Joke of the Day!

[ChumpChange]

Jim was sitting at the bar having a few drinks after work. A woman walks into the bar and Jim smiles as he thinks he recognizes her. "Why that is my wife," Jim thinks to himself. Jim walks up behind the woman says "hello dear" and gives her a big kiss. Immediately the woman slaps Jim and says, "Who do you think you are? You are so rude." "I am so sorry," Jim says. "I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her." "You are a worthless, no good, drunken bum," the woman says to Jim. "Wow," Jim replies, "and you sound like her too!"

[hbchgirl]

jim was sitting at the bar having a few drinks after work. A woman walks into the bar and jim smiles as he thinks he recognizes her. "why that is my wife," jim thinks to himself. Jim walks up behind the woman says "hello dear" and gives her a big kiss. Immediately the woman slaps jim and says, "who do you think you are? You are so rude." "i am so sorry," jim says. "i thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her." "you are a worthless, no good, drunken bum," the woman says to jim. "wow," jim replies, "and you sound like her too!"

lol! 😂

[314joey]

Funny..............but my name is Jim.

[ChumpChange]

Funny..............but my name is Jim.

Coincidence? Or did it hit home?

[SBS933]

A guy dies and finds himself at the pearly gates with Saint Peter, the guy looks around and asks what are all these clocks for ? Saint Peter tells him, everyone has a clock and when you lie the hand moves. The guy asks who's clock is that, Saint Peter replies that is Mother Theresa's, the hands never moved. He then asked who's is that, well thats Abe Linclons it only moved twice. The man looks some more and asks, wheres Obama's clock ? The Saint replies, Oh Jesus keeps that in his office, he uses it for a ceiling fan.

[Stainless]

A guy dies and finds himself at the pearly gates with Saint Peter, the guy looks around and asks what are all these clocks for ? Saint Peter tells him, everyone has a clock and when you lie the hand moves. The guy asks who's clock is that, Saint Peter replies that is Mother Theresa's, the hands never moved. He then asked who's is that, well thats Abe Linclons it only moved twice. The man looks some more and asks, wheres Obama's clock ? The Saint replies, Oh Jesus keeps that in his office, he uses it for a ceiling fan.:LMAOsmiley:

[ChumpChange]

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were willing to try it out.

Both said they were very much in favor of it..

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.

At this point they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain, and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic, and she was able to leave the hospital within a few hours.

When they got home they found the UPS man dead on the porch.

[Stainless]

Good one Matt! :champagne:

[rschap1]

That should be the start of a political career

[SBS933]

Mateo that one is a Winner. :lmao

[riverrunner1984]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife: “Listen, this guy’s an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.” If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.”
To which his wife responds: “He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!”

[riverrunner1984]

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC. Nothing was moving. Suddenly a man knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down the window and asks, “What’s going on?”
“Terrorists have kidnapped Congress. They’re asking for a $100 million ransom. Otherwise, they’re going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We’re going from car to car collecting donations....”
“How much is everyone giving, on average?” the driver asks.
The man replies, “Roughly a gallon.”

[ChumpChange]

Gonna be sending that one off to a few people!

[Stainless]

a man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife: “listen, this guy’s an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.” if he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.”
to which his wife responds: “he wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!”

:d


ch3no2

[riverrunner1984]

One night a guy comes home late and his wife asks him where he was. His response was, I was out getting a tattoo and she says what tattoo did u get and he says i got a hundred dollar bill. She says where did you get it and he says i got it on my penis and she says what in world did you do that for ?
And his response was ...... so everytime you want to blow a hundred bucks you can come home and do it

[ChumpChange]

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

[Stainless]

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

I don't understand the question, can you rephrase it? :p


CH3NO2

[rschap1]

Stay far FAR away from the 5th subject...

[riverrunner1984]

• Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best sex in town!"

Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back,

points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-e-et!"

Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!"

Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad, you're drunk!"

[314joey]

Got some good one's river, I wish I could remember jokes, maybe if I wouldn't drink on days "ending in Y"

[riverrunner1984]

Got some good one's river, I wish I could remember jokes, maybe if I wouldn't drink on days "ending in Y"

LOL thanks. I get them from email or I likes a FB page that posts alot of them and figured I share them here.
Trust me, I cant remember Chit like that either lol

[ChumpChange]

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.
Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."
Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"
Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps.

[ChumpChange]

I hate it when old people poke me at wedding and say "You're next!" * So I have started doing the same thing at funerals.

[Stainless]

I hate it when old people poke me at wedding and say "You're next!" * So I have started doing the same thing at funerals.

Laugh my fucking ass off, that was good!!


CH3NO2

[ChumpChange]

If I ever go missing I want my picture on a 40 oz. beer can instead of a milk carton, because I want fun people to find me.

[Stainless]

If I ever go missing I want my picture on a 40 oz. beer can instead of a milk carton, because I want fun people to find me.

:p


CH3NO2

[riverrunner1984]

A blond woman goes to the hospital. "What seems to be the problem?" asked the Doctor.

"Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina."

The Doctor had a look, chuckled and said, "Those aren't postage stamps my dear, they're
the stickers off the bananas!"

[Stainless]

A blond woman goes to the hospital. "What seems to be the problem?" asked the Doctor.

"Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina."

The Doctor had a look, chuckled and said, "Those aren't postage stamps my dear, they're
the stickers off the bananas!"

:D
I can't come up with anything crafty for cucumbers.


CH3NO2

[rschap1]

:)
:)
:)

[Eli]

• Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best sex in town!"

Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back,

points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-e-et!"

Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!"

Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad, you're drunk!"

It took me about 8 minutes to stop laughing at this one


Sent from my Bat Cave...

[hbchgirl]

A blond woman goes to the hospital. "What seems to be the problem?" asked the Doctor.

"Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina."

The Doctor had a look, chuckled and said, "Those aren't postage stamps my dear, they're
the stickers off the bananas!"

I literally LOL'd!!! :LMAOsmiley::LMAOsmiley::LMAOsmiley:

[hbchgirl]

• Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best sex in town!"

Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back,

points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-e-et!"

Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!"

Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad, you're drunk!"

LMAO! :LMAOsmiley::LMAOsmiley::LMAOsmiley:

[ChumpChange]

A cop stops a man for running a stop sign and the subject gives the cop a lot of grief explaining that he did stop. After several minutes, the cop explained to the gentleman that he didnt stop, he just slowed down a little. The gentleman said "Stop or slow down, whats the difference?" The cop pulled the guy out of the car and hit him with a nightstick for about a minute and then said, "Would you like for me to stop or just slow down?"

[SBS933]

A cop stops a man for running a stop sign and the subject gives the cop a lot of grief explaining that he did stop. After several minutes, the cop explained to the gentleman that he didnt stop, he just slowed down a little. The gentleman said "Stop or slow down, whats the difference?" The cop pulled the guy out of the car and hit him with a nightstick for about a minute and then said, "Would you like for me to stop or just slow down?" HELL YEAH :LMAOsmiley:

[Stainless]

The Mechanic and the Surgeon

A motorcycle mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the engine of a Harley Davidson when he spotted a well-known surgeon in his shop.
The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come and take alook at his bike.
The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, can I ask you a question?"
The sugeon walked over to the mechanic. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked "So Doc, look at this engine. I open it's heart, take valves out, fix'em, put'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the big bucks when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The surgeon paused, smiled, and said to the mechanic...

"Try it with the engine running."

[314joey]

Advice for older guys


I was working out at the gym when I spotted a sweet young thing walking in....
I asked the trainer standing next to me,
"What machine should I use to impress that lady over there?"

The trainer looked me over and said;

"I would recommend the ATM in the lobby."

[Stainless]

Advice for older guys


I was working out at the gym when I spotted a sweet young thing walking in....
I asked the trainer standing next to me,
"What machine should I use to impress that lady over there?"

The trainer looked me over and said;

"I would recommend the ATM in the lobby."

Good one Joey! :LMAOsmiley:

[ChumpChange]

A boss asked one of his employees, "Do you believe in life after death?"

"Yes, sir," replied the new employee.

"I thought you would," said the boss. "Yesterday after you left to go to your brother's funeral, he stopped by to see you."

[rschap1]

doh ! ! !

[ChumpChange]

Fred and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year. Every year Fred would say, "Edna, Id like to ride in that there airplane." And every year Edna would say, "I know Fred, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred said, "Edna, Im 71 years old. If I dont ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance." Edna replied, "Fred that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, Ill make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars." Fred and Edna agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They land and the pilot turns to Fred, "By golly, I did everything could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't." Fred replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Edna fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars.

[SBS933]

Fred and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year. Every year Fred would say, "Edna, Id like to ride in that there airplane." And every year Edna would say, "I know Fred, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred said, "Edna, Im 71 years old. If I dont ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance." Edna replied, "Fred that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, Ill make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars." Fred and Edna agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They land and the pilot turns to Fred, "By golly, I did everything could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't." Fred replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Edna fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars. Keeper, that ones going to work on MONDAY.

[ChumpChange]

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon “quickie” with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Snickers bar and tell him to report on all the street activities.

Their 8-year old began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

'There's a car being towed from the parking lot,' he shouted.

'An ambulance just drove by!'

'Looks like the Anderson 's have company,' he called out.

'Matt's riding a new bike!'

'Looks like the Sanders are moving!'

'Jason is on his skate board!'

After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having a shag!'

Startled, his mom and dad shot up in bed!

Dad cautiously called out, 'How do you know that?'

'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Snickers bar.'

[ChumpChange]

One day, Little Johnny's grandmother sent him to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner.

As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and ran back to grandma's house as fast as he could.

"Where's my bucket and my water?" She asked.

"I can't get any water from that water hole, there's a mean ol' alligator down there!"

"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for years, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!"

"Well, Grandma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"

[riverrunner1984]

A professor is sent to Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science.
One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"
The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."
The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about that white child.

[Gyxer]

Two brothers go hiking together every weekend. Last weekend the older brother said to the younger brother: "why don't we take different trails this time. At the end of the day we'll meet up and share with each other what we saw." The younger brother agrees and off they go. The older brother follows a ridge line and the younger brother follows a valley.

At the end of the day the meet up. The older brother says "I had a great hike following the mountain ridge, beautiful views and saw a bald eagle. What did you see?" The younger brother says "I followed the valley and came to some railroad tracks and decided to follow them for awhile. After a mile or so I found the the most beautiful girl I've ever seen tied to the tracks. I untied her and we had the best sex I've ever had, it was amazing." The older brother is astonished and can't believe it. He asks "well did she give good head?" The younger brother says "well that's the funny thing about it, I never could find her head."

[Stainless]

two brothers go hiking together every weekend. Last weekend the older brother said to the younger brother: "why don't we take different trails this time. At the end of the day we'll meet up and share with each other what we saw." the younger brother agrees and off they go. The older brother follows a ridge line and the younger brother follows a valley.

At the end of the day the meet up. The older brother says "i had a great hike following the mountain ridge, beautiful views and saw a bald eagle. What did you see?" the younger brother says "i followed the valley and came to some railroad tracks and decided to follow them for awhile. After a mile or so i found the the most beautiful girl i've ever seen tied to the tracks. I untied her and we had the best sex i've ever had, it was amazing." the older brother is astonished and can't believe it. He asks "well did she give good head?" the younger brother says "well that's the funny thing about it, i never could find her head."

:D


ch3no2

[rschap1]

Oh my...

[ChumpChange]

A group of Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says to the girl, “What are you doing?”
She says, “I’m going to commit suicide.”
While he didn't want to appear “sensitive,” he didn't want to miss a ‘be-a-legend’ opportunity either so he asked: “Well, before you jump, why don’t you give me a kiss?”
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that … and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.
After they finished, George gets visual approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and says, “Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had Honey! That’s a real talent you’re wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?”
“My parents don’t like me dressing up like a girl.”
It’s still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed

[riverrunner1984]

Q: What's the speed limit of sex?



A: 68 because at 69 you have to turn around.



Q: Why is a woman's vagina like a warm toilet seat?



A: They both feel good, but you wonder who was there before you.

[riverrunner1984]

A teacher asked, can anyone in class use the word incompletely in a sentence?

Johnny stood up and said,

"When my balls touch my girlfriend’s a$$hole,

I know I am in-completely.

[doubleeagle]

So the wife asked me what I wanted this year for my birthday
I replyed a blow job would be nice
She gave me 50.00 and threw the keys to her Corvette
Told me knock your self out cowboy even you can get lucky in that car

[Stainless]

So the wife asked me what I wanted this year for my birthday
I replyed a blow job would be nice
She gave me 50.00 and threw the keys to her Corvette
Told me knock your self out cowboy even you can get lucky in that car

:D sounds like that could be a true story...

[Gyxer]

A wife comes home from a gynecologist appointment and tells her husband "honey I got some bad news, my doctor said I can't have sex for a momth." Her husband said "don't worry about it baby, it's fine no problem at all.......but what did your dentist say?"

[ChumpChange]

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage. The mans wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should, she was standing on it." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50."And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, its a Ferrari.

[SBS933]

A teacher asked, can anyone in class use the word incompletely in a sentence?

Johnny stood up and said,

"When my balls touch my girlfriend’s a$$hole,

I know I am in-completely. :LMAOsmiley:

[doubleeagle]

:D sounds like that could be a true story...

Yea just the the other day I rolled over in bed patted her on the ass and wispered in her ear
Hey Honey how about a little oral sex. So at the top of her lungs see screams FUCK YOU!!!
Then asked was it as good for you as it was for me
I guess after 40 years somethings get lost in the translation

[ChumpChange]

One morning this blonde calls her friend and says, "Would you mind coming over and helping me out with this killer jigsaw puzzle I bought - I can't figure out how to get started." Her friend asks, "What's the puzzle of?" "From the picture on the box, I'd guess it's a tiger," replied the blonde. The friend obliges, and when he arrives the blonde greets him at the front door and then shows him the puzzle spread out all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then studies the box. Then, he turns to her and says, "Im afraid that no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of the tiger on the box." "Why not?" asks the disappointed blonde." Because, you didn't buy a jigsaw puzzle... what you have here is a box of Frosted Flakes."

[ChumpChange]

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about his employees well being, asks sympathetically, "Whats the matter?" The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away." "I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Why dont you go home for the day. We arent terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest." The blonde very calmly explains, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here." The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. "If you need anything, just let me know," he says. A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. He rushes out to her, and asks, "Are you going to be okay? Is there anything I can do to help?" "No," replies the blonde, "I just got a call from my sister, and she said that HER mom died too!"

[Paul65K]

Last Friday, A hooded robber burst into a bank in New Orleans and, at gunpoint, forced the tellers to load their cash into a plain brown bag.

As the robber approached the door, one brave customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robber's face.
Without a moment's hesitation, the robber shot the customer.

He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him.
The robber instantly shot & killed her also.

Everyone in the bank, by now horrified, stared down at the floor in silence.

The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"

There was a long moment of dead silence in which everyone was terrified to speak.
Then, one old Australian named Bernie cautiously raised his hand and said,

"My wife got a pretty good look at you !!!!."

[ChumpChange]

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter. Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong. Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"

[Stainless]

Last Friday, A hooded robber burst into a bank in New Orleans and, at gunpoint, forced the tellers to load their cash into a plain brown bag.

As the robber approached the door, one brave customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robber's face.
Without a moment's hesitation, the robber shot the customer.

He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him.
The robber instantly shot & killed her also.

Everyone in the bank, by now horrified, stared down at the floor in silence.

The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"

There was a long moment of dead silence in which everyone was terrified to speak.
Then, one old Australian named Bernie cautiously raised his hand and said,

"My wife got a pretty good look at you !!!!."

Fuck, I missed this one Paul, Bravo! :D


CH3NO2

[Stainless]

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter. Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong. Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"

Lmfao, Matt! :D


CH3NO2

[riverrunner1984]

3 Holy Men & A Bear

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion. Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.
'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.
Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'
Reverend Billy Bob the Baptist spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.
In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.
So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!
The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.
The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

[Stainless]

Awh fuck that was funny RR! :applause:

[rschap1]

:)
:)
:)

[WESTERNAERO]

A Boy’s First Condom

I recall my first time with a condom. I was 14. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at a nearby pharmacy. In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item because everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt the young lady (I think her name was Nola) knew what they were for.

She was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.

I honestly answered, 'No, not really.'

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.

I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it were empty. It was. 'Just a minute,' she said, and walked me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?' she asked. I said, 'sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.

Then she beat the shit out of me....

Women have always been hard for me to figure out.

[Stainless]

:rotflmao:

[WESTERNAERO]

This is a story about
A Fly, a Fish, a Bear,
A Hunter, a Mouse and a Cat.
There is a moral to this story......
In the dead of summer a fly was resting among leaves beside a stream.
The hot, dry fly said to no one in particular,

'Gosh...if I go down five inches
I will feel the mist
From the water and I will be refreshed.'

There was a fish in the water thinking,

'Gosh...if that fly goes down five inches, I can eat him.'

There was a bear on the shore thinking,

'Gosh....if that fly goes down five inches

That fish will jump for the fly...

And I will grab the fish!!'

It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank

Of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich....

'Gosh,' he thought, 'if that fly goes down five inches...

And that fish leaps for it...

That bear will expose himself and grab for the fish.

I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch.'

Now, you probably think this is

Enough activity on one river bank,

But I can tell you there's more....

A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking,

'Gosh, if that fly goes down five inches...

And that fish jumps for that fly..

And that bear grabs for that fish..

The dumb hunter will shoot the bear

And drop his cheese sandwich.'

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought,

(as was fashionable to do on the banks of
This particular river around lunch time)

'Gosh...if that fly goes down five inches..
And that fish jumps for that fly
And that bear grabs for that fish
And that hunter shoots that bear..
And that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich ...
Then I can have mouse for lunch.'

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he
heads down for the cooling mist of the water.

The fish swallows the fly...
The bear grabs the fish..
The hunter shoots the bear..
The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich...
The cat jumps for the mouse..
The mouse ducks...

The cat falls into the water and drowns.

NOW, The Moral Of The Story....

Whenever a fly goes down five inches,


Some pussy's gonna be in serious danger.

[rschap1]

:)
:)
:)

[ChumpChange]

Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. "Sid," asked Al, "are there any Jews in China?" "I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?" When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Chinese Jews?" "I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No, Chinese Jews." "Are you sure?" Al asked. "I will check again, sir," the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen. While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere." When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews." "Are you really sure?" Al asked again." I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews." "Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have Orange Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Grape Jews, but we have no Chinese Jews."

[doubleeagle]

A old lady stops by a ice cream shop and orders a scoop of Chocolate
The guy behind the counter tells her I,m sorry we are out of Chocolate
He asks her what she would like instead
She say's I'll have a scoop of chocolate
He again explains to her that they are out of Chocolate
He asks again what she would like instead
She replies I'll have a scoop of Chocolate
Pissed off now the guy replies Lady look up there at all the flavor,s we have
You see the Straw in Straw Berry she say yes I do
He then says do you see the each in Peach she says yes I do
He then says lady look real close can you see the FUCK IN CHOCOLATE
She replies young man there is no Fuck in Chocolate
He says lady that's what I've been trying to explain to you for the last 10 mins.

[Stainless]

A old lady stops by a ice cream shop and orders a scoop of Chocolate
The guy behind the counter tells her I,m sorry we are out of Chocolate
He asks her what she would like instead
She say's I'll have a scoop of chocolate
He again explains to her that they are out of Chocolate
He asks again what she would like instead
She replies I'll have a scoop of Chocolate
Pissed off now the guy replies Lady look up there at all the flavor,s we have
You see the Straw in Straw Berry she say yes I do
He then says do you see the each in Peach she says yes I do
He then says lady look real close can you see the FUCK IN CHOCOLATE
She replies young man there is no Fuck in Chocolate
He says lady that's what I've been trying to explain to you for the last 10 mins.

Must have been a blond old lady? :LMAOsmiley:

[rschap1]

The customer is always right...

[The Doctor]

An elderly man hollered out to his wife:

"Honey, come see this masterpiece I just created - realistically depicting the past five years of our nation's presidency."

His wife answers back:

"Just flush the stupid toilet and come have your breakfast."

[WESTERNAERO]

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.
Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was
washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the
monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough,
there was definite movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him,
'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little '0ral sex' will do the trick &
bring her out of the coma.'

The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they would
close the curtains for privacy.. The husband finally agreed and went into
his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no
heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they
cried.

The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.'

[riverrunner1984]

An elderly man hollered out to his wife:

"Honey, come see this masterpiece I just created - realistically depicting the past five years of our nation's presidency."

His wife answers back:

"Just flush the stupid toilet and come have your breakfast."

LMAO!!! Classic

[ChumpChange]

A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag. "Our flag symbolizes our taxes, the man said. We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them." "That's the same with us, the American said, "only we see stars, too."

[riverrunner1984]

Four married guys went fishing. After an hour or so, the following conversation took place:
First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife I will paint every room in the house next weekend."
Second guy: "That's nothing! I had to promise my wife I'd build her a new deck for the pool."
Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I'll remodel the kitchen for her." They continued to fish, until they realized the fourth guy had not said a word. So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"
Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off the clock, gave my wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or Sex" and she said, "Wear a sweater."

[ChumpChange]

Little Johnny's teacher asks, "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"

Little Johnny replies, "A teacher."

[ChumpChange]

An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.
When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her email address, he did his best to type it in from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

DEAREST WIFE: "JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW. P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE."

[ChumpChange]

You Don't Need to Be a Weatherman... It was two o"clock in the morning and a husband and wife were asleep, when suddenly the phone rang. The husband picked up the phone and said, "Hello? ... How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?" and promptly slammed the phone down. His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?" The husband replies, I don't know. Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear."

[ChumpChange]

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?" The Engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?" The Engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" And the interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

[ChumpChange]

Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive. No further testing is planned.

[struv]

Just sayn!

[Eli]

Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive. No further testing is planned.

I'm not sure I get this joke


Sent from my Bat Cave!!!

[riverrunner1984]

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door.She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.
He asks the lady, 'Do you have a vagina?'
She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman, 'Do you have a vagina?'
She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice 'Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again.'
The next morning they hear a knock and both
run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered
voice, 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where the bastard is going with it.' She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question;
'Do you have a vagina?'
'Yes, actually I do,' she says.
The man replies..
'Good! Would you mind telling your husband
to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?'

[Stainless]

:D


ch3no2

[ChumpChange]

Two men are walking down the street when they see 3 guys across the road beating up an older woman. Fred turns to George and says "Hey, isn't that your mother in law over there?" "So it is." replies George. "Well aren't you going to help?!" Fred asked. "Nah," George replied, "I think 3 should be enough."

[ChumpChange]

An elderly couple were sitting outdoors at a cafe when they noticed an old man who seemed to be having trouble crossing the street with an ungainly shuffle. The man said to his wife "He surely has bad arthritis to walk like that." His wife replied "No, that's definitely old time rheumatism." They couldn't agree so the man decided to ask the old man. He walked over to him and said "Excuse me, sir, but my wife and I saw you having difficulty crossing the street and I told her that you have arthritis but she insisted that you have rheumatism. Which one of us was wrong?" The old man said "The three of us were wrong." "Three of us were wrong? How so?" asked the man to which the old man replied "You were wrong when you said I had arthritis and your wife was wrong when she said I had rheumatism and I was wrong when I thought I had to pass gas."

[rschap1]

:)
:)
:)

[hbchgirl]

An elderly couple were sitting outdoors at a cafe when they noticed an old man who seemed to be having trouble crossing the street with an ungainly shuffle. The man said to his wife "He surely has bad arthritis to walk like that." His wife replied "No, that's definitely old time rheumatism." They couldn't agree so the man decided to ask the old man. He walked over to him and said "Excuse me, sir, but my wife and I saw you having difficulty crossing the street and I told her that you have arthritis but she insisted that you have rheumatism. Which one of us was wrong?" The old man said "The three of us were wrong." "Three of us were wrong? How so?" asked the man to which the old man replied "You were wrong when you said I had arthritis and your wife was wrong when she said I had rheumatism and I was wrong when I thought I had to pass gas."

:LMAOsmiley::LMAOsmiley::LMAOsmiley:...

[Havasu Party Bus]

A young man goes to his mother and father to share the news he has found a nice young lady to marry. After revealing who this woman is the father is angry and disapproves. The mother can not see why the boys father is so against it. A few days later the boy asked his father why he disapproves of the marriage. The father tells his son that the girl is his sister but the boys mother does not know. Feeling that he should tell his mother the boys goes and let's her know what the father has said. The mother laughs and said if you want to marry that girl you go right ahead because your father is not your father but he does not know.:yikes:

[Havasu Party Bus]

A lady walks into a Lexus dealership. She browses around, then spots
the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the
fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has
noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up
right now.
As she turns back, there standing next to her, is a salesman. "Good
day, Madame. How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely
vehicle?"
He answers, "Madame, if you farted just touching it, you are going to
shit when you hear the price."

[ChumpChange]

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move. Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond. Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch. The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!

[ChumpChange]

This farmer had a wife who nagged him all the time. One day while he was outside plowing the field, she came out and started nagging him. While she was doing this, the mule kicked her and she died. At the funeral, the ladies came up and talked to the farmer. The farmer nodded his head "yes". The men came up and talked to him and the farmer nodded his head "no". Well this other man wondered why he nodded his head "yes" to the ladies and "no" to the men. Then, he went up to the farmer and asked him why. The farmer replied, "Well, when the ladies came up, they told me how pretty my wife's dress was and how pretty she looked. When the men came up, they asked, "That mule for sale?"

[SBS933]

A man moved to Montana and bought 40 acres, after 6 mos. he realized he was bored. he then went into town to the local bar and ordered a beer, then a couple more. he then realized there were no women in the bar, so he asked the bartender were all the women were, the bartender responded that there were no women. The gentleman responded and asked, how the hell am I gonna get laid. The bartender told him, go out back like everyone else and grab a sheep. the man said Fuck you, then after a few more beers he said Fuck It. He then went out back and did his thing and then he went back to the bar. When he walked in the bar was silent, he walked up to the bar and asked the bartender WTF I thoght you said everyone does that. The bartender replied, Yea but you shouldn't have grabbed the SHERIFFS GAL.

[Paul65K]

Nancy Pelosi called Harry Reid into her office one day and said, "Harry, I have a plan to win back Middle America in 2014!"

"Great Nancy , but how?" asked Harry.

"We'll get some cheesy clothes and shoes, like most Middle Class Americans wear, then stop at the pound and pick up a Labrador retriever. Then, we'll go to a nice old country bar in Montana and show them how much admiration and respect we have for the hard working people living there."

So they did, and found just the place they were looking for in Bozeman , Montana . With the dog in tow, they walked inside and stepped up to the bar.

The Bartender took a step back and said, "Hey! Aren't you Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi?"

"Yes we are!" said Nancy , "And what a lovely town you have here. We were passing through and Harry suggested we stop and take in some local color."

They ordered a round of bourbon for the whole bar, and started chatting up a storm with anyone who would listen.

A few minutes later, a grizzled old rancher came in, walked up to the Labrador , lifted up its tail, looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked out. A few moments later, in came another old rancher. He walked up to the dog, lifted up its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and left the bar.

For the next hour, another dozen ranchers came in, lifted the dog's tail, and left shaking their heads.

Finally, Nancy asked, "Why did all those old ranchers come in and look under the dog's tail? Is it some sort of custom?"

"Lord no," said the bartender. "Someone's out there running around town, claiming there's a Labrador Retriever in here with two assholes!"



PS........is it political when it's true?? :rtb:

[28eliminator]

Lol.. :D


Sent from somewhere on the water

[SBS933]

Two men were drinking in a bar, the subject changed to which one had the ugliest wife. This argument went on for a couple of beers when one man said, get in my car and come with me. They ended up at the mans house and they went inside, the man proceeded to pull a carpet of a trap door. The man opened the door and yelled, HEY GIRL get up here. The wife replied ,oh let me put a bag on my head, the man replied, I don't wanna fuck you I just wanna show you off.

[ChumpChange]

A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them." The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother - he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?" "Denise," the doctor says. The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!" Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?" The doctor replies, "DeNephew."

[Eli]

A blonde is watching the news with her boyfriend when the newscaster announces that 6 Brazilian men died in a skydiving accident. The blonde starts sobbing uncontrollably. Confused, her boyfriend says, "Baby it is sad, but they were skydiving, there were risks involved". After a few moments, the blonde, still crying, asks, "How many is a Brazilian?"


Sent from my Bat Cave!!!

[rschap1]

:)
:)
:)

[riverrunner1984]

A girl came skipping home from school one day.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl said.
"Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy.
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36 Cs.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"
"No Honey, it's because you're 24."

[SBS933]

What do you call a mexican with a rubber toe ? Roberto

[doubleeagle]

My 6 year old grandson came home with this
Hey Grandpa how do you top a car
Tept on the brake Ttupid

[riverrunner1984]

What do you call a mexican with a rubber toe ? Roberto

Lol

What do you call 2 mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan

[The Doctor]

What do you call a mexican with a rubber toe ? Roberto


Lol

What do you call 2 mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan

In keeping with the theme, what do you call a Mexican quarterback?



El Paso

[ChumpChange]

Four high school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes. After lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire. Much to their relief she smiled and said: "Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper." Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down. Then she said: "First Question (100 points): Which tire was flat?"

[314joey]

One of my friends whose suck up North in the snow told me this one today, "how do you turn your dishwasher into a snow blower, buy her a snow shovel".......................lol

[ChumpChange]

Teacher to a student: "Can you think of a solution to end unemployment?" "Yes, sir! I'd put all the men on one island and the women on another." "And what would they be doing then?" "Building boats!"

[SBS933]

Teacher to a student: "Can you think of a solution to end unemployment?" "Yes, sir! I'd put all the men on one island and the women on another." "And what would they be doing then?" "Building boats!"Nice I'm taking that one to work on Mon.

[Paul65K]

A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant.
They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.
The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman stared straight ahead.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.
Still, the woman stared straight ahead.
The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risqué and that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the woman "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't...
He just walked in the door."

[ChumpChange]

A guy comes in to a bar and orders a double whiskey. He drinks it and looks in his pocket. Then he orders another one, drinks it and looks in his pocket again. This is repeated a dozen times before the bartender asks him what he is doing. He replies, "In my pocket I have a picture of my wife. When she gets good looking, I quit drinking..."

[Eli]

A guy comes in to a bar and orders a double whiskey. He drinks it and looks in his pocket. Then he orders another one, drinks it and looks in his pocket again. This is repeated a dozen times before the bartender asks him what he is doing. He replies, "In my pocket I have a picture of my wife. When she gets good looking, I quit drinking..."

Lmao! Good one!


Sent from my Bat Cave

[riverrunner1984]

A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter. One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter". The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can’t type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy said. A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now." The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."

[Stainless]

:LMAOsmiley:

[SBS933]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said "Here's to spending the rest of my life, between the legs of my wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night. He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast ?" John said "Here's to spending the rest of my life, sitting in church with my wife" The next day Mary ran into one of Johns drinking buddies, the man chuckled and said John won the top toast of the of the night yesterday with a toast about you. She said "aye he told me and I was a bit suprised, you know he's only been there twice in the last 4 years." Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep.

[ChumpChange]

Bill, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper. After a long day of meetings they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room. Bill said to Jim and Scott, let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, and Jim can sing songs for 25 flights, and Scott can tell sad stories the rest of the way. At the 26th floor Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories. "I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!"

[riverrunner1984]

What's the difference of being hungry and being horny?






What salad you toss!

[Eli]

What's the difference of being hungry and being horny?






What salad you toss!

If you hide the pickle or eat the pickle!


Sent from my Bat Cave

[riverrunner1984]

If you hide the pickle or eat the pickle!


Sent from my Bat Cave

Lol....what you do with the cucumber!

[SBS933]

WoW, That's a joke I can take to work !!!

[Stainless]

A husband and wife are having sex when their 5 yo son walked in. The kid asked what are you doing? His father quickly proclaimed "playing rodeo with your mother". The boy asked if he could play too, his father not wanting to stop said OK, climb on my back. They're romping along when the wife starts having an orgasm, she begins to wail and her eyes roll back, the kid yells hold on tight dad, this is were she bucked me and the mailman off this morning.


Bench race driver of the NHRA 16X Castrol GTX Mustang

[ChumpChange]

Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. Going to a singles bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away. "I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars." The woman went home with Charles, and the next day she became his stepmother.

[riverrunner1984]

After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep with a hot 23-year-old girl every night.

Now, I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 69-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

[ChumpChange]

Before going to Europe on business, a man drives his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and asks for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer, taken aback, requests collateral. "Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce," the man says. The loan officer promptly has the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping and gives the man the $5,000. Two weeks later, the man walks through the bank's doors and asks to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest," the loan officer says. The man writes out a check and starts to walk away. "Wait, sir," the loan officer says. "You are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?" The man smiles, "Where else could I find a safer place to park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"

[SBS933]

Nice One

[riverrunner1984]

A couple were Christmas shopping. The shopping centre was packed , and as the wife walked through one of the malls she was surprised when she looked around to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do and hence, she became so worried that she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.
In a quiet voice he said, "Do you remember the jewellers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"
The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I do remember that shop."
He replied, "Well, I'm in the pub next door."

[riverrunner1984]

Wishing to prove to his wife that he loved her for more than sex, the young man bought her a lovely bouquet of roses. Despite his good intentions, however, the devoted husband received a suspicious look when he handed her the flowers. "I suppose," she said, "that now you expect me to spend the weekend on my back with my legs spread." "Why?" said the young man. "Don't we have a vase?"

[ChumpChange]

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go." The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!" "Have a nice weeken d," said the officer.

[SBS933]

Hell Yeah !!! A guy gets pulled over by a cop, the cop asks him where in the hell are you going that you had to drive that fast ? The man tells him he's going to work. The cop asks, what the hell do you do that's so important. the man tells him he's an Asshole Stretcher, the cop says what the hell does an Asshole Stretcher do ? the man tells him, well I insert 2 fingers then 2 more and I stretch it till it's six foot wide. The cop then asks, what the hell do you do with a 6 foot Asshole ? The man tells him, I put a Gun and a Badge on it.

[ChumpChange]

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again." To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will five times!"

[ChumpChange]

There was a little old lady who was nearly blind. She had three sons and they wanted to prove which one was the best son to her. So son #1 bought her a 15-room mansion thinking this would surely be the best any of them could offer her. Son #2 bought her a beautiful Mercedes with a chauffeur included thinking he would surely win her approval. Son #3 had to do something even better than these so he bought her a trained parrot. This parrot had been trained for 15 years to memorize the entire Bible. You could mention any verse in the Bible and the parrot could quote it word for word. How useful his nearly blind mother would find that! Well, the old lady went to the first son and said, "Son, the house is just gorgeous but it's really much too big for me. I only live in one room, and it's much too large for me to clean and take care of. I really don't need the house, but thank you anyway." Then she explained to her sec ond son, "Son, the car is beautiful, it has everything you could ever want on it, but I don't drive and I really don't like that driver, so please return the car." Next, she went to son number three and said, "Son, I just want to thank you for that thoughtful gift. The chicken was small, but delicious."

[riverrunner1984]

On his Birthday, Peter was really upset because none of his family members or near and dear ones wished him. As he walked into his office, his secretary Anna said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!" He felt a bit better knowing that at least someone remembered. In the lunch time Anna knocked on his door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your Birthday, why don't we go out for lunch, just you and me." Peter happily agreed They had their lunch but on the way back to the office, Anna said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day... We don't have to go right back to the office, do we?" Peter replied "I suppose not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's go to my apartment, it's just around the corner." After arriving at her apartment, Anna said, "Boss if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back." "Ok." He nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes; she came out carrying a huge birthday cake... Followed by his wife, his kids, and dozens of his friends, and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday". And Peter just sat there... On the couch... Naked...

[SBS933]

A very religious woman buys a parrot from the local pet store, after taking him home she asks him. Polly want a cracker ? the parrot replies " EAT SHIT " The woman is so mad she puts him in the freezer for 10 min. She then takes him out and asks him if he learned his lesson. The parrot replies with " EAT SHIT " The woman throws him back in the freezer, and after 30 Mins. he looks down and see's a frozen turkey. He tells the turkey Holy Shit man you must have said FUCK.

[The Doctor]

Sum ting wong!!!

30024

[SBS933]

Som Wong Gon Die !!!

[SBS933]

A gay man comes home from work, and his boyfriend is naked and bent over. He tells his boyfriend they are gonna play a game, he is going to see how far he can shove his hand up his ass. the guy says OK, he then puts all his fingers in. His boyfriend says " DEEPER " he then sticks his hand all the way in. The response is " DEEPER " he then sticks his whole arm in, and feels something. He pulls his arm out and it's a Rolex, his boyfriend still bent over turns around and says " HAPPY BIRTHDAY "

[ChumpChange]

FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed, got married last month. Wife knows everything.

[rocket98]

A while back, I picked up a lovely date at her parent's home.

I'd scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant.

She ordered the most expensive items on the menu . . . Patron tequila,
Shrimp cocktail, foie gras. Lobster, Dom Perignon champagne.

I asked her, "Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?"

"No," she replied, "but my mother's not expecting a blow job tonight."

I said, "Would you care for dessert ?"

[SBS933]

A couple of 80 year olds met one day, and decided to go out on a date. Then after a night of dining and dancing, they decided to go back to her house for sex. After the woman undressed and layed down on the bed, she tells the guy I have to warn you I have ACUTE ANGINA. the guy remarks, I hope so cause your Tits look like shit.

[riverrunner1984]

:LMAOsmiley:

[riverrunner1984]

Hello? Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is mommy near the phone? No, daddy. Shes upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul. After a brief pause, daddy say but honey you don't have an Uncle Paul. Oh yes I do, & he's upstairs in the room with mommy right now. Brief pause. Uh ok then I want you to put the phone down & run upstairs & knock on the door & shout to mommy that daddy's car just pulled up. Ok daddy just a min. A few min later the lil girl comes back to the phone. I did it daddy. And what happened honey? Well mommy got scared, jumped outta bed naked & ran round screaming then tripped on the rug, hit her head on the dresser & now she isn't moving at all! What about your Uncle Paul? He jumped outta the back window into the pool. But I guess he didn't know you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of it & I think hes dead! Real long pause! Then daddy says, swimming pool? Is this 486-5732? The little girl says No I think you have the wrong number.

[SBS933]

What did the DeadHead say when he ran out of Drugs. This band sucks.

[riverrunner1984]

Jokes For Men Only..lol


The human body has 7 trillion nerves.......my wife manages to get on every
fucking one of them.

--------------

I fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. They're brilliant...It makes the wife look
like she's actually moving during sex.

----------

My wife said that she was leaving me because I always exaggerate. I was so
shocked I almost tripped over my cock.

--------------

I went to the doctor's office the other day and found out that my new doctor is
young, female and drop dead gorgeous. I was embarrassed, but she said,
"Don't worry, I am a professional - I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong
and I'll check it out.
I said, "My wife thinks that my dick tastes funny"

--------------

I was pretty excited when my new girlfriend sent me a text message claiming
that she loves anal.
Dyslexic bitch, it turns out that she loves Alan, my best friend..

--------------

A guy is watching a film with creepy organ music on the TV and suddenly yells,
"No! No! Don't enter that church, you damn fool..!"
His wife asks him, "What are you watching?"
Husband replies, "Our wedding video"

--------------

Life is like a penis....Soft and hanging freely....It's women that make it hard

--------------

I said to the wife, "Get me a newspaper"
"Don't be silly," she said "You can borrow my iPad"
That spider never knew what fucking hit it.

--------------

I bought a new perfume for my wife called Chloroform but she says she
doesn't like it.
She says that it makes her sleepy and her ass sore.

[rschap1]

:)
:)
:)

[riverrunner1984]

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor.

I work at great depths.

I plunge head first into everything I do.

I do not get weekends or public holidays off.

I work in a damp environment.

I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

I work in high temperatures.

My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,
P. Niss

The Response:

Dear P. Niss:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.

You fall asleep after brief work periods.

You do not always follow the orders of the management team.

You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.

You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.

You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.

You will retire well before you are 65.

You are unable to work double shifts.

You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed assigned task.

And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,
V. Gina

[Stainless]

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor.

I work at great depths.

I plunge head first into everything I do.

I do not get weekends or public holidays off.

I work in a damp environment.

I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

I work in high temperatures.

My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,
P. Niss

The Response:

Dear P. Niss:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.

You fall asleep after brief work periods.

You do not always follow the orders of the management team.

You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.

You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.

You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.

You will retire well before you are 65.

You are unable to work double shifts.

You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed assigned task.

And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,
V. Gina

Awesome! :D


Bench race driver of the NHRA 16X Castrol GTX Mustang

[ChumpChange]

A pediatrician asked six-year-old Johnny, who watched a lot TV, asks, just to make conversation. "Johnny, if you found a couple of dollars and had to spend them, what would you buy?" "A box of Tampax," he replied without hesitation. "Tampax?" said the doctor. "What would you do with that?" "Well, said Johnny, "I do not know exactly, but it's sure worth two dollars. With tampax, it says on TV, you can go swimming, go horseback riding, and also go skating, any time you want to."

[ChumpChange]

While getting a checkup, a man tells his doctor that he thinks his wife is losing her hearing. The doctor says, "You should do a simple test. Stand about 15 feet behind your wife and say "honey?" Move 3 feet closer and do it again. Keep moving 3 feet closer until she finally responds." Remember how close you were when she gives you an answer. That will help me know how bad her hearing loss is.

About a month later the same guy is at the doctor again complaining of his wifes hearing problem and the doctor asks, "Well, did you do that experiment with your wife's hearing?" The man says "yes". "How close did you get before she answered?" "Well, by the time I got about 2 feet away she turned around and screamed "For the FIFTH TIME... WHAT???"

[ChumpChange]

The top toothbrush salesman at the company was asked by his boss how he managed to sell so many brushes. He replied "It's easy" and he pulled out his card table, setting his display of brushes on top. He told his boss, I lay the brushes out like this, andthen I put out some potato chips and dip to draw in the customers. He laid out his chips and dip. His boss said, "That's a very innovative approach" and took one of the chips, dipped it, and stuck it in his mouth. "Yuck, this tastes terrible!" his boss yelled. The salesman replied "IT IS! Want to buy a toothbrush?"

[ChumpChange]

John received a free ticket to the Super Bowl. Unfortunately. John's seat was in the last row in the corner of the stadium. He was closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the stadium. He noticed an empty seat 10 rows up from the 50-yard line. He decides to make his way to the empty seat. As he sits down he asks the man next to him if anyone is sitting there. The man told him no, it was empty. John is very excited to have a seat like this at a Super Bowl and asks why in the world no one is using it? The man replied that it was his wife's seat but she passed away. He said this was the first Super Bowl that they have not attended together since they were married in 1968. John said that it was really sad and asked if he couldn't find someone, a relative or a close friend to take the seat? "No" replied the man, "They're at her funeral!"

[Stainless]

John received a free ticket to the Super Bowl. Unfortunately. John's seat was in the last row in the corner of the stadium. He was closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the stadium. He noticed an empty seat 10 rows up from the 50-yard line. He decides to make his way to the empty seat. As he sits down he asks the man next to him if anyone is sitting there. The man told him no, it was empty. John is very excited to have a seat like this at a Super Bowl and asks why in the world no one is using it? The man replied that it was his wife's seat but she passed away. He said this was the first Super Bowl that they have not attended together since they were married in 1968. John said that it was really sad and asked if he couldn't find someone, a relative or a close friend to take the seat? "No" replied the man, "They're at her funeral!"

Lmfao! :D


CH3NO2

[ChumpChange]

Two Musicians' in a major symphonic orchestra were discussing who they thought the LEAST talented musician in the band was. One of them said; "That's easy. See that guy standing in the back? Well, we just put two sticks in his hands and we call him a Drummer." The other responded; "Well, if we take one stick away, we call him a Conductor!"

[ChumpChange]

Charlie took his girl friend to her first football game. They had really good seats, right above their team's dugout. At the end of the game, Charlie asked her if she liked it. "Yeah, it was great," she said. "I mean, with all the tight pants and stuff. I just don't get why all the fuss about a quarter!" Charlie is confused. "At the beginning of the game," she explained, "I saw the two guys flip a quarter. Then the rest of the game, all they said was: Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback! Hello! It's only 25 cents!"

[Tishimself]

31671

Love this...LOL....:D

[riverrunner1984]

Moms in Group Therapy

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, he said, "Mary, you are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom: "Ann, your obsession is with money. Again it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third Mom: "Joyce, your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner."

[SBS933]

A single man finally decides to get married after being single for 35 years, then after 3 years of marriage he is sitting on the couch cleaning his golf clubs. His wife walks up to him and tells him, I think it's time to get rid of those golf clubs. The man looks at her and says, you sure are starting to sound a lot like my 1st wife. she responds, I thought you said you were never married before. He says, I wasn't.

[ChumpChange]

A small 1 SEATER plane crashed into a cemetery. Police have recovered 102 bodies so far and will continue to dig throughout the night

[ChumpChange]

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquillity had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the lady. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my husband's mule stumbled. "My husband quietly said "That's once." We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my husband quietly said, "That's twice." We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My husband promptly removed a revolver from his pocket and shot him. I started to protest over his treatment of the mule when he looked at me and quietly said 'That's once!"

[ChumpChange]

At an Irish wedding, men were asked to stand up to the one person that has made your life worth living... The bartender was almost crushed to death.

[ChumpChange]

A 17 year-old boy was hired to paint a white line down the middle of the highway. On the first day, he got off to a good start and he painted a white line 7 miles long. The next day, however, he painted a line only 4 miles long. On the third day, he was down to less than a mile. Finally, his friend Max asked him why he was doing less each day. The boy replied, "I guess it takes me longer and longer to get back to the bucket each day."

[Tishimself]

SAY A PRAYER

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.

"Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer." said his mother.

"I don't need to," the boy replied.

"Of course, you do "his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house."

"That's at our house." Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook”.

[ChumpChange]

Before a burglary trial, the judge explained to the defendant, "You can let me try your case, or you can choose to have a jury of your peers." The man thought for a moment. "What are peers?" he asked. "They're people just like you - your equals." "Forget it," retorted the defendant. "I don't want to be tried by a bunch of thieves."

[ChumpChange]

Bob: "So, you say that you won the conversion with your wife yesterday." Joe: "Yes, she came crawling on her hands and knees." Bob: "Really? What did she say?" Joe: "Come out from under the bed, you coward!"

[ChumpChange]

Wendi reported for her university final examination which consisted of "yes/no" type questions. She took her seat in the examination hall and stared at the question paper for five minutes. In a fit of inspiration, she took her purse out, removed a coin and started tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for Tails. Within half an hour she was all done, whereas the rest of the class was still sweating it out. During the last few minutes, she was seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approached her and asked what was going on. Her reply was, "I finished the exam in half and hour, but I'm rechecking my answers."

[HB Vic]

OMG lmfao 32690


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[ChumpChange]

Dear Mom, $chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and studying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can`t think of anything I need. $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, Your $on

The Reply:

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh. Love, Mom

[ChumpChange]

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up. Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?" They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is. "Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me." Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, and asks what he wants. Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards." She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!" Rippington says, "I'll tell him."

[riverrunner1984]

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughters bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

"What are you doing?" She exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week, the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on a sofa with her vibrator.

"What are you doing?" He exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time coming from the den. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.

"What are you doing" She asked.

He replied, "Watching the game with my son-in-law."

[Stainless]

Lmao! :D


CH3NO2

[ChumpChange]

"Dad, where did I come from?" asks this 10-years-old. The father was shocked that a 10 year old would be asking a question like that. He was hoping to wait a few more years before he would have to explain the facts of life, but he figured it was better a few years early than a few days too late, so, for the next two hours he explained every thing to his son. When he got finished, he asked his son what prompted his question to which his son replied, "I was talking to the new kid across the street and he said he came from Ohio, so I was just wondering where I came from."

[ChumpChange]

One day a boy told his grandpa, "grandpa make a frog sound" The grandfather asked why? The boy said, "Grandma says when you croak we are going to Hawaii."

[Paul65K]

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughters bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

"What are you doing?" She exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week, the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on a sofa with her vibrator.

"What are you doing?" He exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time coming from the den. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.

"What are you doing" She asked.

He replied, "Watching the game with my son-in-law."That is some funny shit right there :thumb:

[SBS933]

A sperm was in sperm school, and they taught him that when the bell rings he needs to swim as fast as he can till the finish, and at that point he needs to introduce himself and an egg will introduce herself. Well the bell rang one day and the little sperm took off and starting hauling ass. He looked back and saw a million sperm behind him so he swam faster. He finally hit the finish and said, Hi I'm A Sperm, and a voice replied Hi i'm a tonsil.

[Eli]

A sperm was in sperm school, and they taught him that when the bell rings he needs to swim as fast as he can till the finish, and at that point he needs to introduce himself and an egg will introduce herself. Well the bell rang one day and the little sperm took off and starting hauling ass. He looked back and saw a million sperm behind him so he swam faster. He finally hit the finish and said, Hi I'm A Sperm, and a voice replied Hi i'm a tonsil.

👍


Sent from my Bat Cave

[ChumpChange]

What's the difference between a dog and a fox?

Answer: About 5 drinks

[ChumpChange]

The engineer found himself at the pearly gates. St. Peter looked him up in the book, and found that he was destined for the other place. The engineer protested that this must be a mistake, and that he had lived a righteous life, going to church every week, being faithful to his wife etc. to no avail. About 6 weeks later God reviews the lists and realizes that the engineer has been sent to the wrong place. So he rings up Lucifer and demands that the engineer be sent up. Lucifer says "NO WAY. This guy was the best thing to ever happen here. He's got the AC working, we have running water and cable now too, and next week he thinks we will get internet access and an ice cream machine." God is pissed and yelling says "I'll sue". Lucifer says "ya okay, but where are you going to get a lawyer?"

[ChumpChange]

A couple in their 80's were having problems remembering things, so they decided to the go the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they are physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, "Where are you going?" "To the kitchen for a drink," he replies. She asks, "Will you get me piece of cake?" The husband says, "Sure." She gently reminds him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you don't forget it?" He says, "No, I can certainly remember that!" Then the woman says, "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top. You'd better write it down because I know you'll forget it." The man replies, "I can remember that! You want some cake with strawberries." She adds, "I'd also like whipped cream on top. Now I'm certain you're gonna forget that, so you'd better write it down ok." Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down woman! I can remember that! Cake with strawberries! And whipped cream!" He then grumbles into the kitchen. After about 30 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "Where's my toast?

[ChumpChange]

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was the pharmacist!"

[ChumpChange]

While attending a Marriage seminar dealing with communication, Jack and his wife, Barb, listened to the instructor. "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He addressed the man, "can you describe your wife's favorite flower?" Jack leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "Its Pillsbury isn't it?"

[ChumpChange]

Four guys have been going to the same Golfing trip to St Andrews for many years.. Two days before the group is to leave, Jack's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Jack's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do. Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find Jack sitting at the bar with four drinks set up! "Wow, Jack, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?" "Well, I've been here since last night.. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?" I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie. She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. Well she's been reading 50 Shades of Grey......On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did. And then she said, "Do whatever you want."
So, Here I am!

[Eli]

The engineer found himself at the pearly gates. St. Peter looked him up in the book, and found that he was destined for the other place. The engineer protested that this must be a mistake, and that he had lived a righteous life, going to church every week, being faithful to his wife etc. to no avail. About 6 weeks later God reviews the lists and realizes that the engineer has been sent to the wrong place. So he rings up Lucifer and demands that the engineer be sent up. Lucifer says "NO WAY. This guy was the best thing to ever happen here. He's got the AC working, we have running water and cable now too, and next week he thinks we will get internet access and an ice cream machine." God is pissed and yelling says "I'll sue". Lucifer says "ya okay, but where are you going to get a lawyer?"

Ouch!!



Okay I laughed.


Sent from my Bat Cave

[ChumpChange]

A beer drinking husband comes home from work, runs into the living room, and flops down in front of the TV. He quickly turns it on and starts flipping through the channels. His wife walks into the living room and the guys says to her, "Wife, hurry up and get me a beer before it starts!" The wife goes to the fridge, cracks a beer and gives it to her husband. The husband slams down the beer, gives her the empty, and tells her, "Hurry up and get me another one! It's gonna start soon!" The wife goes to the fridge, gets another beer, cracks it open, and takes it to her husband. The guy slams the beer again, gives her the empty, and says, "Hurry up and get me 1 more beer, it's gonna start ANY minute!" The wife, getting upset, goes to the fridge, gets him a beer, cracks it open, gives it to her husband and says, "You know, all you ever do around here is come home from work, sit in front of the TV, bark orders at me, dri nk beer...” The guy, hearing his wife complaining, sips his beer, sighs, and says, "YEP, IT'S STARTED!"

[Eli]

A beer drinking husband comes home from work, runs into the living room, and flops down in front of the TV. He quickly turns it on and starts flipping through the channels. His wife walks into the living room and the guys says to her, "Wife, hurry up and get me a beer before it starts!" The wife goes to the fridge, cracks a beer and gives it to her husband. The husband slams down the beer, gives her the empty, and tells her, "Hurry up and get me another one! It's gonna start soon!" The wife goes to the fridge, gets another beer, cracks it open, and takes it to her husband. The guy slams the beer again, gives her the empty, and says, "Hurry up and get me 1 more beer, it's gonna start ANY minute!" The wife, getting upset, goes to the fridge, gets him a beer, cracks it open, gives it to her husband and says, "You know, all you ever do around here is come home from work, sit in front of the TV, bark orders at me, dri nk beer...” The guy, hearing his wife complaining, sips his beer, sighs, and says, "YEP, IT'S STARTED!"

Hmmm sounds like she should be the one doing the drinking ;)


Sent from my Bat Cave

[ChumpChange]

Hmmm sounds like she should be the one doing the drinking ;)

Sent from my Bat Cave

Only after her man is good and comfortable.

[riverrunner1984]

When a girl gets a vibrator, it's seen as a bit of naughty fun.

BUT...when a guy orders a 240-volt Binford FuckMaster Pro 5000 blowup latex doll with 6-speed pulsating vagina, elasticized anus with non-drip semen collection tray, together with optional built -in realistic orgasm scream surround sound system, he's called a pervert!!

[28eliminator]

When a girl gets a vibrator, it's seen as a bit of naughty fun.

BUT...when a guy orders a 240-volt Binford FuckMaster Pro 5000 blowup latex doll with 6-speed pulsating vagina, elasticized anus with non-drip semen collection tray, together with optional built -in realistic orgasm scream surround sound system, he's called a pervert!!

LMFAO... :thumb:

[Menace Marine]

When a girl gets a vibrator, it's seen as a bit of naughty fun.

BUT...when a guy orders a 240-volt Binford FuckMaster Pro 5000 blowup latex doll with 6-speed pulsating vagina, elasticized anus with non-drip semen collection tray, together with optional built -in realistic orgasm scream surround sound system, he's called a pervert!!

Double standards.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Eli]

When a girl gets a vibrator, it's seen as a bit of naughty fun.

BUT...when a guy orders a 240-volt Binford FuckMaster Pro 5000 blowup latex doll with 6-speed pulsating vagina, elasticized anus with non-drip semen collection tray, together with optional built -in realistic orgasm scream surround sound system, he's called a pervert!!

Pervert! :D


Sent from my Bat Cave

[riverrunner1984]

Pervert! :D


Sent from my Bat Cave

Yes I am and proud

:D

[Eli]

35499


Sent from my Bat Cave

[ChumpChange]

A drunken cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo Theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy, “Sorry sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.” The cowboy groaned but didn’t budge. The usher became more impatient. “Sir, if you don’t get up from there I’m going to have to call the manager.” Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally they summoned the police. The Texas Ranger surveyed the situation briefly then asked, “all right buddy what’s your name?” “Fred,” the cowboy moaned. “Where ya from, Fred?” asked the Ranger.. With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred replied, “the balcony…”

[ChumpChange]

An old couple were sitting up in bed. Suddenly he starts to touch her arm, then moved down to her waist, to her hips and down her leg. Then he moved over and did the same on the other side and then stopped. Aroused by this his wife asked "Honey,why did you stop?" and he replied "Because I finally found the remote."

[riverrunner1984]

The Hookers' Union


A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels.

When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered.

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules."

The man asked, "And, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the union man said.

He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive green-eyed blonde.

"I'd like her," he said.

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next!"

[ChumpChange]

Moms in Group Therapy

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, he said, "Mary, you are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom: "Ann, your obsession is with money. Again it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third Mom: "Joyce, your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner."

And here we have our first reposted joke of the thread!

[riverrunner1984]

And here we have our first reposted joke of the thread!

My bad, I get too many of them to keep track.
I'll delete.

[28eliminator]

ObamaGolf :D


Receptionist) Hello, Welcome to ObamaGolf . My name is Trina. How can I help you?

(Customer) Hello, I received an email from Golfsmith stating that my Pro V1 order has been canceled and I should go to your exchange to reorder it. I tried your web site, but it seems like it is not working. So I am calling the 800 number.

(Receptionist) Yes, I am sorry about the web site. It should be fixed by the end of 2014. But I can help you.

(Customer) Thanks, I ordered some Pro V1 balls.

(Receptionist) Sir, Pro V1's do not meet our minimum standards, I will be happy to provide you with a choice of Pinnacle, TopFlite , or Callaway Blue.

(Customer) But I have played Pro V1 for years.

(Receptionist) The government has determined that Pro V1s are no longer acceptable, so we have instructed Titleist to stop making them. TopFlites are better, sir, I am sure you will love them.

(Customer) But I like the Pro V1. Why are TopFlites better?

(Receptionist) That is all spelled out in the 2700 page "Affordable Golf Ball Act" passed by Congress.

(Customer) Well, how much are these TopFlites ?

(Receptionist) It depends sir, do you want our Bronze, Silver, Gold or Platinum package?

(Customer) What's the difference?

(Receptionist) 12, 24, 36 or 48 balls.

(Customer) The Silver package may be okay; how much is it?

(Receptionist) It depends, sir; what is your monthly income?

(Customer) What does that have to do with anything?

(Receptionist) I need that to determine your government Golf Ball subsidy; then I can determine how much your out-of-pocket cost will be. But if your income is below the poverty level, you might qualify for a subsidy. In that case, I can refer you to our BallAid department.

(Customer) BallAid ?

(Receptionist) Yes, golf balls are a right, everyone has a right to golf balls. So, if you can't afford them, then the government will supply them free of charge.

(Customer) Who said they were a right?

(Receptionist) Congress passed it, the President signed it and the Supreme Court found it Constitutional.

(Customer) Whoa.....I don't remember seeing anything in the Constitution regarding golf balls as a right.

(Receptionist) There's no explicit mention of golf balls in the Constitution, but President Obama is a former constitutional scholar and he believes it would have been included if the Constitutional had not been drafted by a bunch of slave-owning white men. The Democrats in the Congress and the Supreme Court agree with the President that golf balls are now a right guaranteed by the Constitution.

(Customer) I don't believe this...

(Receptionist) It's the law of the land sir. Now, we anticipated most people would go for the Silver Package, so what is you monthly income sir?

(Customer) Forget it, I think I will forgo the balls this year.

(Receptionist) In that case, sir, I will still need your monthly income.

(Customer) Why?

(Receptionist) To determine what your 'non-participation' cost would be.

(Customer) WHAT? You can't charge me for NOT buying golf balls.

(Receptionist) It's the law of the land, sir, approved by the Supreme Court. It's $49.50 or 1% of your monthly income.....

(Customer)(interrupting) This is ridiculous, I'll pay the $49.50.

(Receptionist) Sir, it is the $49.50 or 1% of your monthly income, whichever is greater.

(Customer) ARE YOU KIDDING ME? What a ripoff!!

(Receptionist) Actually sir, it is a good deal. Next year it will be 2%.

(Customer) Look, I'm going to call my Congressman to find out what's going on here. This is ridiculous. I'm not going to pay it.

(Receptionist) Sorry to hear that sir, that's why I had the NSA track this call and obtain the make and model of the cell phone you are using.

(Customer) Why does the NSA need to know what kind of CELL PHONE I AM USING?

(Receptionist) So they get your GPS coordinates, sir

(Door Bell rings followed immediately by a loud knock on the door)

(Receptionist) That would be the IRS, sir. Thanks for calling ObamaGolf , have a nice day...and God Bless the Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave.

[Stainless]

That is hilarious 28E! :D


CH3NO2

[ChumpChange]

My bad, I get too many of them to keep track.
I'll delete.

lol. It was a joke. Get it! Joke of the Day thread.........

[The Doctor]

A man received the following text from his neighbor:

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.

I have been tapping into your wife, day and night when you're not around.

In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse.

I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

Bloody Auto Correct -meant to write Wifi not Wife.

[Stainless]

:D


ch3no2

[kaizoku]

Lmao!!!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[rschap1]

Doh ! ! ! !

[riverrunner1984]

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly Cowboy who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that
God's ultimate enemy was in his presence..

So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'

The old cowboy replied, 'Yep, sure do.'

'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.

'Nope, sure ain't.' said the cowboy.

'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.

'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.

'Did you know that I can cause you profound, Horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.

'Yep,' was the calm reply.

'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.

'Nope,' said the old cowboy.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'

The old cowboy calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years.'

[Stainless]

I seemingly well endowed Texan met a date on match.com and they agreed to go on a date. During dinner all the Texan could talk about was how much bigger everything in Texas is, our ranches are at least 1000 sections, Texas has more oil, Texas has more cattle, Texas blah, blah, blah. After dinner they decided to go to his place. A few drinks later and some cuddling, clothing started coming off. The eager Texan glanced over to the already naked date laying on the bed with her legs spread open slightly, when he caught a glimpse of her vagina. Flabbergasted...he blurted, "Ma'm, what part of Texas are you from?"


CH3NO2

[thatguy]

http://i152.photobucket.com/albums/s170/thomasljr/Boats/outboardraceboat.jpg

[ChumpChange]

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas." The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job.

"You start tomorrow. Ill come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.

"How many sales did you make today?"

Kid says, "One."

Boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.
How much was the sale for?"

Kid says "$201,237.64.

Boss says "201,237.64?? What the heck did you sell?"

Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat; we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didnt think his Mercedes would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him an Escalade."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"

Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, your weekends shot, you might as well go fishing."

[riverrunner1984]

What did the guy vampire say to the girl vampire?


See you next period!

I lol when I read this.

[Eli]

What did the guy vampire say to the girl vampire?


See you next period!

I lol when I read this.

I was going to go with "bite me"


Sent from my Bat Cave

[riverrunner1984]

Why am I Divorced?
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, he barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.'

I thought...... well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... they will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfasts and didn't say a word..

So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my handsome Boss Rick, said, 'Good Morning, lady, and by the way Happy Birthday! '

It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock , when Rick knocked on my door and said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me....'
I said, 'Thanks, Rick, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!'

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. He chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Rick said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day... we don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?'

I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?' He said, 'Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at his house, Rick turned to me and said, If you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a
moment. I'll be right back.' 'Ok.' I nervously replied.

He went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, he came out carrying a huge birthday cake .... followed by my husband my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.

And I just sat there....

On the couch.......



Naked.

[Eli]

Why am I Divorced?
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, he barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.'

I thought...... well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... they will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfasts and didn't say a word..

So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my handsome Boss Rick, said, 'Good Morning, lady, and by the way Happy Birthday! '

It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock , when Rick knocked on my door and said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me....'
I said, 'Thanks, Rick, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!'

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. He chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Rick said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day... we don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?'

I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?' He said, 'Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at his house, Rick turned to me and said, If you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a
moment. I'll be right back.' 'Ok.' I nervously replied.

He went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, he came out carrying a huge birthday cake .... followed by my husband my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.

And I just sat there....

On the couch.......



Naked.

Haha!!! That's a good one. Lesson learned. Keep your clothes on until he's naked first.


Sent from my Bat Cave

[djunkie]

Why am I Divorced?
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, he barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.'

I thought...... well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... they will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfasts and didn't say a word..

So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my handsome Boss Rick, said, 'Good Morning, lady, and by the way Happy Birthday! '

It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock , when Rick knocked on my door and said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me....'
I said, 'Thanks, Rick, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!'

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. He chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Rick said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day... we don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?'

I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?' He said, 'Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at his house, Rick turned to me and said, If you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a
moment. I'll be right back.' 'Ok.' I nervously replied.

He went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, he came out carrying a huge birthday cake .... followed by my husband my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.

And I just sat there....

On the couch.......



Naked.

Lol. Oops.

[ChumpChange]

Reminds me of this good one!

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me—it was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her “little” sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn’t say a word.

She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.”

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.”

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

[Eli]

Reminds me of this good one!

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me—it was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her “little” sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn’t say a word.

She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.”

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.”

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

I like that this one has it's own moral of the story.


Sent from my Bat Cave

[riverrunner1984]

Reminds me of this good one!

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me—it was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her “little” sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn’t say a word.

She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.”

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.”

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

Good one! :thumbup:

[riverrunner1984]

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

[Eli]

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

I laughed so hard they heard me down the hall!!


Sent from my Bat Cave

[ChumpChange]

A young Italian man excitedly told his mother that he had fallen in love and that he's going to get married. He said, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over three women tomorrow and you try to guess which one I'm going to marry." His mother agreed and the next day he brought three beautiful women to the house. He sat them down on the couch and they all chatted for a while. After a while the young man said, "Okay, Ma, guess which one of these girls is the one I'm going to marry," to which she immediately replied, "The one on the right." "That's amazing, Ma, you're right", exclaimed her son, "How did you know?" The Italian woman lifted one eyebrow and replied, "Easy...I don't like her".

[ChumpChange]

There once was a powerful Japanese emperor who needed a new chief samurai. So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world that he was searching for a chief. A year passed, and only three people applied for the very demanding position: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai. The emperor asked the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Japanese samurai opened a matchbox, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword. The bumblebee dropped dead, chopped in half. The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive! “The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese samurai, to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen. The Chinese samurai also opened a matchbox and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh! The fly dropped dead, chopped into four small pieces. The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!" Now the emperor turned to the Jewish samurai, and asked him to demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Jewish Samurai opened a matchbox, and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whoosh! But the gnat was still alive and flying around. The emperor, obviously disappointed, said, "Very ambitious, but why is that gnat not dead?" The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said, "Circumcision is not meant to kill."

[Eli]

There once was a powerful Japanese emperor who needed a new chief samurai. So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world that he was searching for a chief. A year passed, and only three people applied for the very demanding position: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai. The emperor asked the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Japanese samurai opened a matchbox, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword. The bumblebee dropped dead, chopped in half. The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive! “The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese samurai, to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen. The Chinese samurai also opened a matchbox and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh! The fly dropped dead, chopped into four small pieces. The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!" Now the emperor turned to the Jewish samurai, and asked him to demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Jewish Samurai opened a matchbox, and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whoosh! But the gnat was still alive and flying around. The emperor, obviously disappointed, said, "Very ambitious, but why is that gnat not dead?" The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said, "Circumcision is not meant to kill."

ROTFLMAO


Sent from my Bat Cave

[ChumpChange]

A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks, "W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?" The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing. The man repeats himself: "W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?" Again, the clerk doesn`t answer him. The guy asks several more times: "W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?" And the clerk just seems to ignore him. Finally, the guy is angry and storms off. The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, "why wouldn`t you answer that guy's question?" The clerk answers, "D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!"

[ChumpChange]

St. Peter is questioning three married couples to see if they qualify for admittance to heaven. "Why do you deserve to pass the Pearly Gates?" he asks one of the men, who had been a butler. "I was a good father," he answers. "Yes, but you were a drunk all your life. In fact, you were so bad you even married a woman named Sherry. No admittance." St. Peter then turned to the next man, a carpenter, and asked him the same question. The carpenter replied that he had worked hard and taken good care of his family. But St. Peter also rejected him, pointing out that he had been an impossible glutton, so much so that he married a woman named BonBon. At this point the third man, who had been a lawyer, stood up and said, "Come on, Penny, let's get out of here."

[ChumpChange]

Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home. The first says, "Fellas, I got real problems. I'm seventy years old. Every morning at seven o'clock I get up and I try to urinate. All day long I try to urinate. They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps." The second old man says, "You think you have problems. I'm eighty years old. Every morning at 8:00 I get up and try to move my bowels. I try all day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps." Finally the third old man speaks up, "Fellas: I'm ninety years old. Every morning at 7:00 sharp I urinate. Every morning at 8:00 I move my bowels. Every morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up."

[ChumpChange]

He goes straight to the bar and asks the barmaid for a beer which she begins to pour, while he's waiting he notices their small food menu to the side: Cheese Sandwich $5 Ham Sandwich $5 Handjob $5 In disbelief he looks up at the barmaid who is absolutely gorgeous and asks "Are you the one who gives the handjobs?", "Yep" she replies with a smile. He checks his wallet for the $5 and says, "Well wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich."

[ChumpChange]

A jet plane suddenly bursts into flames whilst it is thousands of feet in the air. Everybody is panicking; death is imminent. One woman stands up and declares "I want to feel like a woman one last time if anyone here is man enough to do it!" A man near her promptly stands up, takes off his shirt, and says "Here; iron this!"

[ChumpChange]

By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere." he pleaded. "Or just a bed--I don't care where." "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you." "No problem," the tired traveler assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning John came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" "Nope. I shut him up in no time?" "How'd you manage that?" "He was already in bed, snoring away. when I came in the room," John said. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

[riverrunner1984]

The FBI had an opening for an assassin.
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists: two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you find your wife sitting in a chair...kill her!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.
The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks" she said.
"I had to kill him with the chair!"

[ChumpChange]

A woman went to doctors the office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped and asked her what the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?" The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard. "Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?"

[riverrunner1984]

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.
Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.
“Olympic condoms?”, she blurts, “What makes them so special?”
“There are three colors”, he replies, “Gold, Silver and Bronze.”
“What color are you going to wear tonight?”, she asks cheekily.
“Gold of course”, says the man proudly.
The wife responds wryly, “Why don’t you wear Silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change.”

[ChumpChange]

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff." "We're short-handed, Smith" the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off." "Thanks, boss," says Smith "I knew I could count on you!"

[ChumpChange]

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked. "Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered. "On a trip to the Big Horn Mountains out in Wyoming, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground." I yelled, "Now, back off or I'll kick the shit out of all of you" Saint Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?" "Couple of minutes ago."

[ChumpChange]

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?" She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time." "And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?" "We use it for sex." The researcher was a little taken back, "Usually people lie to me but, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?" The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all...my husband and I put it on the door knob and the kids can't open the door."

[riverrunner1984]

A man goes to his doctor and complains that his wife hasn’t wanted to have sex with him for the past six months.
The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her and hopefully determine what the problem is.
The following day, the wife goes to the doctor’s office. The doctor asks her what’s wrong, why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband?
“Oh, that’s easily explained. For the past six months,” the wife says, “I’ve been taking a cab to work every morning. I don’t have any money. The cab driver asks me, ‘Are you going to pay today, or what?’ So, I take an ‘or what’.”
“Then, when I get to work,” she continues, “I’m late, so the boss asks me, ‘Are we going to write this down in the book, or what?’ So, I take an ‘or what’.
I take a cab to go home after work and, as usual, I have no money. The cab driver asks me again, ‘So, are you going to pay this time, or what?’ Again, I take an ‘or what’.
So you see, doc, by the time I get home I’m all tired out and don’t want it anymore.”
“Yes, I see,” replies the doctor. “So, are we going to tell your husband, or what?”

[ChumpChange]

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied, "That's not good," and promised he wouldn't say it again. When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady." She paused and said, "Yes?" The bird said, "You know."

[ChumpChange]

Three guys die in a car accident and are now waiting at the Pearly Gates to get into heaven. St. Peter walks up to them and says "Welcome to heaven. You have all made it to heaven however your eternal companion will be determined by your sins." The first guy walks up and sees this really homely looking girl walk towards him so he turns and asks St. Peter "what did I do wrong?" "Well I see here that you cheated on your taxes," St. Peter replies. The first guy sighs and walks to his eternal companion. The second guy also cheated on his taxes so his eternal companion was also quite ugly. The third guy is quite fat with a hideous face, and he looks forlorn as he knows he has a lot of sins. To his surprise, this gorgeous woman walks out to be his eternal companion. The first two guys instantly complain. "This guy cheated on his wife! Why does he get a beautiful companion?" St. Peter shrugs. "She cheated on her taxes."

[riverrunner1984]

Claire was becoming frustrated with her husband’s insistence that they always have sex in the dark.
Hoping to rid him of his inhibitions, during a passionate evening she flipped on her reading lamp and was shocked to find a cucumber in his hand.
“Is this what you have been using on me for the past 8 years?” she exclaimed.
“Honey, let me explain….” he pleaded.
“You sneaky swine!” she screamed.
“Speaking of sneaky!” he interjected,
“Perhaps you’d care to explain our two children!!”

[riverrunner1984]

An elderly man in Oklahoma calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!" "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old dad explained. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!". Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her elderly father immediately, and screams at him, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, you hear me?" she yelled as she hung up the phone. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "it's all set. They're both coming for Christmas and paying their own air-fare."

[riverrunner1984]

A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a totally deserted beach at Ft. Myers. She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book. Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.
"How are you today?"
"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book.
"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely," she countered. "Do you live around here?" She asked.
"Yes, I live over in Cape Coral ", he answered, and again he resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like pussy cats?"
With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life.
When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

[riverrunner1984]

Three ladies are playing the 4th hole at their home course when a naked man wearing a bag over his head jumps from the trees and runs across the green. The three ladies look and are in shock at the size of his manhood.

The first lady says, “Well he definitely is not my husband!”

The second lady looks at his manhood and says, “He for sure is not my husband!”

The third lady takes a good look and says, "He's not even a member of this club!”

[riverrunner1984]

Catholic Hairdryer
In parochial school, students are taught that lying is a sin. However, instructors also advised that using a bit of imagination is OK to express the truth differently without lying. Below is a perfect example of those teachings:
Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs.
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?'
'Of course child. What may I do for you?'
'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?'
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next please!'

[Stainless]

Lmao! :D


CH3N02

[doubleeagle]

:shhh::shhh: New old stock still in orginal package

[riverrunner1984]

> > A modern day cowboy had spent many days crossing the Dakota prairies without
water.
> > His horse had already died of thirst.
> > He's crawling along the dusty ground, certain that he has breathed his last
breath, when all
> > of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the ground several yards ahead
of him. He
> > crawls to the object, pulls it out of the ground and discovers what looks to
be an old briefcase.
> > He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. She is
wearing an IRS ID badge
> > and a dull grey dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a
pencil tucked behind one ear.
> > 'Well, cowboy,' says the genie, 'You know how this works... You have three
wishes.'
> > 'I'm not falling for this,' says the cowboy, 'I'm not going to trust an IRS
genie.'
> > 'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like
you're a goner anyway!'
> > The cowboy thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie is
right.
> > 'OK! I wish I were along-side a lush spring with plenty of food and drink.'
> > ***POOF*** The cowboy finds himself beside the most beautiful spring he has
ever seen, and
> > he's surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
> > 'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish.'
> > 'My second wish is that I was rich ....beyond my wildest dreams.'
> > ***POOF***The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled
with rare gold coins
> > and precious gems.
> > 'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!'
> > After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says, 'I wish that no matter
where I go, beautiful
> > women will want and need me.'
> > ***POOF*** He's turned into a tampon.
> > The moral of the story:
> > If the U.S. government offers to help you, there's going to be a string
attached.

[riverrunner1984]

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"

"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Four months vacation and five good leads..."

[Eli]

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"

"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Four months vacation and five good leads..."

Bahahahaha that was hilarious!


Sent from my Bat Cave

[riverrunner1984]

ISN'T IT NICE WHEN KIDS HAVE GOALS?


A TEACHER ASKS THE KIDS IN HER 3rd GRADE CLASS, “WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?”

LITTLE KEVIN SAYS: "I WANNA START OUT AS A MARINE PILOT, THEN BE A BILLIONAIRE, GO TO THE MOST EXPENSIVE CLUBS, FIND ME THE FINEST WHORE, GIVE HER A FERRARI WORTH OVER A MILLION BUCKS, AN APARTMENT IN COPACABANA, A MANSION IN PARIS, A JET TO TRAVEL THROUGHOUT EUROPE, AN INFINITE VISA CARD, AND ALL THE WHILE BANGING HER LIKE A LOOSE SCREEN DOOR IN A HURRICANE."

THE TEACHER, SHOCKED, AND NOT KNOWING WHAT TO DO WITH THIS HORRIBLE RESPONSE FROM LITTLE KEVIN, DECIDES NOT TO ACKNOWLEDGE WHAT HE SAID AND SIMPLY TRIES TO CONTINUE WITH THE LESSON . . .

"AND HOW ABOUT YOU, SARAH?”

"I WANNA BE KEVIN’S WHORE.”

[HB Vic]

hahaha....

[nowski]

ISN'T IT NICE WHEN KIDS HAVE GOALS?


A TEACHER ASKS THE KIDS IN HER 3rd GRADE CLASS, “WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?”

LITTLE KEVIN SAYS: "I WANNA START OUT AS A MARINE PILOT, THEN BE A BILLIONAIRE, GO TO THE MOST EXPENSIVE CLUBS, FIND ME THE FINEST WHORE, GIVE HER A FERRARI WORTH OVER A MILLION BUCKS, AN APARTMENT IN COPACABANA, A MANSION IN PARIS, A JET TO TRAVEL THROUGHOUT EUROPE, AN INFINITE VISA CARD, AND ALL THE WHILE BANGING HER LIKE A LOOSE SCREEN DOOR IN A HURRICANE."

THE TEACHER, SHOCKED, AND NOT KNOWING WHAT TO DO WITH THIS HORRIBLE RESPONSE FROM LITTLE KEVIN, DECIDES NOT TO ACKNOWLEDGE WHAT HE SAID AND SIMPLY TRIES TO CONTINUE WITH THE LESSON . . .

"AND HOW ABOUT YOU, SARAH?”

"I WANNA BE KEVIN’S WHORE.” I think Sarah's real name is V. Stiffiano...

[Stainless]

I think Sarah's real name is V. Stiffiano...

That's exactly who I thought of, lol.


Sent from my iPad using TapaTalk