Joke of the Day!

[ChumpChange]

I went to the doctor's office the other day at my wife Debora's request and found out our new family doctor is a young female; friggin drop-dead gorgeous.
I was embarrassed but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional. I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out."
I said, "my wife thinks my penis tastes funny."

[Wendi]

Lmao very funny

[HB Vic]

I went to the doctor's office the other day at my wife Debora's request and found out our new family doctor is a young female; friggin drop-dead gorgeous.
I was embarrassed but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional. I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out."
I said, "my wife thinks my penis tastes funny."

My banker told me that joke last week. You guys must read the same magazines lol

[chevellesb406]

Reminds me of my last visit to the doctor. She was smoking hot as well. She began my examination and said, "Sir, you are going to have to stop masturbating." I was shocked and responded, "why?!" And she replied, "because I am trying to examine you right now and its very inappropriate to be doing that right now." :)

[Stainless]

:d:d:d

[ChumpChange]

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide she'll become a hooker.

She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner.

She's not there five minutes when a guy pulls up and says, "How much?"

"A hundred dollars."

"Damn. All I've got is thirty."

"Hold on," she says and runs back to Harry. "What can he get for thirty dollars?"

"A handjob," Harry replies.

She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a handjob.

He says okay, she gets in the car, he unzips his pants, and out pops a simply HUGE male unit.

She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back."

She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly, "Harry, can you loan this guy seventy bucks?"

[Stainless]

:d:d:d

[ChumpChange]

Two atoms were walking across a road when one of them said, "I think I lost an electron!" "Really!" the other replied, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I 'm absolutely positive."

[Zander]

Two blonds are looking at the moon then one of them says:
What is the furthest away, the moon or Washington?
The other says:
Well duuuh! Do you se Washington from here???

:D :D :D

[Stainless]

Two blonds are looking at the moon then one of them says:
What is the furthest away, the moon or Washington?
The other says:
Well duuuh! Do you se Washington from here???

:D :D :D

:D:p:D

[ChumpChange]

How to shower like a man & woman


HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long robe.

If you see husband along the way,cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror -- make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower. Use wash cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Rinse off.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mold spots with Tilex.

Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long robe and towel on head.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.

Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

Pee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off..

Fail to notice the water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.

Admire wiener size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, and light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

[Stainless]

^^^^^^^^^^^^
So true for Men and Women:D

[Wendi]

That is a funny joke and yes so true lmao

[Wendi]

I especially like the shake weiner part

[ChumpChange]

I especially like the shake weiner part

Also known as "The One Bladed Helicopter"!

[ChumpChange]

Where Lawyers Come From

A young woman went to see her doctor one day. She nervously asked, "Doctor, please tell me. Can I get pregnant from anal intercourse?"

The doctor immediately responded, "My dear, where do you think lawyers come from?"

[Stainless]

:D:p:D

[HB Vic]

Where Lawyers Come From

A young woman went to see her doctor one day. She nervously asked, "Doctor, please tell me. Can I get pregnant from anal intercourse?"

The doctor immediately responded, "My dear, where do you think lawyers come from?"

Ouch ...

[ChumpChange]

http://t1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTfdvma6F4IpzREDtj5KkWF6rwrNUZ6G 4CcUWlUbz7E6K3er1_Swzhkki6T

[Stainless]

:D!!!!

[ChumpChange]

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes- caffeine."

"Have you ever been in the military service?

"Yes," he says "I was in Afghanistan for two years."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward

employment."

Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both of my

testicles.

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K.. You've got enough points

for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 A.M. to

4: 00 P.M. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10:00 A.M .

every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 A.M. to

4:00 PM. , why don't you want me to here until 10:00 A.M .?"

"This is a Government job," the interviewer says, "For the first two

hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls..

[Stainless]

Good one Mateo!

[The Doctor]

Two blonds were out walking one day when they came across a set of tracks. The first one said "Those are elk tracks" while the second quickly responded "No. Those are deer tracks." They went back and forth for fifteen minutes both insisting they were right until the train hit them.

[Stainless]

:d:d:d

[ChumpChange]

Took a few days off of work last week.

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband came into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said. "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?!? They're going to STICK! Careful... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL!

You never listen to me when you're cooking," he added. "Never! Turn them! Hurry Up! Are you CRAZY?!? Have you lost your MIND?!? Don't forget to salt them! You know you always forget that. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at thim, "What's wrong with you? You don't think I know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

[ChumpChange]

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming aorund in Spain...

While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, "Si Senor, you have excellent taste! Those are Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A true delicacy!"

The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order!"

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor, there is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. if you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy."

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday."

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

[rschap1]

Oh no


Yucky

[Stainless]

LMAO Mateo, that was good!

[Bianca_Rose]

Hahah good one...definatly so true

[Wendi]

👍Hahahaha

[GotHalos]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cQzPNT780bs&feature=youtube_gdata_player

[rschap1]

poor girl

[ChumpChange]

A young lady came home from a date, sad and in tears. She told her mother, “Robert proposed to me an hour ago.”

“Then why are you so sad?” her mother asked.

”Because he also told me he’s an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there’s a Hell!”

Her mother replied, “Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we’ll show him how wrong he is.”

[Stainless]

Good one MK!:D

[WMC]

Yup good

Sent from my XT907 using Tapatalk 2

[Wendi]

Haha funny

[rschap1]

both
good ones

:)

[ChumpChange]

Little Billy couldn't help noticing the fancy, expensive wristwatch that his friend, Danny, was wearing to school.

"Wow! That's a cool watch! It looks like it can do everything!" 10-year old Billy said.

"Yea, it's great! It tells time, it's a calendar, a calculator, a compass, it glows in the dark, it beeps and bloops and I pretend it's a walkie-talkie / cell phone!" beams Danny.
"Cool! Where can I get one, so we can prentend to talk to each other?"

"It's easy! All you have to do is run into your Mom and Dad's room when they're kissing and fooling around! They'll be so upset and will give you anything you want, just as long as you leave when they tell you to go away!" Danny tells him.

Excited about the prospect of getting a neat wristwatch so easily, Billy waits until his mother and new step-father go upstairs for some private time. He gives them about 5 minutes to let them get going, when all of a sudden he barges in, and runs up to their bed.

Sure enough they're naked and barely covered by a sheet, which his mother scrambles to cover herself with, while his confused step-father looks at his step-son, slightly annoyed.

"Hey, kid, what're you doing here?" his step-dad grumbles.

"I want a watch!" Billy happily proclaims.

To which the step-father shrugs his shoulders and replies, "Okay. Pull up a chair!"

[rschap1]

Ah kids

[verman]

A amish man walks into his bedroom carrying a sheep and says this is the pig I f*ck when your not in the mood.
His wife says thats not even a pig. The man said I was not talking to you.

[ChumpChange]

Air Force pilot walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?”

“No,” he replies, “I just got this state-of-the-art watch, and I was just testing it.”'

The intrigued woman says, “A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?”

The Air Force pilot explains, “It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.”

The lady says, “What’s it telling you now?”

“Well, it says you’re not wearing any underwear….”

“The woman giggles and replies, “Well it must be broken because I am wearing
underwear!”

The Air Force pilot smirks, taps his watch and says, “Damn thing’s an hour fast.”

[rschap1]

I tell her, " That is a beautiful dress...
it will look great shoved under the back seat of my truck"

believe it or not, back in the day...
it worked a couple times.

[The Doctor]

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, the old Muslim woman says."You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,


"I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !"

[Stainless]

Good one Doc!:D

[verman]

one day little billy's teacher said we are going to learn about sex education.
All you little girls go home and talk to you moms.
All the little boys talk to your fathers.
That night little Billy finds his dad shaving after getting out of the shower.
His dad opens his towel and pulls out his penis and says see this Billy this is a penis in fact it is a perfect penis.
The next day in class the teacher finally calls on Billy to see what he learned.
Billy stands up unzips and pulls out his penis and says see this this is a penis, in fact if it was two inches shorter it would be a perfect penis.

[Stainless]

one day little billy's teacher said we are going to learn about sex education.
All you little girls go home and talk to you moms.
All the little boys talk to your fathers.
That night little Billy finds his dad shaving after getting out of the shower.
His dad opens his towel and pulls out his penis and says see this Billy this is a penis in fact it is a perfect penis.
The next day in class the teacher finally calls on Billy to see what he learned.
Billy stands up unzips and pulls out his penis and says see this this is a penis, in fact if it was two inches shorter it would be a perfect penis.

LMAO!:p

[ChumpChange]

A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico, arguing about which place had the toughest trees.

The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no wood pecker could peck.

The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem.

The Mexican woodpecker was amazed. The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada

that was absolutely 'impeckable', a term frequently used by woodpeckers.

The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.

The two flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker quickly pecked the so-called 'impeccable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused.

How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck a Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck a Canadian tree,


but neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?

After much pecker pondering, they came to the following conclusion:

Apparently, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.

[Stainless]

Funny, funny Mateo!:D

[rschap1]

Don't tell the wife

[ChumpChange]

Birds and Bees

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

“Mother, where do babies come from?”

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.”

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend.

“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”

“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

[HB Vic]

Lol ...

[Stainless]

:d:d:d

[rschap1]

Too bad that is so true...

Even Don Rickles said, give 'em jewelry and they just keep layin' there.

[K-034]

SIPPING VODKA









A new Priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.



The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."



So next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice.. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.. He proceeded to talk up a storm.



Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:



1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C..

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him..

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'

11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for this is my body." He did not say,"Eat me."

12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.

13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

[hbchgirl]

Great joke! :action-smiley-035:

[chevellesb406]

So some co-workers go out to the bar after work on Friday. One of the guys proceeds to get entirely too trashed and ends up throwing up on himself. He starts saying, "Oh man, oh man, I am so dead, oh man, oh man, she's gonna kill me." His buddy walks over and tries consoling him saying, "Hey you're an idiot, but this kinda thing happens, its not the end of the world." The drunk guy responds, "Dude, you don't understand, this happens all the time, I drink too much and then I embarrass myself. My wife said that if it ever happened one more time, she was gonna leave me." The buddy responds, "Well crap, I guess I gotta help you out. I got it! You are going to go home, and when your wife confronts you, you explain that you were waiting in line for the bathroom, and some drunk idiot in an emergency tried busting through the line and didn't make it in time, and ended up throwing up on you. In fact, he felt so bad about it, he gave you 20 bucks to get your shirt dry cleaned." The buddy then takes out a twenty and puts it in his shirt pocket. The drunk guy replies, "Ok, OK, I can do this."

He drives him home, drops him off, and as the drunk guy is fumbling for the keys, the wife opens the door, takes one look, and starts shaking her head saying, "I warned you, you drunk, one more time and I am outta here." The drunk responds, "Babe, its not what you think, I was in line for the bathroom and some drunk guy was trying to push through and get in, he didn't make it in time and puked all over me. He even felt bad about it and gave me 20 bucks to dry clean the shirt." The wife reaches into his shirt pocket and pulls out two 20's. She yells at him, "There are two 20's in here." The drunk responds, "Oh yeah, he also shit in my pants." :wink:

Hope that wasn't too long winded, its one of my favorites.

[Menace Marine]

SIPPING VODKA









A new Priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.



The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."



So next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice.. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.. He proceeded to talk up a storm.



Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:



1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C..

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him..

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'

11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for this is my body." He did not say,"Eat me."

12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.

13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

One of my favorites.

[K-034]

Health & Safety Test

I failed a Health and Safety course at work today.

One of the questions was: "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?"

"Fucken' big ones" was apparently the wrong answer.

[Stainless]

Great jokes people!:)

[rschap1]

Smart women huh?

:)

[Stainless]

Good ones MK! :D

[ChumpChange]

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.

I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses what so ever!

A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked.

"What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, "Well JD, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

[rschap1]

That will learn him

[hbchgirl]

LOL...good one!

[Wendi]

MK so true haha

[Stainless]

Post 68 funny too! :D

[Stainless]

Now is this a Joke or True?
:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

In my case I'm the one hogging the bed, sometimes I wake up and wife has moved to the couch, lol.

[rschap1]

x2
but
when together the above applies

[ChumpChange]

The ol' South Heimlich Maneuver Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat,

they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.

After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in
real distress One of the hillbillies looks at her and says,
'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress,

yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

[Wendi]

Good one

[ChumpChange]

Four guys sitting around having drinks and one of the men had to use the restroom. The three others talked about their kids.

The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy he started working at a company at the bottom. He studied business and began to climb the corporate ladder, became president of the company. Hes so rich he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for Christmas."

The second guy said, "Damn, that's terrific! My son is also the pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, went to flight school to become a pilot. He became a partner where he owns the majority of its assets. He is so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet as a Christmas gift!"

The third man said. "Well that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer, started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave an expensive Christmas gift to his best friend, a 30,000 square foot mansion!"

The 3 guys congratulate each other just as the 4th guy returned from the restroom and asked what are all the congratulations for?

One of the three guys said, "Were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons..."

"What about your son?" they asked the 4th guy.

The fourth man replied, " my son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."

The three friends said, " that's a shame...what a disappointment. "

The fourth man replied. " nah, I'm not ashamed hes my son and i love him..and he hasn't done too badly either. Just this Christmas alone he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his 3 boyfriends."

[Stainless]

Good one Mateo! There's a guy where I work that tells jokes like you. I've never heard him tell the same joke twice.:D

[ChumpChange]

Jimmy and Tommy were in school and their class was having a spelling bee.
Jimmy and Tommy were the only ones standing
The teacher said to Tommy, "spell the word correctly and and use it in a sentence. The word is dictate"
Tommy takes his turn, "Dictate...D-I-C-K-T-E-T-E.."
"No Tommy...I'm sorry that's wrong...sit down."
"Jimmy if you can spell the word correctly and use it in a sentence, you win this weeks bee."
"Dictate...D-I-C-T-A-T-E."
"Very good Jimmy now use it in a sentence"
"Hey Susan, How'd my Dic-tate last night?"

[ChumpChange]

I'll double it up for the day:

One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."

The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache.

[Stainless]

I'll double it up for the day:

One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."

The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache.

Lmao!!

[HB Vic]

A drunkphoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. "They've stolenthe dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!"he cried out. However, before the police investigation could start, the phonerang a second time with the same voice came over the line. "Nevermind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat bymistake."

[Stainless]

A drunkphoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. "They've stolenthe dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!"he cried out. However, before the police investigation could start, the phonerang a second time with the same voice came over the line. "Nevermind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat bymistake."


Sounds like me!:p

[ChumpChange]

A lady, alone in her home, answered a knock at the door to find her next door neighbor standing there. "Do you have a vagina?" he asked.

She slammed the door in his face.

The next day there was another knock at the door. Again, she found the neighbor at the door, and again, he asked, "do you have a vagina?"

She slammed the door again. This time she was so upset she told her husband about the incident when he came home.

"Tell you what," said the husband. "Tomorrow I'll stay home from work. If he knocks on the door again, I'll go and hide behind the door while you answer it. If he asks you that question again, say 'yes.' Then if he tries to come in, I'll jump out and surprise him."

The next day, sure enough, there came a knock at the door. The husband got behind the door as his wife opened it. As expected, the neighbor asked, "do you have a vagina?"

"Why, of course I do!" answered the wife.

"Well then, tell your husband to stop fkcing my wife!" demanded the neighbor.

[Just another payment]

girls night out



The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.'
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3 a..m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up
And cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another
9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted
Solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

(Even when totally smashed.... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos
MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him
'MIDNIGHT'... He didn't seem pissed off in the least.

Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo
Clock.'

When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed
Three times, then said 'oh shit.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its
Throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then
tripped over the coffee table and farted.

[rschap1]

A lady, alone in her home, answered a knock at the door to find her next door neighbor standing there. "Do you have a vagina?" he asked.

She slammed the door in his face.

The next day there was another knock at the door. Again, she found the neighbor at the door, and again, he asked, "do you have a vagina?"

She slammed the door again. This time she was so upset she told her husband about the incident when he came home.

"Tell you what," said the husband. "Tomorrow I'll stay home from work. If he knocks on the door again, I'll go and hide behind the door while you answer it. If he asks you that question again, say 'yes.' Then if he tries to come in, I'll jump out and surprise him."

The next day, sure enough, there came a knock at the door. The husband got behind the door as his wife opened it. As expected, the neighbor asked, "do you have a vagina?"

"Why, of course I do!" answered the wife.

"Well then, tell your husband to stop fkcing my wife!" demanded the neighbor.


:)
:)
:)

[ChumpChange]

Two hunters are in the woods, when one of them suddenly collapses. He wasn't breathing, and his eyes looked glazed. Thinking quickly, the other guy grabs his cell phone and calls for help. He shouts at the emergency operator, "I think my friend is dead! What do I do!?"

"Calm down", the operator says in a soothing voice, "I can help you. But first, we need to make sure he's dead."

The phone goes silent for a second, then the operator hears a gunshot; "Ok", says the hunter, "now what?"

[HB Vic]

Two hunters are in the woods, when one of them suddenly collapses. He wasn't breathing, and his eyes looked glazed. Thinking quickly, the other guy grabs his cell phone and calls for help. He shouts at the emergency operator, "I think my friend is dead! What do I do!?"

"Calm down", the operator says in a soothing voice, "I can help you. But first, we need to make sure he's dead."

The phone goes silent for a second, then the operator hears a gunshot; "Ok", says the hunter, "now what?"

lol ...

[Stainless]

A lady, alone in her home, answered a knock at the door to find her next door neighbor standing there. "Do you have a vagina?" he asked.

She slammed the door in his face.

The next day there was another knock at the door. Again, she found the neighbor at the door, and again, he asked, "do you have a vagina?"

She slammed the door again. This time she was so upset she told her husband about the incident when he came home.

"Tell you what," said the husband. "Tomorrow I'll stay home from work. If he knocks on the door again, I'll go and hide behind the door while you answer it. If he asks you that question again, say 'yes.' Then if he tries to come in, I'll jump out and surprise him."

The next day, sure enough, there came a knock at the door. The husband got behind the door as his wife opened it. As expected, the neighbor asked, "do you have a vagina?"

"Why, of course I do!" answered the wife.

"Well then, tell your husband to stop fkcing my wife!" demanded the neighbor.

:p:D:p

[ChumpChange]

Little Johnny was sitting in Sex Ed class one day when the teacher drew a picture of a penis on the board. "Does anyone know what this is?" She asked. Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sure, my daddy has two of them!" "Two of them?!" the teacher asked. "Yeah. He has a little one that he uses to pee with and a big one that he uses to brush mommy's teeth!"

[ChumpChange]

I found this funny:

>By far the worst thing I've ever done
>Be 12, living with abusive uncle and auntie
>We lived on an old farm, no animals just fields
>My uncle goes off to a market and comes back with this filthy ass horse
>Says it's bred from some old bloke's prize stallion
>Auntie loves it for some reason, coz it's all muddy she calls it "Dirty". She was a bit fucked up like that.
>I, being a countryside fag, liked horses and riding them
>Then they turned on me saying "If we ever catch you riding our fucking horse then we will beat the living shot out of you"
>They meant it, they'd done it before
>Few days later, I'm messing in the fields with some old tractor tire I found
>Dirty is just eating grass and shit next to me
>Auntie and uncle come out every few minutes to make sure I'm not riding the horse
>Get bored and climb inside the tire
>Tire starts moving (field wasn't flat)
>Can't stop.
>Auntie and uncle come outside to check on me
>They see me rollin'
>They hatin'
>Patrolling
>Trying to catch me riding Dirty

[Jet-6]

Bahahaha

[ChumpChange]

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap. Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers.

He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue. The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.
The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood.

Startled, he drops a bar of soap.

"Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser".To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood ...... sure enough he drops the second bar of soap.Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens.. So she gives several more tugs, then yells,"Holy Mary, Mother of God, hand lotion, too!"

[rschap1]

Lucky priest...

[Stainless]

Funny those priest are.

[ChumpChange]

I kind of felt bad with that one.....

[Stainless]

You have a good run going with this thread Mateo! ;)

[ChumpChange]

As a woman passes her daughter’s closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within.

Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked: “what in the world are you doing?”

The daughter replied: “mom, i’m thirty-five years old, unmarried,and
This thing is about as close as i’ll ever get to a husband.

Please, go away and leave me alone.

The next day, the girl’s father heard the same buzz coming from the
Other side of the closed bedroom door.

Upon entering the room, he observed
His daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: “dad i’m

Thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as i’ll ever
Get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.

A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed
The groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming
From, of all places, the living room.

She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the tv. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

The wife asked: “what the hell are you doing?”

The husband replied: “i’m watching football with my son-in-law.

[rschap1]

few batteries now and then gotta be cheaper than some free loader might be...
Mom and Dad are getting out cheap and saving a bundle...$$$$

:)
:)
:)

[Stainless]

High Urinals

A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs ) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the mens room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, 'You must be in the 5th grade.'

'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help........'

[rschap1]

Wonder how many times the jockey got back in line???

[ChumpChange]

Confessions of a Former Wal-Mart Greeter
Unfortunately, as I have gotten a little older, I have become a little less sensitive. So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day......

About two hours into my first shift on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store, through the "out" doors, with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way. As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'

So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe you got laid twice. 'Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'

[Stainless]

Another good one Mateo!:D

[rschap1]

:)
:)
:)

[ChumpChange]

A teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was nowhere to be found. Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes, returned with the lens in her hand. "How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked. "We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."

[HB Vic]

A teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was nowhere to be found. Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes, returned with the lens in her hand. "How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked. "We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."

That isn't a joke. It's a fact lol

[rschap1]

motivation !!!

[ptc]

So this blind guy in a wheelchair walks into an empty bar and says "Wheres my Fireball?" ....

Wendi replies "Up the stairs and to your left, get it yourself"


lol

[Menace Marine]

So this blind guy in a wheelchair walks into an empty bar and says "Wheres my Fireball?" ....

Wendi replies "Up the stairs and to your left, get it yourself"


lol

Blind guys in wheelchairs have no business walking.

[Wendi]

So this blind guy in a wheelchair walks into an empty bar and says "Wheres my Fireball?" ....

Wendi replies "Up the stairs and to your left, get it yourself"


lol

Sounds about right, except blind guys in wheelchairs probably won't walk into a bar full or empty. LOL

:action-smiley-060:

[ChumpChange]

There was an older man that was married to a much younger woman, and he was having trouble lasting long enough in bed. So he went to the doctor and was told he should please himself before having sex and he would last longer. One day as 5 o'clock rolls around, he gets a call from his wife who says she's very horny. On his way home, he remembers what the doctor said and decides to jerk it before he gets home. He thinks, "Well, I can't do it in the car, but if I get under it I can pretend I'm fixing my car." So he gets under the car, closes his eyes, and starts jerkin it. A few minutes later, there's a tug at his pants leg. In order to keep the image of his beautiful wife, he doesn't open his eyes, but just hollars, "Yeah?" "I'm Officer Brown. What are you doing down there?" "Well, officer, I'm checking my axle; I think it's come lose." "Well, mister, while you're down there, you might wanna check your brakes; your car's 2 blocks down the road crashed into a tree."

[Stainless]

Lmao!!

[rschap1]

Poor tree

[Stainless]

All very true MK! :p

[rschap1]

TOO true

[ChumpChange]

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers are.

The first one says: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow".

The second one says: "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet".

The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says: "You two know nothing about fast. My father works for the government. He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45!!"

[The Doctor]

Secretary walks in to the boss's office and says "I'm afraid I have some bad news."

The boss replies, "why do you always have to give me bad news? Can't you, just once, give me some good news?"

The secretary replies: "OK, you're not sterile."

[Stainless]

Lmao Doc and Mateo! :D

[ChumpChange]

A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak....

He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged... shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed he was approached by his doctor.

"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."

"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.

"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my brother."

"Oh, well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your brother a plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly." answered the doctor. "He's a flute player in the local symphony and he's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."

[HB Vic]

Lol ...

[ChumpChange]

So on the main screen it says Hotboat has the last post but when I come in here, it says my post is the last one.....

.....okay so now his/her post is there. ;D

[Stainless]

Funny!

[ChumpChange]

"Wake up, son. It's time to go to school." "But why, Mama? I don't want to go to school." "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to school." "One, all the children hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me." "Oh! that's no reason. Come on, you have to go to school." "Give me two good reasons why I should go to school?" "One, you are fifty-two years old. Two, you are the principal!"

[HB Vic]

"Wake up, son. It's time to go to school." "But why, Mama? I don't want to go to school." "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to school." "One, all the children hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me." "Oh! that's no reason. Come on, you have to go to school." "Give me two good reasons why I should go to school?" "One, you are fifty-two years old. Two, you are the principal!"

Bahaha

[Boatnaked]

A guy brings his best buddy home for dinner.

His wife screams: "You butthead!

My hair & makeup aren't done, the house is a mess, the dishes
aren't done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with
cooking tonight!

Why in hell did you bring him home?"

The guy answered: "Because he's thinking of getting married."

[HB Vic]

a guy brings his best buddy home for dinner.

His wife screams: "you butthead!

My hair & makeup aren't done, the house is a mess, the dishes
aren't done, i'm still in my pajamas and i can't be bothered with
cooking tonight!

Why in hell did you bring him home?"

the guy answered: "because he's thinking of getting married."

lol...

[Stainless]

Good one BN!:D

[ChumpChange]

An old man was on his death bed. He wanted badly to take some of his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his banker to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."

At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, "I had only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 for a new baptistery."

"Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000."

The banker was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."

[rschap1]

Figured a lawyer and/or politician would have a part in this too...


:)

[ChumpChange]

Figured a lawyer and/or politician would have a part in this too...


:)

It originally said lawyer but I switched it to banker. :D

[ChumpChange]

A man was terminally ill, so he was breaking all the news to the people he knew.

He was telling everyone goodbye and that he was dying from AIDS.

His son said "Dad why are you telling everyone your dying Aids when you have cancer?"

Because son I don't want anyone fvkcing your mother after I'm gone!

[Stainless]

A man was terminally ill, so he was breaking all the news to the people he knew.

He was telling everyone goodbye and that he was dying from AIDS.

His son said "Dad why are you telling everyone your dying Aids when you have cancer?"

Because son I don't want anyone fvkcing your mother after I'm gone!

Lol lol

[HB Vic]

A man was terminally ill, so he was breaking all the news to the people he knew.

He was telling everyone goodbye and that he was dying from AIDS.

His son said "Dad why are you telling everyone your dying Aids when you have cancer?"

Because son I don't want anyone fvkcing your mother after I'm gone!

bahahaha thats bad. But genious at the same time lol

[ChumpChange]

Bill Clinton and Al Gore are sitting in a diner. The waitress says, "Ready to order?" Clinton says, "Yeah. I'd like a quickie." The waitress says, "A quickie? Mr. President, I don't think that's a real good idea. I'll come back when you're ready to order from the menu." Gore leans and says, "It's pronounced "quiche."

[ChumpChange]

A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of live frogs. The sign says:
'SEX FROGS'
Only $20 each!

Comes with 'complete' instructions.

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching he r. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, 'I'll TAKE one!'

As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, 'Just follow the instructions!

The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does EXACTLY what is specified:

1.Take a shower.

2.Splash on some nice perfume.

3.Slip into a very sexy nightie.

4.Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise . . . NOTHING happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, 'If you have any problems or questions . please call the pet store.'

So, she calls the pet store. The man says, 'I'll be right over.' Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, 'See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there!'

The man . . . looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares 'directly into its eyes' and STERNLY says:

'LISTEN TO ME!!
I'm only going to show you how to do this
ONE ... MORE ... TIME!!!'

[ChumpChange]

Miss Walker asked her class to make a sentence using the word 'Urinate'.

Suzi raised her hand and said "When I drink a lot of water I have to Urinate."

The teacher said, Very good Suzi.

Johnny raised his hand and the teacher sighed deeply not knowing what was going to come out to of his mouth since he was a trouble maker

Ok Johnny what is your sentence?
Johnny said, "Miss Walker... urinate... but if you had bigger tits you'd be a ten.

[Stainless]

Lol lol!!

[ChumpChange]

A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy lunchtime. They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with pager. As they waited patiently, the little boy said loudly, "Gee, she's fat!"

The mother bent down and whispered in the little boy's ear to be quiet. A couple of minutes passed by and the little boy spread his hands as far as they would go and announced; "I'll bet her butt is this big!"

The fat woman turns around and glares at the little boy. The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet. After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the line. Just then, her pager begin to emit a beep, beep, beep.

The little boy yells out, "Run for your life, she's backing up!!"

[The Doctor]

A guy is walking along a Florida beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. A genie appears and tells him he has been granted one wish.

The guy thinks for a moment and says, "I want to live forever."

"Sorry," said the genie, "I'm not allowed to grant eternal life."

"OK, then, I want to die after the Democrats balance the budget and eliminate the debt.

"You crafty weasel," said the genie.

[Stainless]

Good ones Mateo, Doc! :D

[rschap1]

Yep
VERY good
AGAIN !!!!

[Menace Marine]

What kind of bees make milk?


















Boo-bies

[BrettBayne]

Jewish man goes to see his rabbi.

"Rabbi, I have a terrible problem!" the man says. "My son converted to Christianity. What should I do?"

The rabbi ponders this. "Come back tomorrow," he tells the man. "I'll consult with God and ask for his guidance."

The man returns the next day. "Well?"

"God can't help you," the rabbi says. "He says he has the same problem that you have."

[ChumpChange]

A patient was at her doctor's office after undergoing a complete physical exam. The doctor said, "I have some very grave news for you. You only have six months to live."

The patient asked, "Oh doctor, what should I do?"

The doctor replied, "Marry an accountant."

"Will that make me live longer?" asked the patient.

"No," said the doctor, "but it will SEEM longer."

[HB Vic]

Lol.....

13141

[The Doctor]

A balding, white haired man from Florida, walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful, much younger, gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, ‘No, I’d like to see something a little more special.’
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. ‘Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said. The lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, ‘We’ll take it.’
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, ‘By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.’
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said, ‘There’s no money in that account.’
‘I know,’ said the old man, ‘But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!’

[ChumpChange]

A young banker decided to get his first tailor made suit. So he went to the finest tailor in town and got measured for a suit. A week later he went in for his first fitting. He put on the suit and he looked stunning, he felt that in this suit he can do business. As he was preening himself in front of the mirror he reached down to put his hands in the pockets and to his surprise he noticed that there were no pockets. He mentioned this to the tailor who asked him, "Didn't you tell me you were a banker?"

The young man answered, "Yes, I did."

To this the tailor said, "Who ever heard of a banker with his hands in his own pockets?"

[Stainless]

Lol Mateo, aren't you a banker? :D


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[HB Vic]

He's not your normal banker, so I'm not sure if he can actually call himself a banker. He's kinda like the House of doctors but without the pill popping 😁

[ChumpChange]

He's not your normal banker, so I'm not sure if he can actually call himself a banker. He's kinda like the House of doctors but without the pill popping ��

Thanks? :D

[ChumpChange]

This deaf mute strolls into a chemist’s shop to buy a packet of condoms. Unfortunately, the mute cannot see any of his required brand on the shelves, and the chemist, unable to decipher sign language, fails to understand what the man wants. Frustrated, the deaf mute decides to take drastic action: he unzips his trousers and drops his member on the counter, before placing a $10 bill next to it. Nodding, the chemist unzips his own trousers, performs the same maneuver as the mute, then picks up both bills and stuffs them in his pocket. Exasperated, the deaf mute begins to curse the chemist with a wild gesturing of his arms ‘Sorry,’ the chemist says, shrugging his shoulders. ‘But if you can’t afford to lose, you shouldn't gamble.’

[RRmike]

What do you call a smart Blond. A golden Retriever
:D:p:D

[ChumpChange]

At a local college, there was a dance.

A guy from America asked the girl from Sweden to dance. While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, "In America, we call this a hug". She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too."

A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, "In America, we call this a kiss". She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too."

Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to have sex with her, and says, "In America, we call this a grass sandwich". She says, "Yaaah in Sveden, we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it."

[Stainless]

Lmfao!

[ChumpChange]

A worker who was being paid by the week approached his employer and held up his last paycheck. "This is two hundred dollars less than we agreed on," he said.

"I know," the employer said. "But last week I overpaid you two hundred dollars, and you never complained."

"Well, I don't mind an occasional mistake," the worker answered, "but when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to call it to your attention."

[rschap1]

:)
:)
:)

[ChumpChange]

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night, when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.

It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we
take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"

He says, "O.K., Get in the car with it."

"Where shall I put it to get it warm?"

He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.

"But what about the smell?"

"Just hold its nose."

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.

[Wendi]

The teacher asks the kids in class: “What do you want to be when you grow up?”

Little Johnny: "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day."

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson.

And you, Susie?

“I wanna be Johnny's bitch.”

[Stainless]

Lmfao :D

[Menace Marine]

The teacher asks the kids in class: “What do you want to be when you grow up?”

Little Johnny: "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day."

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson.

And you, Susie?

“I wanna be Johnny's bitch.”

That's hilarious.

[rschap1]

smart girl, that Susie

[The Doctor]

"Ammo Shortage"

An elderly gentleman was lucky enough to catch the sporting goods store just as the shipment came in with four boxes of his favorite ammunition. He put it on the seat of his car and drove home. On the way he stopped for gasoline and a beautiful lady at the next pump saw the ammunition on his seat. Desperately needing ammo herself, she inquired, "Would you consider trading sex for ammunition?" The elderly man thought about if for a second and inquired back "What caliber you got?"

[ChumpChange]

A mother took her little boy to church. While in church the little boy said, "Mommy, I have to pee."

The mother said to the little boy, "It's not appropriate to say the word "pee" in church. So, from now on whenever you have to 'pee' just tell me that you have to 'whisper'."

The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, "Daddy, I have to whisper."

The father looked at him and said, "Okay, just whisper in my ear."

[ChumpChange]

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant, and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful, and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and, until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, her mom told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. The girl started to laugh and reached over to hug her mother saying, "Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"

[rschap1]

That is one less worry...I guess

[ChumpChange]

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW. "Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!", he whined.

"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"

"Oh my gaaad....", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex???!!!!!"

[ChumpChange]

A merchant sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money. The distributor, noting that the previous bill hadn't been paid, told the collections manager to check it. The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, "We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one."

The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call, "Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long."

[ChumpChange]

A man and a blonde meet in an elevator. "Where are you heading today?" the man asks.
"I'm going down to give blood."
"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
"About $20."
"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100." The blonde angrily gets off the elevator.
The next day, the man and the blonde meet in the elevator again.
"Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?"
"Sperm bank," she says with her mouth full.

[riverrunner1984]

A man and a blonde meet in an elevator. "Where are you heading today?" the man asks.
"I'm going down to give blood."
"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
"About $20."
"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100." The blonde angrily gets off the elevator.
The next day, the man and the blonde meet in the elevator again.
"Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?"
"Sperm bank," she says with her mouth full.

LMFAO at my desk!!!

[SBS933]

A man is out hunting with his dog, he then points towards some bushes and tells the dog, go see how many ducks are in there. The dog goes and returns barking 3 times, the hunter spooks the birds and sure as hell 3 of em, he shoots and bags em. He does this twice more, when a man walks up and says I've been watching you and i'd like to buy your dog. The man refuses until he is offered $2000.00 then tells the man, you just bought a dog. The man takes the dog out and says go over there and see how many ducks are there. The dog does and when he returns, he sticks his nose up the guys ass. This happens again, so he returns to the seller and tells him, I want my money back this dog ain't worth shit. The seller asks, why he's a great hunting dog. The man tells him, instead of barking the number of ducks, he comes back and sticks his nose in my ass. The seller laughs and tells the man, He's trying to tell you theres a shitload of ducks in there.

[ChumpChange]

Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers. "So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe."

Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably.

"You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000." The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon.

"Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits.

[Wendi]

Hello, is this the Police?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank y...ou very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the Police descend on Billy’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy and left.
The phone rings at Billy's house: "Hey, Billy Bob! Did the Police come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Merry Christmas, Buddy"

[Havasu Party Bus]

Hello, is this the Police?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank y...ou very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the Police descend on Billy’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy and left.
The phone rings at Billy's house: "Hey, Billy Bob! Did the Police come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Merry Christmas, Buddy"

You forgot the photo Wendi here you go.;)

[hbchgirl]

Hello, is this the Police?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank y...ou very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the Police descend on Billy’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy and left.
The phone rings at Billy's house: "Hey, Billy Bob! Did the Police come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Merry Christmas, Buddy"

Good one! :lmao1:

[ChumpChange]

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?" "Oh, Mum," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, Mum, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language...things Id ever heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please Mum!" "Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?" "Please don't make me tell you, Mum," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! Come get me, please!" "Darling, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!" Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mum, they were words like dust, wash, iron, cook!

[doubleeagle]

A young gal was getting married The night before her mother comes in to have the mother daughter talk about the honeymoon night.
Upon returning from her honeymoon her mother asked how everything went.
The daughter Oh mom it was wonderful but I do have a question What are those two big round things about 12" from the tip.
The mother gasp and replies Well on your father they would be the cheeks of his ass

[HB Vic]

A young gal was getting married The night before her mother comes in to have the mother daughter talk about the honeymoon night.
Upon returning from her honeymoon her mother asked how everything went.
The daughter Oh mom it was wonderful but I do have a question What are those two big round things about 12" from the tip.
The mother gasp and replies Well on your father they would be the cheeks of his ass

Lol. Welcome to www.hotboat.com (http://www.hotboat.com) :D

[HB Vic]

Three couples—one elderly, one middle-aged, one young and newly wed—apply for membership in a church. The pastor informs them that the requirement for new parishioners is that they abstain from sex for two weeks. The couples agree and go their separate ways.

After two weeks, they return. The pastor asks the elderly pair if they were able to abstain for two weeks. "No problem at all, Pastor," replies the old man.

"Congratulations!" says the pastor. "Welcome to the church." He turns to the middle-aged couple and asks if they were able to abstain for two weeks. "It was difficult," replies the husband. "By the end of the second week, I had to sleep on the couch, but we did it."

"Congratulations on overcoming temptation," says the pastor. "Welcome to the church." He then turns to the newlyweds and asks if they were able to abstain for two weeks.

"At first it was no problem," says the husband. "But one day my wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf, and she dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," says the pastor.

"We know," says the young man. "We’re not welcome at the supermarket anymore either."

[riverrunner1984]

lol good one!

[Stainless]

You guys are putting up good ones!!! :D

[The Doctor]

A seasoned couple finally got the straw that broke the camel's back. It seems the wife sent the husband out to get "those pills" that will help him get an erection and he came home with diet pills for her. That was all it took . . .

[ChumpChange]

This couple had been dating for about six months, but the guy had been afraid to make any sexual advances because of his tiny organ.
Finally one night, he gets up his courage, and takes her to a secluded spot in his car.
While they are kissing, he opens his zipper and guides her hand onto his penis.
"No thanks," the girl says. "You know I don't smoke."

[ChumpChange]

A man gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and shouts, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!!!"

His wife asks "Wow! That's incredible! Should I pack for the beach or for the mountains?"

He answers "I don't care. Just go!"

[Stainless]

:d:d:d

[ChumpChange]

Bill Johnson was busy at work when he received a call from his wife's doctor.

Dr. Smith: "Is this Bill Johnson, husband of Mary?"

Bill: "Yes it is, is there a problem?"

Dr. "Well, kind of. You see, I have been having a day from hell and saw 2 Mary Johnson's today and just got the test results. I can't recall which Mary is which."

Bill: "I don't understand, how does this affect me?"

Dr. "Well, one Mary has Alzheimer's Disease and the other has HIV"

Bill: "What should I do, Dr?"

Dr. "If your wife finds her way home, don't fvck her"

[Stainless]

Good one! lmao

[SBS933]

A man calls his house from work and his little girl answers the phone, he tells his daughter he needs to talk to mommy. The daughter tells him she is in the bedroom with uncle bob, the dad says you don't have an uncle bob. He then tells his daughter to knock on the door and yell DADDY IS HOME. The daughter comes back to the phone and tells her dad, I did what you said and uncle bob jumped out the window and landed in the pool and he is dead. The man then said Heather we don't have a pool and the little girl says my name isn't Heather it is tammy. The man then says OOPS Wrong Number.

[ChumpChange]

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met.After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding.Their life together was, of course, perfect.One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress.Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys.Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.Only one of them survived the accident.Question: Who was the survivor?Answer: The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man!* Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.** Men keep reading *So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.* Men Keep reading *By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this illustrates another point: Women never listen!

[rschap1]

More good stuff !!

:)
:)
:)

[SBS933]

Excellent:yes:

[ChumpChange]

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctors office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die. "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. "Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly. "If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely." On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?" "He said you're going to die," she replied

[ChumpChange]

Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

A married couple is lying in bed and the wife says, "I'm going to make you the happiest man in the world tonight."
The husband immediately has a huge smile on his face and replies, " great, let me get out of this bed so I can help you pack!"

Husband looking to spice things up a little says to his wife, "honey, lets try swapping positions tonight?"
The wife says, "that's a good idea, you stand by the ironing board, while I sit on the sofa and fart all night!"

[SBS933]

A man makes a doctors appt. for a yearly physical, when the doctor walks in he notices it is a Hot female doctor. She see's the look in the guys eyes and tells him, don't worry i'm a highly trained doctor. She then tells him to strip down, then halfway through the exam she tells the man, sir you are gonna have to stop masturbating. The man responds with WHY, the doctor tells him, because it's distracting the exam.

[riverrunner1984]

NO Speak English

A Russian woman married an American gentleman born in Virginia and they lived happily ever after in his home town.

The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher counter and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...

















What were you Thinking?


Her husband speaks English... hellooo!

[Havasu Party Bus]

OH MY GOODNESS!!! I spit coffee everywhere reading this!!!::::

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week.Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor’s office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn’t have any time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn’t going to be able to make the full effort.

So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.
I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I’m sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.
I was a little surprised when the doctor said, “My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven’t we?” I didn’t respond.

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal .. Some shopping, cleaning, cooking. After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, “Mommy, where’s my washcloth?”

I told her to get another one from the cupboard.

She replied, “No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it.”

Never going back to that doctor again……….. never.

[Gyxer]

A skeleton walks in to a bar. Bartender says "what'll ya have?" Skeleton says "i'll have a beer.......and a mop."

[riverrunner1984]

What deep thinkers men are...
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.

The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.

Finally I thought about an age old question:

Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case. Time for another beer.

[ChumpChange]

I was telling a girl in the pub about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born just by feeling their breasts.

"Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try."

After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.

"Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?"

"Yesterday?" I replied.

[Stainless]

You joke tellers are tearing it up! :D

[ChumpChange]

There was a nun who worked as a nurse at a local hospital.

She was driving the hospital van when it ran out of gas about a mile from a gas station, so she decided to walk to the gas station to get some gas, but the station didn't have a gas can for her to transport the gas back to the van.

She walked back to the van, trying to figure out what to do when she realized that she had some bed pans in the van that she could use. So, she got a bed pan and walked back to the gas station, filled it up and walked back to the van.

As she was pouring the gas into the tank, two men in a truck drove by. One said to the other, "Man, if that works, I'm turning Catholic!"

[SBS933]

A blonde is in the mountains camping when she walks down to the river, she notices another blonde across the river from her. The other blonde yells over to her " HEY, how do I get to the other side ? The blonde looks up river then down river and yells back "YOU ARE ON THE OTHER SIDE


A blonde is walking down the street when she notices another blonde in a dirt field, sitting in a rowboat rowing. She yells over " What the hell are you doing ? the other blonde responds I'm rowing my boat in the lake. The blonde responds with, You dumb ass chick you are the reason us blondes have a bad name, and if I could swim I would go over there and kick your ass.

[ChumpChange]

There's a pirate ship out at sea and the captain asks his pirate in the crow's nest to keep on the lookout. The guy in the crow's nest says "I see a boat a few miles off, but they're gaining fast."

The captain says "Quick someone get me my red shirt. That way if I get hurt, the crew won't see and we won't lose morale."

The lookout says "They're getting closer and now there are five ships!"

The captain says "Quick, someone get me my brown pants!

[Havasu Party Bus]

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?' To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'...

[riverrunner1984]

I saw this video this morning! Def made me laugh

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qe_324wnNQU

[Wheeler]

A little Monkey humor .....


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UO9A4p1Qsvk

[Tishimself]

Yeah, I got one....


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=26eDf2PegRM

[riverrunner1984]

*Walk on the Grass*

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands. The instructor
said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is
especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make
delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and
try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."

"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to
go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for
you both"..

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly
raised his hand.

"Yes?" said the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag
while we walk?"

Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it?

This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught !

[riverrunner1984]

This guy wakes up out of a deep sleep and, feeling real horny, nudges his wife awake and asks, "Why don't we get it on, eh?" She replies, "I have an appointment at the gynecologist tomorrow and you know I don't like to make love the night before." So the husband agrees and rolled back over and started to go back to sleep.

A few minutes later, he nudges his wife again and asks, "You don't by any chance have a dentist's appointment tomorrow, do you?"

[Stainless]

This guy wakes up out of a deep sleep and, feeling real horny, nudges his wife awake and asks, "Why don't we get it on, eh?" She replies, "I have an appointment at the gynecologist tomorrow and you know I don't like to make love the night before." So the husband agrees and rolled back over and started to go back to sleep.

A few minutes later, he nudges his wife again and asks, "You don't by any chance have a dentist's appointment tomorrow, do you?"
:LMAOsmiley:

[Mrs Hotfish]

lol pretty funny

[28eliminator]

This guy wakes up out of a deep sleep and, feeling real horny, nudges his wife awake and asks, "Why don't we get it on, eh?" She replies, "I have an appointment at the gynecologist tomorrow and you know I don't like to make love the night before." So the husband agrees and rolled back over and started to go back to sleep.

A few minutes later, he nudges his wife again and asks, "You don't by any chance have a dentist's appointment tomorrow, do you?"

:thumb:

[28eliminator]

Pope in Alaska

The Pope went on vacation to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska.


He was cruising along the campground in the Pope-Mobile when he heard a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. He found a helpless Democrat wearing shorts, sandals, a 'Vote for Obama' hat and a 'Save the Trees' shirt.


The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about, and trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.


As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers wearing 'Go Sarah ' shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum slug right into the bear's chest. The two other men pulled the semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear. Two of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.


As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of the men over to him.


"I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he proclaimed... "I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."


As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, "Who the heck was that guy?"


"Dude, that was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom."


"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait still alive
or do we need to go back to California and get another one?

[hbchgirl]

My attempt at joke of the day...

18848

[Stainless]

Post 206 and 207 get one of these;:LMAOsmiley:

[hbchgirl]

This guy wakes up out of a deep sleep and, feeling real horny, nudges his wife awake and asks, "Why don't we get it on, eh?" She replies, "I have an appointment at the gynecologist tomorrow and you know I don't like to make love the night before." So the husband agrees and rolled back over and started to go back to sleep.

A few minutes later, he nudges his wife again and asks, "You don't by any chance have a dentist's appointment tomorrow, do you?"

:hilarious:

[riverrunner1984]

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you." He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar." The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

[ChumpChange]

A Canadian, a German and an American were sitting in a restaurant. They were all at different tables and each had a different disability. The man from Canada was in a wheel chair. As the Canadian sat there having his lunch he noticed a man at another table that he thought looked like Jesus. When the waitress came by he asked her, "Is that Jesus sitting there?" The waitress nodded. The man asked if she would take over to Jesus a cup of coffee and say it is on him. The waitress agreed and took a cup of coffee over to Jesus. The German, at another table, had his own problem. He had a terrible speech impediment. He also spotted the man that looked like Jesus. When the waitress came to his table he asked if she could take Jesus a cup of warm soup. The waitress agreed and took over the soup. The American moved very slow and walked with the aid of crutches. Like the others, he also spotted Jesus. When the waitress c ame by his table he asked her to take a refreshing glass of iced tea to the man that looked like Jesus. The waitress once again obliged. When Jesus was finished, before leaving the restaurant he walked over to the Canadian and said, "For your kindness, I will heal you." The Canadian felt strength returning to his legs, stood up and was able to walk again. Then Jesus went over to the German. Jesus said, "For your kindness your speech impediment is cured." Sure enough the man could speak without a single problem. Finally, Jesus walked toward the American. The American quickly jumped up from the table and without the aid of his crutches ran out of the restaurant. As he left the restaurant he said, "Don't touch me, I'm on disability."

[Stainless]

:lmao:


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk - now Free (http://tapatalk.com/m/)

[ChumpChange]

Two friends went into a company to apply for a job. They filled out applications and then were asked to take a test. Because they were applying for the same job, the test was identical. After the test was scored the Human Relations Recruiter said they had gotten the same exact score on the test. However, one friend was singled out and given the job over the other. The friend that did not get hired asked, "If we both got the same score on the test, why was my friend hired and not me?" "Because he had a better answer on one question," the recruiter answered. "On question 26 he wrote as his answer ‘I don't know.' For the same question you wrote, me neither."

[314joey]

You never know. :smile:

[Eli]

You never know. :smile:

Lmao


Sent from my Bat Cave

[SBS933]

You never know. :smile: Funny, but true Hahahaha

[ChumpChange]

A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender, confused, tells the duck no. The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Got any grapes?"

Again, the bartender tells him, "No -- the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes and, furthermore, will never serve grapes." The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender yells, "Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!"

The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, "Got any nails?"

Confused, the bartender says no.

"Good!" says the duck. "Got any grapes?"

[SBS933]

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and orders 2 shots of Jack. He downs one and pours one in his shirt pocket, the bartender questions him on this, he responds "it's for my mouse and i'll take 2 more shots" this goes on for 5 more shots and the bartender tells the guy he's had enogh of his weird behavior and to get the fuck ouy of his bar. The guy is pretty drunk by now and heads for the door, right before he leaves he tells the bartender to go fuck himself in is a@# just then a drunk mouse pops out of his pocket and says " that goes for you cat too !! "

[ChumpChange]

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe and they proceed to get blitzed. The giraffe drinks so much it passes out on the floor. The man gets up and heads for the door to leave when the bartender yells, "Hey! You can't leave that lyin' there!" The drunk replies, "That's not a lion! It's a giraffe."

[ChumpChange]

A man walks into a bar, and orders a beer. As he sits there, the jar of nuts on the bar tells him what a nice shirt he is wearing. Disturbed by this, he goes to the cigarette vending machine to buy a pack of smokes. As he approaches the machine, it starts screaming and shouting at him. He runs to the bar and explains this to the barman. The barman apologizes and says "The peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order"!

[SBS933]

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe and they proceed to get blitzed. The giraffe drinks so much it passes out on the floor. The man gets up and heads for the door to leave when the bartender yells, "Hey! You can't leave that lyin' there!" The drunk replies, "That's not a lion! It's a giraffe." :lmao I'm taking that one to work, Funny As Hell.

[SBS933]

That's it for me, no more playing UNO with mexicans. They take all the green cards.

[ChumpChange]

One of my all time favorites:

A young guy from Wisconsin moves to Texas and goes to a big 'everything under one roof' department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, 'Do you have any sales experience?'

The kid says 'Yeah. I was a salesman back in Wisconsin '

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. 'You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did.'

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. 'How many customers bought something from you today?

The kid says 'one'.

The boss says 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?'

The kid says '$101,237.65 '.

The boss says '$101, 237.65? What the heck did you sell?'

The kid says, 'First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a Twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition.'

The boss said, 'A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?'

The kid said 'No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'

[The Doctor]

Since today is our 44th Anniversary today, I'll share this one I thought was cute:

A couple was celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary the they invited their three children to celebrate with them. The first came in and said, I had an emergency surgery to perform this afternoon and I didn't have time to get a gift. Parents said "It's OK, we'll all be together."
Next their daughter came in just a tad bit late and said "Sorry but we had a board meeting that lasted forever and I didn't even have time to get you guys a gift." Parents again said it was OK.
The third comes in twenty minutes into dinner and says "I had to take a deposition on a client for a case that starts tomorrow and I couldn't stop off to get you guys a gift." He sits down to the meal with the rest of the family and the father looks over to the wife and says "Should we tell them now?"

She nods and the father says "I'm sorry to tell you all this but your mother and I were actually never married."

The three kids, in unison respond right back with "You mean we are all bastards?"

Dad replies "Yep! And cheap ones at that!"

[HB Vic]

44th anniversary. wow, that's awesome. Congratulations!!

[The Doctor]

A young man was intent on going to Medical School, but was confused by the entrance exam.

The deciding question was,

"Re-arrange the letters P N E S I to spell out an important part of the human body that is more useful when erect."

Those who spelled SPINE became doctors. The rest are in Congress.

[28eliminator]

A young man was intent on going to Medical School, but was confused by the entrance exam.

The deciding question was,

"Re-arrange the letters P N E S I to spell out an important part of the human body that is more useful when erect."

Those who spelled SPINE became doctors. The rest are in Congress.

:LMAOsmiley::applause:

[Stainless]

Good ones Doc. :D
Congratulations on you and your Mrs 44th wedding anniversary! :)


Carbon aka Stainless

[hbchgirl]

Since today is our 44th Anniversary today, I'll share this one I thought was cute:

A couple was celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary the they invited their three children to celebrate with them. The first came in and said, I had an emergency surgery to perform this afternoon and I didn't have time to get a gift. Parents said "It's OK, we'll all be together."
Next their daughter came in just a tad bit late and said "Sorry but we had a board meeting that lasted forever and I didn't even have time to get you guys a gift." Parents again said it was OK.
The third comes in twenty minutes into dinner and says "I had to take a deposition on a client for a case that starts tomorrow and I couldn't stop off to get you guys a gift." He sits down to the meal with the rest of the family and the father looks over to the wife and says "Should we tell them now?"

She nods and the father says "I'm sorry to tell you all this but your mother and I were actually never married."

The three kids, in unison respond right back with "You mean we are all bastards?"

Dad replies "Yep! And cheap ones at that!"


LOL! Happy Anniversary and congratulations on 44 years of marriage to you and your wife!

[hbchgirl]

A young man was intent on going to Medical School, but was confused by the entrance exam.

The deciding question was,

"Re-arrange the letters P N E S I to spell out an important part of the human body that is more useful when erect."

Those who spelled SPINE became doctors. The rest are in Congress.

Another good one! :rotflmao:

[ChumpChange]

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out on a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It’s a beautiful day and love is In the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!" Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie’s lips.

"What are you doing, Pierre?", says the startled Marie.

"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!"

She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower." Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts.

"Pierre! What are you doing?", asks the bewildered Marie.

"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have White wine!"

They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!" Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire.

Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING?"

Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!"

[The Doctor]

I could've sworn that one was going to end with a reference to fish. Pretty funny there Mateo!

[2FORCEFULL]

:stir:????
How many here know that a chicken will kick a rattle snakes ass???

how many know that thats why you gey you some chickens if you have az desert property???

well any way, the story about my little cock,,,,

I went and got me some little chicks, little warm and fuzzy yellow ones... cutest things ever,,,

well, that didn't last long... they started grow'n and grow'n ..

so now I end up with these 4 big fat ass hens, mean as all get out...they chase everything off the property,

even peck at me, and I'm the one thats feed'n them...

well, enough of that shit, I bb-q one of them, got to think'n..... wonder if they are so mean because there isn't
a rooster>???

so, back to the feed store, sure enough, the guy said, you have to have a Cock that gets up early and runs the fat off the hens or they they get Fat and Sassy....

when the cock gets up and starts cro'n thats to wake the hens up to go get him breakfest.... sounds good to me..


so i pick this little cock out and bring him home, think'n he will be like then and get real big...

come to find out I got a little cock....every day i'd play with him, run him around the field, every day i'd measure him..

not getting any bigger, I try'd every thing, even googled how to make your cock grow....:redface::stir:

[Wendi]

That's funny! Sorry you ended up with a small cock.

[Eli]

This is not the story I was looking forward to reading! Yes!! Your cock is too little! :D

There's a subliminal message in this story! But, now it explains why I'm fat and sassy!!! ;)


Sent from my Bat Cave

[HB Vic]

Seriously??

[314joey]

They like ..............:happy:

[2FORCEFULL]

soooo,... any way... I go back to the feed store, the guy says that the cock isn't gonna get any bigger,
but not to worry, it's not the size of the cock that matters,

it's if it gets up every morning...

also he said, to make sure he crows at the crack of dawn,...

well, heres the sad part,.. my little cock get up early, jumps up on the stump,

and before he can even start to crow, the fats hens go to peck'n at his head...

as much as he try's to fight back, it's a loos'n battle for the little cock...


so heres the question, is my Cock to little??is he gonna be hen pecked

[82daytona]

Call me I need to talk to you....not about your cock

[riverrunner1984]

they like ..............:happy:

i like!!!

[Stainless]

The Muslim Brotherhood

This morning, the Muslim Brotherhood warned the United States that if the United States continued meddling in Egypt , Libya , Syria , Afghanistan and other hot spots in the Middle East, they intend to cut off America 's supply of 7-11 and Motel 6 managers.

If this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell, AT&T, and Direct TV customer service reps.

Finally, if all else fails, they have threatened not to send us any more presidents, either.

It's gonna get ugly, people.

[riverrunner1984]

The Muslim Brotherhood

This morning, the Muslim Brotherhood warned the United States that if the United States continued meddling in Egypt , Libya , Syria , Afghanistan and other hot spots in the Middle East, they intend to cut off America 's supply of 7-11 and Motel 6 managers.

If this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell, AT&T, and Direct TV customer service reps.

Finally, if all else fails, they have threatened not to send us any more presidents, either.

It's gonna get ugly, people.

:LMAOsmiley:

[riverrunner1984]

A lady walked into a drugstore and told the pharmacist she needed some cyanide right away. The pharmacist naturally was concerned by such a request and asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”

The lady then explained that she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he said, “I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license. They’ll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not! You cannot have any cyanide!”

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.”

[hbchgirl]

The Muslim Brotherhood

This morning, the Muslim Brotherhood warned the United States that if the United States continued meddling in Egypt , Libya , Syria , Afghanistan and other hot spots in the Middle East, they intend to cut off America 's supply of 7-11 and Motel 6 managers.

If this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell, AT&T, and Direct TV customer service reps.

Finally, if all else fails, they have threatened not to send us any more presidents, either.

It's gonna get ugly, people.

LOL! :LMAOsmiley:

[hbchgirl]

A lady walked into a drugstore and told the pharmacist she needed some cyanide right away. The pharmacist naturally was concerned by such a request and asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”

The lady then explained that she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he said, “I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license. They’ll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not! You cannot have any cyanide!”

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.”

LOL! :LMAOsmiley:

[ChumpChange]

Jeremy was watching his favorite soccer team play on TV. All the while his wife was outside trimming the bushes and cutting the lawn. When the game was finished he got himself up from the couch and went outside to ask his wife what she was making for dinner. As you can imagine she was quite irritated. He actually had the nerve to ask what was for dinner when she was doing all the work and he was doing nothing. She said to her husband, "Jeremy, just imagine I am out of town and you go back inside and figure out dinner yourself." So he went back inside and cooked up a large steak, with a nice baked potato and he sat down to eat. A short while later his wife came inside and said, "Oh I see you made dinner. Where is mine?" "I thought you were out of town," he said.

[riverrunner1984]

A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband.

The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?"

All the women raised their hands.

Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"

Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.

The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband: "I love you, sweetheart."

The women were then told to exchange phones with another person, and to read aloud the text message they received, in response.

Here are some of the replies from the husbands:

1. Who the hell is this?

2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?

3. Yeh, and I love you too. What's up with you??

4. What now? Did you crash the car again?

5. I don't understand what you mean?

6. What the f%ck did you do now?

7. ?!??!!!!!

8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?

9. Am I dreaming?

10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.

11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.

12. Your cousin Tina is coming to stay with us, is'nt she???

[ChumpChange]

A male elf was so paranoid about the size of his willy that he could never work up the courage to have sex. Then one day he fell in love with a elf nurse.

One fine evening, they went back to her place. She put on some soft music and led him into the bedroom. Totally mortified, he told her of his problem.

"Don't worry," She said. "I'm a nurse. I won't laugh."

Blushing the man drops his trousers. "It's OK," she said. "I've seen lots smaller than that."

"Really?" the relieved elf asked.

She nodded. "Yes," she chuckled, "I used to work in the maternity unit."

[hbchgirl]

A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband.

The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?"

All the women raised their hands.

Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"

Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.

The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband: "I love you, sweetheart."

The women were then told to exchange phones with another person, and to read aloud the text message they received, in response.

Here are some of the replies from the husbands:

1. Who the hell is this?

2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?

3. Yeh, and I love you too. What's up with you??

4. What now? Did you crash the car again?

5. I don't understand what you mean?

6. What the f%ck did you do now?

7. ?!??!!!!!

8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?

9. Am I dreaming?

10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.

11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.

12. Your cousin Tina is coming to stay with us, is'nt she???

:LMAOsmiley:

[hbchgirl]

A male elf was so paranoid about the size of his willy that he could never work up the courage to have sex. Then one day he fell in love with a elf nurse.

One fine evening, they went back to her place. She put on some soft music and led him into the bedroom. Totally mortified, he told her of his problem.

"Don't worry," She said. "I'm a nurse. I won't laugh."

Blushing the man drops his trousers. "It's OK," she said. "I've seen lots smaller than that."

"Really?" the relieved elf asked.

She nodded. "Yes," she chuckled, "I used to work in the maternity unit."

:LMAOsmiley: