Joke of the Day!

[riverrunner1984]

Calvin Rickson, an engineer from Texas A&M University,has designed a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling, bouncing up and down, and stops their nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.



After a news conference announcing the invention, a group of men took Mr. Rickson outside and kicked the shit out of him.

[spike morelli]

The other night, when my wife and I went to bed, we started to play around, but, after about twenty minutes of foreplay, neither one of us was very aroused. I looked at her and said "...what's the matter, can't you think of anyone either?..."

[riverrunner1984]

The other night, when my wife and I went to bed, we started to play around, but, after about twenty minutes of foreplay, neither one of us was very aroused. I looked at her and said "...what's the matter, can't you think of anyone either?..."

😱 lol 👍

[riverrunner1984]

A mom is driving her little girl to a friend's house for a play date. "Mommy ," the little girl asks ,"how old are you?"
"Honey , you are not supposed to ask a lady her age", the mother warns .
"It is not polite".
"Ok", the little girl says ."How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says , "these are personal questions and really none of your business."
Undaunted , the little girl asks," why did you and daddy get a divorce?"
"That is enough questions , honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin play.
"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything ." The little girl says to her friend.
"Well," said the friend ,"all you need to do is look at her driver's license.
It is like a report card it has everything on it", later that night ,the little girls says to her mother ," I know how old you are . You are 32". The mother is surprised and asks ,"how did you find that out?"
"I also know that you weigh 140pounds ." The mother is past surprise and shocked now.
"How in heaven 's name did you find that out?"
"And ,"the little girl says triumphantly ,"I know why you and daddy got a divorce".
"Oh really?"The mother asks ." And why's that?"
"Because you got an F in sex".
*Mother fainted*

[HolyMoly]

Two jumper cables walk into a bar. Bar tender says, alright, I'll serve you guys, but you better not start anything.

[314joey]

Is this too much, sorry if it is, but I laughed my azz off when I got it.

[2manymustangs]

Twofer friday:


An older man was sitting on the bus riding along when this young lady gets on and didnt have anywhere to sit. He said "Im an old guy so I need to sit down BUT just sit on my lap, it wont matter if you know what I mean" so the young lady says OK and sits on his lap... After the bus sways from side to side and hits a few bumps down in the construction zone the old man says "miss you had better get up because I'm not as old as I thought I was"...

A soldier gets home from the war and his lovely wife is there to greet him as he walks off the ship. THey had a secret code and proceed to kiss and the soldier says FF, the pretty wife says EF, he says FF, she says EF............. FF, EF, FF, EF and they go back and forth for a few minutes until one of his buddies says to him "I couldnt help but hear all of this FF, EF, FF, EF... What is this all about" and the soldier replies to his friend "she wants to eat first"...

[riverrunner1984]

Last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. As our passion began to heat up she said, "I don't feel like it. I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT?! What was that?!" She said, "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The next day I took off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big department store. I walked around with her as she tried on several very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to go with her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit." We went on to the jewelry counter where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. She was so excited. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet. I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She was nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No baby, I don't feel like it." Her face went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?" I said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." Just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?" Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either... but at least she knows I'm smarter than her.

[djunkie]

Last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. As our passion began to heat up she said, "I don't feel like it. I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT?! What was that?!" She said, "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The next day I took off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big department store. I walked around with her as she tried on several very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to go with her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit." We went on to the jewelry counter where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. She was so excited. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet. I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She was nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No baby, I don't feel like it." Her face went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?" I said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." Just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?" Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either... but at least she knows I'm smarter than her.

Lmao!!!!! That's my life. Lol

[riverrunner1984]

A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties.
One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter.
Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.
"I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.
The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf .
The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought.
When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves.
As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests
his own loaf of raisin bread.
After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder, "Why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?"
Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below.
Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.
Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?"
"No," he stammers, "But it's quiverin' a little."

[CampbellCarl]

I have an uncle (through marriage) that is half Jewish and half Japanese.

December 7th is always difficult as he always tries to attack Pearl Goldstein...

[riverrunner1984]

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in
real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says,
'Kin ya swallar?'


The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

[riverrunner1984]

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While en route home he asks the cab driver if he would be a witness.
The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cab driver agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cab driver tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!

The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.
HE paid for the Corvette I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your season Pittsburgh Steelers tickets.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!'

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cab driver and says, 'What would you do?'

The cab driver replies, 'I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches cold.'

[sangermike]

how do you make holy water? boil the hell out of it

[riverrunner1984]

A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while.
What happened ? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook?
What happened to your hand?"

The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them pooped in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird poop!"

"It was my first day with the hook."

[riverrunner1984]

I've disconnected my home alarm system and de-registered from the Neighborhood Watch.

I've got two Pakistani flags raised in the front yard, one at each corner, and the black flag of ISIS in the center.


The local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching the house 24/7.

I've never felt safer and I’m saving $49.95 a month.

[HB Vic]

Hahaha good one

[riverrunner1984]

On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction. The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man.

The old Indian gave him a potion and, with a grip on his shoulder, warned ‘This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say: ‘1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life,
and you can perform for as long as you want.” The man thanked the old Indian, and as he walked away, he turned and asked: “How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say ‘1-2-3-4,' he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon.”

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.

When she came in, he took off his clothes and said: "1-2-3!” Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and asked: "What was the 1-2-3 for?”

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.


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[riverrunner1984]

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'

So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'

The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'

The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million bucks would buy?'

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars.

But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a queer.'


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[Undersoul02]

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'

So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'

The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'

The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million bucks would buy?'

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars.

But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a queer.'


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:thumb:

[Undersoul02]

What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?







If we don't get some support around here soon, people are going to think we're nuts!!!

[riverrunner1984]

What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?







If we don't get some support around here soon, people are going to think we're nuts!!!


:LMAOsmiley:

[riverrunner1984]

When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, "I put a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it."
In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. On the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her
and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In it were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there was such a box and with those contents.
That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner. After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she
confessed, saying, I'm so sorry, Bill. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed.
However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?
Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again. Hillary was shocked, but said, "Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I'm disappointed and saddened by your behavior; however, since you are addicted to sex I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem." Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace.
A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?" He answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center."


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[CarolynandBob]

:hilarious::hilarious::hilarious::hilarious::hilar ious:

[riverrunner1984]

At the risk of stereotyping...

Bruce Jenner had never had an automobile accident until he became a
woman driver.


I'm just sayin'


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[HB Vic]

At the risk of stereotyping...

Bruce Jenner had never had an automobile accident until he became a
woman driver.


I'm just sayin'


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Lol ...


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[getreal]

It takes a lot of "balls" to have that operation.

[Undersoul02]

It takes a lot of "balls" to have that operation.

:nutswinger::hilarious:

[riverrunner1984]

WISDOM OF AN OLDER MAN !
An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.
''Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?''
The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, ''Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?''
''I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, she seems to appear out of nowhere.''

[riverrunner1984]

A billionaire was having a party at his house, and in his back yard he had a huge pool with great white sharks in it.
He announced to everyone at the party that whoever could swim across the pool without getting attacked could either have all his money, his wife, or his house.
So when everyone got back to talking all of a sudden a guy is in the pool swimming as fast as he can and when he gets to the other side and jumps out.
The billionaire goes, "Holy shit, I didn’t think anyone was going to do it, but anyway, you want the money right?" and the guy says, "No."
So the billionaire says, "Oh, you want my house?” The guy says, “No.” The billionaire says," What, you want my wife, then?"
The guy responds, "Hell no.”
So the billionaire asked, "Well what the fuck do you want?"
The guy's still trying to catch his breath says, ”I want the motherf*cker who pushed me in the pool.”

[Eli]

A billionaire was having a party at his house, and in his back yard he had a huge pool with great white sharks in it.
He announced to everyone at the party that whoever could swim across the pool without getting attacked could either have all his money, his wife, or his house.
So when everyone got back to talking all of a sudden a guy is in the pool swimming as fast as he can and when he gets to the other side and jumps out.
The billionaire goes, "Holy shit, I didn’t think anyone was going to do it, but anyway, you want the money right?" and the guy says, "No."
So the billionaire says, "Oh, you want my house?” The guy says, “No.” The billionaire says," What, you want my wife, then?"
The guy responds, "Hell no.”
So the billionaire asked, "Well what the fuck do you want?"
The guy's still trying to catch his breath says, ”I want the motherf*cker who pushed me in the pool.”

Haha! Good one.


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Go Brady!! [emoji8][emoji8][emoji176][emoji176]

[riverrunner1984]

Barbie


One day a father, on his way home from work suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He stops at a toy store and goes in and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?'

The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir?
We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95,
Shopping Barbie for $19.95,
Beach Barbie for $19.95,
Disco Barbie for $19.95,
Astronaut Barbie for $19.95,
Skater Barbie for $19.95,
and
Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.

The amazed father asks: 'It's what?
Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'

The slightly miffed salesgirl rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers:

'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with:
Ken's Truck,
Ken's House,
Ken's Fishing Boat,
Ken's Furniture,
Ken’s Dog,
Ken's Computer,
one of Ken's Friends,
and a key chain made from Ken's testicles.'












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[HB Vic]

Bahahahaha no shit


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[riverrunner1984]

60758


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[riverrunner1984]

Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.

Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'. It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.

Rumor has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month, and can be a real bitch to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.

New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age. Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.

This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace it each year....



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[The Doctor]

An old miser, due to his terrible cheapness, had no friends nor family. Just before he died he called his doctor, his lawyer and a minister to come see him. They complied, and gathered together around his bed.
"I always heard you can't take it with you, but I am going to prove you can," he said. "I have $90,000 cash hidden underneath my mattress. It's in 3 envelopes of $30,000 each. I want each one of you to grab one envelope now and just before they throw the dirt on my grave, you throw the envelopes in."

Weeks later, the three attended the funeral, and true to their word, each threw in their envelope into the grave. On the way back from the cemetery, the minister said, "I don't feel so good about this, I am going to confess, I desperately needed $10,000 for a new church we are building, so I took out $10,000 and threw only $20,000 in the grave."
The doctor said, "I, too, must confess. I am building a clinic and took $20,000 and threw in only $10,000." He looked ashamed.
The lawyer said, "Gentlemen, I'm surprised, shocked and ashamed of both of you. I don't see how you could in good conscience hold on to that money. I threw in a personal check for the entire amount."

[riverrunner1984]

An old miser, due to his terrible cheapness, had no friends nor family. Just before he died he called his doctor, his lawyer and a minister to come see him. They complied, and gathered together around his bed.
"I always heard you can't take it with you, but I am going to prove you can," he said. "I have $90,000 cash hidden underneath my mattress. It's in 3 envelopes of $30,000 each. I want each one of you to grab one envelope now and just before they throw the dirt on my grave, you throw the envelopes in."

Weeks later, the three attended the funeral, and true to their word, each threw in their envelope into the grave. On the way back from the cemetery, the minister said, "I don't feel so good about this, I am going to confess, I desperately needed $10,000 for a new church we are building, so I took out $10,000 and threw only $20,000 in the grave."
The doctor said, "I, too, must confess. I am building a clinic and took $20,000 and threw in only $10,000." He looked ashamed.
The lawyer said, "Gentlemen, I'm surprised, shocked and ashamed of both of you. I don't see how you could in good conscience hold on to that money. I threw in a personal check for the entire amount."

Took me a second but I finally got it lol Good one!

[spike morelli]

The small town that I'm from, has had the same population number for years and years. Every time some woman has a baby, some man leaves town.

[spike morelli]

Recently, a large 4 foot by 4 foot hole has mysteriously appeared in the outer bedroom wall of the attractive young woman who lives next door. No one knows how it got there, but I'm looking into it............

[ChumpChange]

Recently, a large 4 foot by 4 foot hole has mysteriously appeared in the outer bedroom wall of the attractive young woman who lives next door. No one knows how it got there, but I'm looking into it............

lol...

[The Doctor]

An Israeli doctor says: "In Israel, medicine is so advanced that we can cut off a man's testicles, put them on another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for work.
The German doctor says: "That' nothing. In Germany, we take part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."
The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we take half a heart from a one man, put it in another man's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."
The American doctor laughs: "You are ALL behind us in America, Seven years ago, we took a Muslim with NO brains, NO heart and NO balls and made him President.
Now, the whole country is looking for work!"

[riverrunner1984]

An Israeli doctor says: "In Israel, medicine is so advanced that we can cut off a man's testicles, put them on another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for work.
The German doctor says: "That' nothing. In Germany, we take part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."
The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we take half a heart from a one man, put it in another man's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."
The American doctor laughs: "You are ALL behind us in America, Seven years ago, we took a Muslim with NO brains, NO heart and NO balls and made him President.
Now, the whole country is looking for work!"

:LMAOsmiley:

[riverrunner1984]

Twisted as fuck but still funny [emoji23][emoji23][emoji23]
http://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20160427/833d9b6a697295e9b905abf925f67604.jpg


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[The Doctor]

Complete vs. Finished

No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between these two words. In a recent linguistic competition held in London and attended by, supposedly, the best in the world, Samdar Balgobin, a Guyanese man, was the clear winner with a standing ovation which lasted over 5 minutes.

The final question was: How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand? Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.

Here is his astute answer:
When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED.
And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!!!

He won a trip around the world and a case of 25 year old Scotch!

[The Doctor]

Obama the Saint>>> :-)
Last Saturday afternoon, in Washington, DC an aide to President Barack Obama visited the Cardinal of the Catholic cathedral in Washington. He told the Cardinal that President Barack Obama would be attending the next mass, and he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Obama to the congregation and say a few words that would include calling Obama a saint.
The Cardinal replied, "No. I don't really like the man, and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain of Obama's views. Obama's aide then said, "Look, I'll write a check here and now for a donation of $10,000 to your church if you'll just tell the congregation you see Obama as a saint." The Cardinal thought about it and said, "Well, the church can use the money, so I'll work your request into tomorrow's sermon."
As Obama's aide promised, Obama appeared for the Sunday worship and seated himself prominently at the forward left side of the center aisle. As promised, at the start of his sermon, the Cardinal pointed out that Obama was present. The Cardinal went on to explain to the congregation, "While President Obama’s presence is probably an honor to some, the man is not numbered among my personal favorite personages. Some of his views are contrary to tenets of the Church, and he tends to flip-flop on many other issues. Barack Obama is a petty, self-absorbed hypocrite, a thumb sucker and a nit-wit. Barack Obama is also a serial liar, a cheat, and a thief. I must say, Barack Obama is the worst example of a Christian I have ever personally witnessed. He is a narcissist and is using his speaking ability to lie to the American people. He also has a reputation for shirking his obligations, both In Washington and in Illinois. The man is simply not to be trusted."
The Cardinal concluded, "But, when compared with Hillary Clinton, Obama is a Saint."

[riverrunner1984]

:LMAOsmiley::LMAOsmiley::LMAOsmiley:
I seriously LMAO

Mark decided to propose to Juanita, but prior to her acceptance, Juanita had
to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Mark that she
suffered a disease that left her breasts the maturity of a 12 year old. He
stated that it was ok because he loved her soooo much.
However, Mark felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he
also had a deformity too. Mark looked Juanita in the eyes and said...."I too
have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could
deal with that once we are married."
She said "Yes I would marry you and learn to live with your infant size penis."
Juanita and Mark got married and they could not wait for the Honeymoon. Mark
whisked Juanita off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing,
holding one another... As Juanita put her hands in Mark's pants she began to
scream and run out of the room.
Mark ran after her to find out what was wrong.
She stated to Mark, "You told me your penis was the size of an infant!"
Mark said, "Yes, it is... 8 lbs., 7 oz., 19 inches long!!"

[ChumpChange]

Hahahahahaha. Will be passing that one on!

[JohnnyRotten]

With a very seductive voice a young wife asked her husband,
"Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No" said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons of her blouse and
slowly reached down into her ample cleavage and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.
She then asked, "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No I haven't," he said with an anxious tone in his voice.
She gave him another sexy little smile, unzipped her skirt, letting it drop to the floor and seductively reached into her panties and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

"Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 70,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No way" he said, becoming even more aroused and excited to which she replied:

"Go look in the garage."

[riverrunner1984]

My cousin has 2 tickets for the 2017 SUPER BOWL, both box seats. He paid $1,500 for each ticket, but he didn't realize last year when he bought them that it was going to be the same day as his wedding.
If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place...It's at the First Baptist Church, in Gettysburg at 3pm. Her name is Judy, she is 5'1, about 110 lbs, she's a good cook too...She'll be the one in the white dress.

[spike morelli]

Twisted as fuck but still funny [emoji23][emoji23][emoji23]
http://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20160427/833d9b6a697295e9b905abf925f67604.jpg


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk There's a joke similar, that ends with "...yeah, yer brother wanted to go too...", equally as sick and twisted, but I remembering laughing awfully hard when I heard it.

[riverrunner1984]

How do you pick up a Jewish girl in Germany?.... broom and dustpan haha....


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[riverrunner1984]

If you are easily offended don't read this one............................................... .................................................. ......What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat??? The wheelchair [emoji23][emoji23][emoji23]


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[admin]

lol ....

[ChumpChange]

Came back with a vengeance!

[The Doctor]

You're in a room with a poisonous snake, an angry bear, and a lawyer. You have a gun but only have two bullets. What do you do??


Shoot the lawyer....twice.

[Mrs.K034]

You're in a room with a poisonous snake, an angry bear, and a lawyer. You have a gun but only have two bullets. What do you do??


Shoot the lawyer....twice.

[emoji23][emoji23][emoji23]


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[The Doctor]

A fleeing Taliban terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a very frail little old Jewish man standing at a small makeshift display rack - selling ties.
The Taliban terrorist asked, "Do you have water?
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."
The Taliban shouted hysterically, "Idiot Infidel! I do not need such an over-priced western adornment - I spit on your ties. I need water!”
"Sorry, I have none - just ties - pure silk - and only $5."
"Pahh! A curse on your ties, I should wrap one around your scrawny little neck and choke the life out of you, but I must conserve my energy and find water!"
"Okay," said the little old Jewish man, “It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me or that you hate me, threaten my life and call me infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a restaurant. It has the finest food and all the ice-cold water you need...Go In Peace!
Cursing him again, the desperate Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later, he crawled back, almost dead and gasped, "They won't let me in without a tie!”

[rschap1]

:)
:)
:)

[cdnoutlaw]

That one was great
Doc [emoji2]


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[ChumpChange]

My favorite right now:

Q: Why'd the chicken cross the road?

A: To get to the idiot's house.

Q: Knock knock.

?: Who's there?

A: The Chicken!

[The Doctor]

A Fishing Story
The king wanted to go fishing. He called on the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours.
The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days, So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey.
Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace! In just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area."
The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. And besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him."
So the king continued on his way. However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.
Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the professional. Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.
The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."
So the king hired the donkey.
And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions. The practice is unbroken to this day and the democrat symbol was born.

[The Doctor]

A Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day of touring Mexico.
While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'
The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'
The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'
The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

[The Doctor]

A young Arab boy asks his father, "What is that weird hat you are wearing?"
The father said, "Why, it's a 'chechia' because in the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun."
"And what is this type of clothing that you are wearing?" asked the young man.
"It's a 'djbellah' because in the desert it is very hot and it protects the body," said the father.
The son asked, "And what about those ugly shoes on your feet?"
His father replied, "These are 'babouches' which keep us from burning our feet from hot sand in the desert."
"So tell me then," added the boy.
"Yes, my son?"
"Why are you living in Dearborn Michigan and still wearing all this crap?

[Mrs.K034]

A young Arab boy asks his father, "What is that weird hat you are wearing?"
The father said, "Why, it's a 'chechia' because in the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun."
"And what is this type of clothing that you are wearing?" asked the young man.
"It's a 'djbellah' because in the desert it is very hot and it protects the body," said the father.
The son asked, "And what about those ugly shoes on your feet?"
His father replied, "These are 'babouches' which keep us from burning our feet from hot sand in the desert."
"So tell me then," added the boy.
"Yes, my son?"
"Why are you living in Dearborn Michigan and still wearing all this crap?

[emoji23][emoji23][emoji23]


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[2manymustangs]

A young Arab boy asks his father, "What is that weird hat you are wearing?"
The father said, "Why, it's a 'chechia' because in the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun."
"And what is this type of clothing that you are wearing?" asked the young man.
"It's a 'djbellah' because in the desert it is very hot and it protects the body," said the father.
The son asked, "And what about those ugly shoes on your feet?"
His father replied, "These are 'babouches' which keep us from burning our feet from hot sand in the desert."
"So tell me then," added the boy.
"Yes, my son?"
"Why are you living in Dearborn Michigan and still wearing all this crap?

:yourock:

[The Doctor]

While golfing down in Florida this past January, I had a small accident on the course. I took a quick turn to avoid hit-ting a chuck hole, and accidentally overturned my golf cart.
A very beautiful and attractive golfer, who lived right there on the edge of the golf course, heard the noise, came running out of her villa and shouted, "Are you okay?"
As I looked up I noticed she was wearing only a silky see through bath robe which was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a VERY nice figure.
"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself out from under the twisted cart.
She said, " Please follow me to my villa so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head, then you can rest a while, and I'll help you upright the cart later.”
"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!
"Oh, come on now," she insisted. " We need to see if you have any more scrapes and treat them".
Well, after all, she was really pretty, and very, very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I finally agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We walked to her place just a 100 yards away, and after a couple of Scotch and waters and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset, so I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, letting her robe fall even more open. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything, and by the way, where is she?"
I replied, "Still under the cart, I guess."

[The Doctor]

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple are involved in a fatal car accident.
The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,'" and he left.
The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting.
While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if their marriage didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven?
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!," St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

[2manymustangs]

While golfing down in Florida this past January, I had a small accident on the course. I took a quick turn to avoid hit-ting a chuck hole, and accidentally overturned my golf cart.
A very beautiful and attractive golfer, who lived right there on the edge of the golf course, heard the noise, came running out of her villa and shouted, "Are you okay?"
As I looked up I noticed she was wearing only a silky see through bath robe which was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a VERY nice figure.
"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself out from under the twisted cart.
She said, " Please follow me to my villa so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head, then you can rest a while, and I'll help you upright the cart later.”
"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!
"Oh, come on now," she insisted. " We need to see if you have any more scrapes and treat them".
Well, after all, she was really pretty, and very, very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I finally agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We walked to her place just a 100 yards away, and after a couple of Scotch and waters and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset, so I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, letting her robe fall even more open. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything, and by the way, where is she?"
I replied, "Still under the cart, I guess."

ahahahhaahahah :D

[Mrs.K034]

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple are involved in a fatal car accident.
The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,'" and he left.
The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting.
While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if their marriage didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven?
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!," St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

[emoji23][emoji23][emoji23]omg too funny!


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[The Doctor]

Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf.
So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass for him that day.
As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away.
This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!
At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"
The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."
Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole.
IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!
St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"
The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"

[The Doctor]

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass ?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed
you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are
over there eating grass under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the second poor man he stated, "You may come with
us, also."
The other man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I
also have a wife and six children with me!"
"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a
car as large as the limousine.
Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer
and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all
of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my
place. The grass is almost a foot high."

[The Doctor]

Larry and Bob, two old Vietnam vets, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Larry didn't show up. Bob didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Larry hadn't shown up for a week or so, Bob really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Bob didn't know where Larry lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month passed, and Bob figured he had seen the last of Larry, but one day, Bob approached the park and -- lo and behold -- there sat Larry! Bob was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, "For crying out loud Larry, what in the world happened to you?"
Larry replied, "I've been in jail."
"Jail!" cried Bob, "what in the world for?"
"Well," Larry said, "you know Jane, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?"
"Yeah," said Bob, "I remember her. What about her?"
Larry said, "Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I plead 'guilty'."
"The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury."

[The Doctor]

Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.”
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, “OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?”
“Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.”
So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, “Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch! ”
Although impressed, Bubba’s boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba’s knowing Cruise was just lucky.
“No, no, just name anyone else,” Bubba says.
“President Clinton,” his boss quickly retorts.
“Yes,” Bubba says, “I know him, let’s fly out to Washington.”
And off they go.
At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, “Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a cup of coffee first and catch up.”
Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.
“The Pope,” his boss replies. “Sure!” says Bubba.
“My folks are from Poland, and I’ve known the Pope a long time.”
So off they fly to Rome.
Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, “This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope.”
And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony.
But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss’ side, Bubba asks him, “What happened?” His boss looks up and says, “I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, “Who’s that on the balcony with Bubba?”

[rschap1]

:)
:)
:)

[The Doctor]

A couple has been married for 60 years. And to stay together for that long you have to be completely honest with your partner. So the husband and wife were very open, shared everything and didn’t have any secrets from each other. Well, almost… The wife kept a shoe box in the closet, which she had asked her husband not to open or even ask about.

And the man never thought about the box in 60 years, until the day his wife got very sick. The doctor said she wouldn’t make it. While trying to sort out their affairs, the husband took the shoe box to his wife’s bedside and she agreed it was time for him to see what was inside. The man’s eyes widened as he discovered $95000 and two crocheted dolls in the box.
“When we were to be married,” the old lady explained, “my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.”

The husband was deeply touched, two dolls meant she was angry with him only twice in 60 years!
“Honey,” he said after overcoming the emotions “that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?”

“Oh, that?” the wife said. “That’s the money I made from selling the dolls.”

[The Doctor]

Years ago, a young Navy Pilot was injured while ejecting from his A-4
Skyhawk due to engine failure during a cat shot from the carrier, but due
to the heroics of rescue helicopter crew and the ship's hospital staff, the
only permanent injury was the loss of one ear. Since he wasn't physically
impaired, he remained on flight status and eventually became an Admiral.
However, during his career he was always sensitive about his
appearance.
One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a
Marine Sergeant Major for his personal staff. The first Master Chief was a
Surface Navy type and it was a great interview. At the end of the
interview the Admiral asked him, "Do you notice anything different about
me?" The Master Chief answered, "Why, yes, Admiral. I couldn't help but
notice that you are missing your starboard ear, so I don't know whether
this impacts your hearing on that side."
The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his
office.
The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same
question, answered, "Well yes, Sir, you seem to be short one ear." The
Admiral threw him out as well.
The third interview was with the Marine Sergeant Major. He was
articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two
Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead
with the same question. "Do you notice anything different about me?"
To his surprise, the Sergeant Major said, "Yes Sir. You wear contact lenses."
The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly
tactful Marine. "And how would you know that?" the Admiral asked.
The Sergeant Major replied: "Well, sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with
only one f***kin' ear.

[2manymustangs]

Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.”
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, “OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?”
“Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.”
So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, “Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch! ”
Although impressed, Bubba’s boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba’s knowing Cruise was just lucky.
“No, no, just name anyone else,” Bubba says.
“President Clinton,” his boss quickly retorts.
“Yes,” Bubba says, “I know him, let’s fly out to Washington.”
And off they go.
At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, “Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a cup of coffee first and catch up.”
Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.
“The Pope,” his boss replies. “Sure!” says Bubba.
“My folks are from Poland, and I’ve known the Pope a long time.”
So off they fly to Rome.
Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, “This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope.”
And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony.
But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss’ side, Bubba asks him, “What happened?” His boss looks up and says, “I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, “Who’s that on the balcony with Bubba?”

Im quitting after the first three Doc... Very nice... :) Especially the grass eaters... ;)

[The Doctor]

PUT YOUR AFFAIRS IN ORDER !
The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've got some bad news. You have terminal cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.' The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.
'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have terminal cancer.
So, let's head to the club and have a few glasses of champagne.
After 3 or 4 champagnes, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more champagnes.
They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were
curious as to what the two were celebrating? The woman told her friends they were
drinking to her impending end, 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'
The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.
After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Mum, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?'
'Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'
And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs In Order.'

[HB Vic]

Hahaha


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[2manymustangs]

:o ...

[270]

Not a joke but damn funny if you haven't seen it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uj0mtxXEGE8

[The Doctor]

In case you didn't catch the game.
66141

[2manymustangs]

:t_lowblow:

[ChumpChange]

My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home.

[HB Vic]

My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home.

Usually when someone tells me to have a good day its a bad thing lol