guys proceeds to get entirely too trashed and ends up throwing up on himself. He starts saying, "Oh man, oh man, I am so dead, oh man, oh man, she's gonna kill me." His buddy walks over and tries consoling him saying, "Hey you're an idiot, but this kinda thing happens, its not the end of the world." The drunk guy responds, "Dude, you don't understand, this happens all the time, I drink too much and then I embarrass myself. My wife said that if it ever happened one more time, she was gonna leave me." The buddy responds, "Well crap, I guess I gotta help you out. I got it! You are going to go home, and when your wife confronts you, you explain that you were waiting in line for the bathroom, and some drunk idiot in an emergency tried busting through the line and didn't make it in time, and ended up throwing up on you. In fact, he felt so bad about it, he gave you 20 bucks to get your shirt dry cleaned." The buddy then takes out a twenty and puts it in his shirt pocket. The drunk guy replies, "Ok, OK, I can do this."

He drives him home, drops him off, and as the drunk guy is fumbling for the keys, the wife opens the door, takes one look, and starts shaking her head saying, "I warned you, you drunk, one more time and I am outta here." The drunk responds, "Babe, its not what you think, I was in line for the bathroom and some drunk guy was trying to push through and get in, he didn't make it in time and puked all over me. He even felt bad about it and gave me 20 bucks to dry clean the shirt." The wife reaches into his shirt pocket and pulls out two 20's. She yells at him, "There are two 20's in here." The drunk responds, "Oh yeah, he also shit in my pants."

Hope that wasn't too long winded, its one of my favorites.

[Menace Marine]

SIPPING VODKA









A new Priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.



The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."



So next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice.. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.. He proceeded to talk up a storm.



Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:



1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C..

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him..

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'

11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for this is my body." He did not say,"Eat me."

12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.

13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

One of my favorites.

[K-034]

Health & Safety Test

I failed a Health and Safety course at work today.

One of the questions was: "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?"

"Fucken' big ones" was apparently the wrong answer.

[Stainless]

Great jokes people!

[rschap1]

Smart women huh?