Yes I am and proudQuote:
Originally Posted by Eli
:D
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Yes I am and proudQuote:
Originally Posted by Eli
:D
Attachment 35499
Sent from my Bat Cave
A drunken cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo Theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy, “Sorry sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.” The cowboy groaned but didn’t budge. The usher became more impatient. “Sir, if you don’t get up from there I’m going to have to call the manager.” Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally they summoned the police. The Texas Ranger surveyed the situation briefly then asked, “all right buddy what’s your name?” “Fred,” the cowboy moaned. “Where ya from, Fred?” asked the Ranger.. With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred replied, “the balcony…”
An old couple were sitting up in bed. Suddenly he starts to touch her arm, then moved down to her waist, to her hips and down her leg. Then he moved over and did the same on the other side and then stopped. Aroused by this his wife asked "Honey,why did you stop?" and he replied "Because I finally found the remote."
The Hookers' Union
A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels.
When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"
"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."
"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered.
Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules."
The man asked, "And, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."
"That's more like it!" the union man said.
He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive green-eyed blonde.
"I'd like her," he said.
"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next!"
And here we have our first reposted joke of the thread!Quote:
Originally Posted by riverrunner1984
My bad, I get too many of them to keep track.Quote:
Originally Posted by Mateo
I'll delete.
ObamaGolf :D
Receptionist) Hello, Welcome to ObamaGolf . My name is Trina. How can I help you?
(Customer) Hello, I received an email from Golfsmith stating that my Pro V1 order has been canceled and I should go to your exchange to reorder it. I tried your web site, but it seems like it is not working. So I am calling the 800 number.
(Receptionist) Yes, I am sorry about the web site. It should be fixed by the end of 2014. But I can help you.
(Customer) Thanks, I ordered some Pro V1 balls.
(Receptionist) Sir, Pro V1's do not meet our minimum standards, I will be happy to provide you with a choice of Pinnacle, TopFlite , or Callaway Blue.
(Customer) But I have played Pro V1 for years.
(Receptionist) The government has determined that Pro V1s are no longer acceptable, so we have instructed Titleist to stop making them. TopFlites are better, sir, I am sure you will love them.
(Customer) But I like the Pro V1. Why are TopFlites better?
(Receptionist) That is all spelled out in the 2700 page "Affordable Golf Ball Act" passed by Congress.
(Customer) Well, how much are these TopFlites ?
(Receptionist) It depends sir, do you want our Bronze, Silver, Gold or Platinum package?
(Customer) What's the difference?
(Receptionist) 12, 24, 36 or 48 balls.
(Customer) The Silver package may be okay; how much is it?
(Receptionist) It depends, sir; what is your monthly income?
(Customer) What does that have to do with anything?
(Receptionist) I need that to determine your government Golf Ball subsidy; then I can determine how much your out-of-pocket cost will be. But if your income is below the poverty level, you might qualify for a subsidy. In that case, I can refer you to our BallAid department.
(Customer) BallAid ?
(Receptionist) Yes, golf balls are a right, everyone has a right to golf balls. So, if you can't afford them, then the government will supply them free of charge.
(Customer) Who said they were a right?
(Receptionist) Congress passed it, the President signed it and the Supreme Court found it Constitutional.
(Customer) Whoa.....I don't remember seeing anything in the Constitution regarding golf balls as a right.
(Receptionist) There's no explicit mention of golf balls in the Constitution, but President Obama is a former constitutional scholar and he believes it would have been included if the Constitutional had not been drafted by a bunch of slave-owning white men. The Democrats in the Congress and the Supreme Court agree with the President that golf balls are now a right guaranteed by the Constitution.
(Customer) I don't believe this...
(Receptionist) It's the law of the land sir. Now, we anticipated most people would go for the Silver Package, so what is you monthly income sir?
(Customer) Forget it, I think I will forgo the balls this year.
(Receptionist) In that case, sir, I will still need your monthly income.
(Customer) Why?
(Receptionist) To determine what your 'non-participation' cost would be.
(Customer) WHAT? You can't charge me for NOT buying golf balls.
(Receptionist) It's the law of the land, sir, approved by the Supreme Court. It's $49.50 or 1% of your monthly income.....
(Customer)(interrupting) This is ridiculous, I'll pay the $49.50.
(Receptionist) Sir, it is the $49.50 or 1% of your monthly income, whichever is greater.
(Customer) ARE YOU KIDDING ME? What a ripoff!!
(Receptionist) Actually sir, it is a good deal. Next year it will be 2%.
(Customer) Look, I'm going to call my Congressman to find out what's going on here. This is ridiculous. I'm not going to pay it.
(Receptionist) Sorry to hear that sir, that's why I had the NSA track this call and obtain the make and model of the cell phone you are using.
(Customer) Why does the NSA need to know what kind of CELL PHONE I AM USING?
(Receptionist) So they get your GPS coordinates, sir
(Door Bell rings followed immediately by a loud knock on the door)
(Receptionist) That would be the IRS, sir. Thanks for calling ObamaGolf , have a nice day...and God Bless the Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave.
That is hilarious 28E! :D
CH3NO2
lol. It was a joke. Get it! Joke of the Day thread.........Quote:
Originally Posted by riverrunner1984
A man received the following text from his neighbor:
I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.
I have been tapping into your wife, day and night when you're not around.
In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse.
I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
A few moments later, a second text came in:
Bloody Auto Correct -meant to write Wifi not Wife.
:D
ch3no2
Lmao!!!
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Doh ! ! ! !
A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty except for one elderly Cowboy who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that
God's ultimate enemy was in his presence..
So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'
The old cowboy replied, 'Yep, sure do.'
'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.
'Nope, sure ain't.' said the cowboy.
'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.
'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.
'Did you know that I can cause you profound, Horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.
'Yep,' was the calm reply.
'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.
'Nope,' said the old cowboy.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'
The old cowboy calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years.'
I seemingly well endowed Texan met a date on match.com and they agreed to go on a date. During dinner all the Texan could talk about was how much bigger everything in Texas is, our ranches are at least 1000 sections, Texas has more oil, Texas has more cattle, Texas blah, blah, blah. After dinner they decided to go to his place. A few drinks later and some cuddling, clothing started coming off. The eager Texan glanced over to the already naked date laying on the bed with her legs spread open slightly, when he caught a glimpse of her vagina. Flabbergasted...he blurted, "Ma'm, what part of Texas are you from?"
CH3NO2
A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas." The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. Ill come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.
"How many sales did you make today?"
Kid says, "One."
Boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.
How much was the sale for?"
Kid says "$201,237.64.
Boss says "201,237.64?? What the heck did you sell?"
Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat; we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didnt think his Mercedes would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him an Escalade."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"
Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, your weekends shot, you might as well go fishing."
What did the guy vampire say to the girl vampire?
See you next period!
I lol when I read this.
I was going to go with "bite me"Quote:
Originally Posted by riverrunner1984
Sent from my Bat Cave